Daughter is not mine...

[keep_going]

Hollowman

First let me start by sending you my condolences on your multiple losses. I cannot even imagine how you must feel after all the family tragedies you have endured in the past year.

I am also sorry that you find yourself here due to marital problems. On that front, I can empathize and know the pain you are going thru.

After reading your thread and the advice you have been given, my heart just broke. I am not one who writes a lot - mostly a lurker, but there are some similarities between us. I, like you, currently have a lot of anger towards my H.

He left last Nov. just after we found out I was pregnant with our third child, (We now have 3 kids under the age of 4...) and right after we had bought a house.

Sometimes in the middle of the night, when I have to get up to feed our 3 month old and just 20 minutes later one of the girls wakes up crying asking for daddy and then the other one wakes up an hour later...In those moments I want to curl up, cry and give up. Why? My thougths are - WHY AM I GOING THRU THIS ALONE? H SHOULD BE WITH ME. Isn't that what marriage is about - for better or for worse?

You are going thru something A LOT more difficult than me. For goodness' sake - YOU LOST A DAUGHTER. As bad as my sit. is, I cannot even start to comprehend the pain that it must feel to loose your own daughter. But perhaps you may be feeling something like what I go thru when I am at my lowest. Which gets me to the point of my posting.

Perhaps a lot of your anger has to do with your whole situation and your loses - specially your daughter. You might be angry thinking how unfair it is that you have to deal with the loss alone - without your wife. You should be dealing with this loss together, right?

Perhaps your anger has also a lot to do with YOUR loss itself. I have to imagine that a year (and particularly with all the challenges you have faced) would not be enough to go through the grieving process of losing a child? Again - I HAVE NO IDEA because I have never experienced anything like that. I can only imagine...

So my point is that given everything you have gone through and all the pain and loss you need to grieve and accept, you have not been ready to let go of that anger. I know there are several steps in the grieving process and one of them is anger...

I understand and admire that you want to work on your marriage now - and you should. But I would strongly encourage you to start with your OWN HEALING. FOR YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTERS. It sounds from your comments like they are struggling too. THEY NEED THEIR PARENTS NOW MORE THAN EVER. Remember - they lost a sister too and they are very young. This is going to take a lot of love and tender caring for them to overcome their current situation. And they need the adults and the pillars in their lives (you, your W and rest of the family) to show the way and re-assure them that everything will be ok.

This is what I try to remind myself in my darkest hour, in my loneliest moment - MY KIDS NEED ME TO BE STRONG.

Regarding the situation with your wife. I have read a lot of threads on this boards (I am a big time lurker) and I can tell you that all that 25 has told you is GOLDEN ADVICE if you are trying to fight for your marriage. Yet, you might not be there (because of your loses, pain and anger) and therefore, your reluctance to accept it fully? But perhaps this can be something to think about, so please, come back to the advice givren and re-read often. When u r in a different state of mind, you might get something new...

On the other hand, please try to see a different POV. Even if your W is with OM, she is grieving a loss of her child as well. And I assume that she has always been a good mom, so SHE MUST BE GOING THRU HELL, JUST LIKE YOU. And perhaps she is also full of anger. So you may think that her live is all love and rosy with OM, but perhaps it;s not.

Do you want to inflict more pain to BOTH OF YOU with your actions? Haven't you BOTH have already suffered enough? She will live with all the consequances of her actions -
LIKE WE ALL DO, so why try to impart justice yourself?

I also assume that your daughters' illness was not sudden (it sounds like there were a lot of hospital stays), and both you and your W had to deal with that on a daily basis, while still trying to be a good parent and continue living. Every human being will deal with pain like that differently, and even though I am not trying to justify your wife's affair, perhaps her way of trying to cope or simply survive was to deny reality and avoid it? You went thru a major depression. It sounds like while that happened, she was left to try to keep the family semi-functioning?

Again - I am assuming A LOT, but I am just so moved and touched by the amount of PAIN and HURT associated with everything in your situation, for EVERY member of your family, that I have to wonder if perhaps you and your W will need to first heal from the loss of your daughter and give yourselves TIME. Who knows how each of you will come out of your own grieving process...

And this loss could eventually become a bonding experience for you both AND YOUR CHILDREN if dealt with appropriately. Why not focus on that, instead of focusing on her R with OM?

I am personally having a very hard time trying to work on my R with my husband, since I am not even healthy myself. In other words, if I cannot get a hold of my anger about my situation as a single mom of three very young and precious lives, and the loss of my really really bad marriage, then how can I expect to make any inroads in my R with H.

I have to work on forgiving before I can make any inroads...

Please know - I am NOT asking you to give up, but to PLEASE take care of yourself first.

First because YOUR CHILDREN NEED YOU MORE THAN EVER - RIGHT NOW. And second because you, like every other person in this planet, deserves to heal, find peace and be happy.

Stay strong and continue getting help - you need it and will greatly benefit from it. I wish you the best in your recovery and will check in to try to encourage you if I can in some way.