What do I do next? Part 2

[Accuray]

Yeah, sharing that with your S was inappropriate, particularly after she accused you of talking poorly about her to your youngest.

You might want to tell her that for the sake of the kids, you will not discuss how you feel about each other or your separation in their presence. Tell her you think it's important that they think well of their mother and you will do what you can to support that. (The implication is that she should do the same, but you can't demand that)

Remember that she's trying to convince herself that what she's doing is right, so she'll make statements like that more for herself than for anyone else. Know that she is struggling with this and feels badly about it. She won't show that to you or the kids, but she is.

Despite your dislike for statistics, I did read that marriages arising from affairs have about an 80% failure rate -- they are grounded in fantasy and that's not a solid foundation.

Another statistic is that the "in love" feeling that your W is enjoying will end with 100% certainty for both her and OM. This takes weeks to months depending on the situation. I believe it will wear off *faster* the more they get to spend time together, because they have each other on a pedestal and ignore each others' flaws. If you only see the other person an hour a day socially, it's easy to keep that idealistic love going. If you're with the other person 4 hours a day and on weekends, those flaws are going to get less and less easy to ignore.

I read that coming out of a marriage, your W will either choose another guy like you, because she was initially attracted to your personality traits, or she will choose the exact opposite. If she chooses "like you", the same issues she had with you will surface again, because they are really her issues. If she chooses opposite, all the things she *needed* from your personality type will be missing, and that will blow up even harder.

Therefore, *usually* it's a waiting game with OM, but not always, there are no guarantees (per Telemark). Know, though, that whatever bothered you about your wife will bother OM, and in many ways they are on a ticking clock that will eventually blow.

When OM DOES go away though, that does not mean she comes looking to you to take her back. Instead she will go through grieving, will feel badly, and will be looking to feel better. The guilt associated with what she's done to you, as well as her negative memories of your relationship will not make you an attractive place to feel better.

That's why you need to "pave the road back" by not making her feel guilty, not arguing with her, not being depressed around her etc. You want her to feel (when the time comes) that the reset button has been pushed and she can come back to you without first having to fill in the giant hole that she dug. Part of this is being "good with yourself" and appearing to not care if she comes back or not. If she does, great, and if not, you're OK with that too.

This board is usually light on levity because everyone's generally in a pretty bad place, but I always enjoyed this dialog from "Fast Times at Ridgemont High":

Mike Damone: That's the idea, Rat. That's the attitude.

Mark Ratner: The attitude?

Mike Damone: Yeah! The attitude dictates that you don't care whether she comes, stays, lays, or prays. I mean whatever happens, your toes are still tappin'. Now when you got that, then you have the attitude.

See if you can find "the attitude" for yourself, to me it's the combination of 180 and GAL. Whatever happens, your toes are still tappin'

Don't mean to make light, but we can all use a smile right?

Accuray