Don't know if I need to divulge entire history for help from everyone here but we have been married for 9 years, together for 15. We both got stuck in our roles and eventually were living parrallel lives. I finally "woke up" and realized the major emotional disconnection about a year and a half ago and did my best to repair and reconnect but to no avail.
She is angry at my taking her for granted for so long and not being there for her. I have felt absolutely terrible about this and just recently forgave myself. I shouldered the responsibility for the decline in our marriage and truly believed it was all my fault. I just recently realized that she had her share in this as well. I had been very co-dependent of her and would base my feelings/success/etc on how she was feeling. This dynamic has changed dramatically as I realize that I create my emotions and my happiness and it has been empowering.
These past few weeks I have finally shifted out of my victim point of view (after 4 months of sulking & self-pity) and am extremely proud of myself for getting to a point where I am happy with myself and I am enjoying my life and my kids more than ever. I am greatful that my W & I have re-established a friendship but I am hopeful for more.
I have read DR and recently began to detach. I don't initiate calls or texts or conversations and have been my authentic upbeat self when around W. My question and reluctance is that since we have always had communication issues I feel like if I pull back so far and don't initiate any communication that she may feel, here we go again, he has withdrawn and shut me out and we are back to a unproductive communication dynamic that we have always had. ( I know I am speculating or projecting here but its a concern of mine) I want to keep our friendship building but feel I need to ask about her day or what she's up to, etc... What's the best way to balance this???
I know she has noticed changes over the past year and even more recently and she has stated that she thinks its just a phase and that she can't trust it. I know this is a good sign and that consistent changes + time will help this.
As much as this [censored] and being the most painful experience I have ever been faced with I am greatful for the opportunity to become the man I am becoming. For those really struggling I feel for you greatly. I thought I was gonna die and frankly thought that might be easier. Time will help and try to look at this as an opportunity for you to become the best man/woman/husband/wife/father/mother you can be.
