Living with groundlessness

[AntoniaB]

Well I did what the doctor said, and when I woke up each time, I actually just stayed in bed and kept repeating to myself that it was ok that I wasn't alseep, that anyone in my position would surely have sleepless nights, and that it was trying to teach me something and eventually I would understand. This basically kept me from ever waking up fully, and I'd just turn over and fall asleep again.

Till the nightmare. Now I see why my doc said the subconscious keeps you awake to protect you. Wow. I have only had a few sporadic nightmares since XH left, but this one was pretty darn meaningful and creepy.

First part: I was working in an office. I went to a different part of the building and walked in. There were men working there and the atmosphere was super-relaxed. I ended up chatting in a room with men, sitting on this large sort of futon with one guy in a suit. Someone put a blanket over me and him waist down. Maybe it was him. He started trying to touch me under the blanket. I realized I had a dress on and lots of layers on top but nothing under the dress. I gently pushed him away. He persisted. Eventually I forcibly pushed him away, got up and left, but on the way out I made sure to get this little white kitten that was mine to "save" it. He had an orange kitten and said it was stronger than mine. But I got away. I was afraid he'd come after me.

Part two, I go into this large Victorian house. It is snowing. I am worried that this guy is coming after me. I am trying to put all my layers back on...I've got like all the clothes I own on my back, and it's really bulky. I ask someone if there is a bathroom where I can change. Really I'm trying to get underwear on underneath and maybe less layers as it is hard to move. Someone (a woman) says yes. I go in a room. But it turns out it's not a bathroom. I still get myself "sorted" and walk out to sit on a couch next to my mom. I realize that there is a threatening man and we have to get out of there. I tell her get your things we need to leave. She keeps hesitating. I realize that "he" is coming back, and we have to go. I can't find all my stuff. I realize my shoes are missing. I say "let's go." It's a blizzard out, and I know that you can't run in snow with no shoes for long but it's urgent. I get to the door to run and turn and look and mom is sitting on this couch, sobbing, and she won't leave. And then I turn as the door opens and "the man" (not the man from before, a different one, fairly young guy) walks in. I pick up the nearest thing, like a can of something, and try to hit him, and he hits me first in the head and I go down, unconcsious.

Then I wake up.

As I am waking up, the FIRST thought I had was of the fire. When I was about 3 or 4, there was a fire across the street from my house, like a garage caught fire. My brother and I were sleeping. My dad woke us up so we could watch. I remember being scared out of my wits that it would "come across the street and get our house." My dad said that it wouldn't. Then I remember saying that even if this fire didn't get us, another one would. My dad insisted nothing would EVER get me, because he was always watching. I said "how?" He said "because I work shift work. Because I'm always awake. I never sleep. Nothing will ever happen to you."

The other nightmare I've had from time to time, is that there is a fire, and I'm trying to find all my cats and save them. I had that dream with XH living here, but he would help. The dream became more scary when it was just me.

When I think about going away, I often talk myself into staying home, because I think that the "worst thing that could happen" is no longer XH leaving, but a fire, losing everything but especially my girls.

NO WONDER I feel like my skin is ripped off and I feel so vulnerable. That dream shows complete fear of being sexually or physically assaulted, despite my own efforts, because I am a woman and alone. And it shows me trying to help my mom and her collapsing. And it shows me trying to save my "young" in a tenuous situation.

I have never consciously felt "scared" living in my house alone because the environment is so familiar, and with my boy cat, I even felt like my XH was still "here." When he died, I lost that. Now these fears are at the surface. Well that's good, but how to banish them? Or can't they be banished if they are ingrained from childhood?

My friend whose husband died when she was in her 40s said that since then she has nightmares, infrequently, but has them, of someone "getting" her. Her new husband lives overseas part of the year. She only has them when he is overseas. This is an accomplished and very formidable woman in the workplace, and the "little girl" comes out in her subconscious.

But anyway, there it is. There's the fear. Can I sleep now? ;-)