Asking for Help / Advice Please

[25yearsmlc]

Ok, a bit of an interesting development today. The ex wife texted me and said "hi! how are you you? hope all is going well"

I about fell out of my chair lol. Anyway, I responded and said hello there, I'm doing very well thanks for asking. How are you?

No response as of yet, but I was very excited by this, so I had to share. Gonna DB if she keeps talking.

You bet you'll DB!!

This is an opportunity to show your GAL and that you are changing...

YOU must be the one to end the conversation b/c you have places to go or someone to meet, so don't forget that and don't prolong the conversation=neediness and clinging and she'll want to flee that.

If she asks you what you are up to, be UPBEAT and give at least 2 specifics oF GAL...

you'll NEED to say THE GAL stuff, even if you are not literally signed up yet, say you are "about to join/go or enroll in..." to a class or seminar or crew work for a show--or joined a club, travelled or are going to travel to a cool new place, etc...=

SHOW CHANGE IN YOUR ACTIVITIES=INTERESTING PERSON WHO IS EVOLVING,

and or start emanating that you are...just so "Busy going to NEW exciting places, meeting NEW fun people and doing cool NEW activities!"--

(hey, that can by your mantra AND your voice message when people call.... ) but it all means CHANGE IN YOU...

and IF you go to some AA meetings ( drive to find one in the town next to you if need be) I would share that too.

I think you underestimate the value of, AND difference in, her knowing AND being able to say to her parents,

"Oh, h is going to AA now, and has been sober for 2 months"

versus, "h stopped drinking 2 months ago"....but either way, that information is vital. For me, that's what I'd FIRST want to hear, but I don't know your wife.

Does she SAY you are an alcoholic? If so, it's crucial that gets mentioned, along with the other FUN stuff...


remember, YOU be the one to end the conversation.

Be happy she called, glad she's doing well

(IF she is doing well, BUT if she is not doing well, THEN LISTEN, and "gather intel" like a reconnaisance mission. Don't just try to "FIX IT"

b/c that makes it look like you want the topic to change now, b/c after all, you took care of it w/your brilliant suggestion about fixing it!

A lot of men do this and it shuts down the person in pain, like "why are you still sad? I just told you what to do..."

And then the topic reverts back to them/you...see my point? Just listen, if she's down---Otherwise, assume she'll be upbeat and is just checking in.
)
So you have to use your brief time to listen to her AND yet be Upbeat PMA and GAL, (do a 180 here, whatever that is, however you two usually communicate, do it differently)

and then you be the one who is "so glad she called BUT has to go"

and if she somehow beats you to the punch, you agree that you better let her go as you have to "meet someone but it was nice talking to you..."

and make NO plans or request for a promise of future contact. Just be like a normal happy busy friend, and she'll call again...