I wanted to start a new thread to update in since things have changed so much.
Update:
It appears we are officially moving forward and piecing our marriage together. H and I had an interesting talk about MLC that I wanted to share with the forum. We were talking the other night and he said the following:
"I felt so depressed, I felt as if all of our problems were so far gone that I couldn't fix them, and so I felt the only way out of my sadness was to start over with a clean slate"
"Sometimes I felt so crazy, as if every single feeling was coming out of me at once like a volcano, and nothing could stop it."
"Whenever I saw you doing more things around the house, or making changes, or being gone more, I kept thinking, ' No no no, that's not the problem. I just want to be free. What you are doing will not fix this'. I was angry because I didn't want you to do anything to try and change, and I didn't want my mind to be changed, but the entire time you WERE doing these things, my mind was slowly changing".
"Deep down inside, part of me didn't want to leave, but I felt that leaving was the only way to fix my sadness. Something was missing and I wanted it back. I wanted to get back to who I was in 1995, and it took me time to see this".
"I felt as if I had given part of myself up when we got married, some of my free time and hobbies. I stopped doing some things I enjoyed, even though you encouraged me, I just stopped. I thought I had to leave you in order to do these things again, but I was wrong, I realized that I can integrate some of my needs with our relationship, I just can't let that part of myself go".
"Whenever I saw how scared you were sometimes, when I was acting crazy, I started to feel horrible that I was putting you through hell. But I couldn't stop the feelings that were pouring out of me."
"I looked up midlife crisis online one day and I was surprised by some of the things I read. At first I said, 'that can't be me', but I realized that some of those things did fit what I was feeling. I still wanted to deny it though cause midlife crisis makes you think of guys who go buy corvettes and dye their gray hair and go to strip clubs, all of which were things I didn't want to do!"
"I don't remember some days when I was going through this. I just wanted to sleep".
These are some of the things he shared with me...
It seems we are growing closer again, and the storm has calmed down a little. Ok, HIS storm has calmed down, but mine has just really begun.
He's been happy, I mean... like his old self almost, but I feel extremely angry inside some days. Only one time did we sit down and talk about my anger and he responded with tears, and felt bad at what he put me through.
My anger is directly focused on OW, what he did, and his lies. Sometimes the anger is consuming... I want to break something.
I think, this could have been avoided.... only if he had... (fill in the blank) But I realize after listening to him talk about what he was feeling last summer that he was on a bullet train heading quickly away ....a crazy train, that is.
But I'm still furious. I bounce back with feeling joy that he has woke up, to feeling anger that he has done this. I try to focus on what I'm grateful for.
I know I am going to have to stop thinking of ow, and stop being angry and resentful with h. I know that my behavior could ruin things.
I'm so weary... but all in all I'm so happy he is here, and that he is so willing to piece back our marriage again.
I have to say one of the positives that came out of this is... we talk so much more easily now and state our needs, and ..... our intimate life has improved greatly.
I see the smile on his face again and the peace in his eyes...
The other night I did say, "Some men kind of go back through this again" and he said, "Please don't tell me that. If I start to feel that way again I'm going to get myself some help and not wait".
As of now , we are not in therapy... but we are planning to go to retrouvaille. He seems to be interested in this... and hope to go when we settle in our new home.
