New here; husband left

[Autumn Leaves]

I've had a similar experience, my H is very sensitive to words and tends to hold those feelings inside and eventually I am faced with months of feelings coming out at once. I think the 5LL is a great book for so many of us. Knowing what our spouse needs is not only good for them but also for us.

[Coyote]

Thanks for the cudos TMC25, we all appreciate it

Just watch that you don't smother H with too affection 'too' soon. Be a friend. Be supportive. Yes, listen but hold back on the 'I love you's' or the 'you're my only one' for now. Not good at this point. Can actually chase H away for a bit if he's not ready for it. Best to let H set the pace on this type of thing. (No doubt, can't hurt to make yourself interesting though. See 'dbmod' above there. Good info there.)

Ya, there's no magic pill but you can certainy expand your chances of making this work by listening to H. However, if H still crosses a line that's not cool then let him know in a good, but firm way that that's not on and move on.

Yes, things seem to be progressing in a good direction, awesome. However, be prudent here. I've done alot of reading (maybe too much...) but Michelle actually says this best in that, 'Lasting change take time.'

In short, you're probably not out of the woods yet and might not be for a while yet. May even be a couple years before you two can feel comfortable again...but it's worth the wait!

[angel61]

TMC, you are doing well. What Coyote said makes so much sense, deeply into yourself and work on improving the way you are as well. ake the changes last.... they shoud be real, and not just a tactic to make your H come back.

Listen to your H with your heart.

[TMC25]

Thanks guys. I have not talked r w/ my h or said ant i luv u's or anything like that. Just trying to move from a really bad place to kind of friends zone i guess. H went a little crazy w/ angry texting over a babysitter issue. I stayed calm, listened, waited, and we eventually came to an agreement when he calmed down. Much less drama than previous inicidents. Going to the store to pick up a few books you guys recommended. H is going hunting this weekend so it should be quiet. He seems to be up to something and preocupied lately. ??? Another W perhaps. Just speculating. Time will tell... I wish I knew if he will ever want to come home and be a family. I miss him dearly and sometimes I think he will and other times it just seems so over bc he is so black/white.

[TMC25]

Coyote, during the babysitter issue i used your phrases to stay calm and valadate his feelings and it really helped. after a night to sleep on it we were able to talk on the phone about the issue like calm adults. And reach a compromise we both felt comfortable with. I'm going to try and keep up this way of communication.

[Coyote]

"Make the changes last.... they shoud be real, and not just a tactic to make your H come back."

This is so true Angel,

I know when I first started DBing back in '05 I was ghung ho to win W back! Tried this and that tactic, and I knew them all but... Yes, the tactics themselves had some measured success, here and there but in my sitch W had stuff that wasn't going to be resolved overnight. So did I for that matter.

To make a long story short, at the time I had trouble seeing the bigger and better picture. I was making changes 'just' to win W back. Even though Michelle and some select others warn about this. I didn't take to 'heart' the fact that I needed to do stuff to make me a better fellow all around. (Still working on this actually. Not a bad thing...was about to talk about BBqueing but I'll stop...with regret)

For example, exercising regularily. At first I worked out with the intention of lookin' good for W. I eventually got shot down on this. I then stopped exercising for a couple years. Became out of shape, Feelin' bluesy. Later, I started execising again but this time I found out that, 'Hey, I feel better when I do this, I think I'll keep this up!" I haven't stopped since. (Hopin' TMC25 can bypass this step and just get to the good stuff!.)

I know this can occasionally sound a bit like a buzz phrase but it is true, "Make changes for yourself" and "Lasting change takes time." Yes, sometimes it can take a little time but you can hit the button on the nose...sweet

[Coyote]

Thanks TMC, glad I could be of help. Lot's of other good folk here too.

[Coyote]

Sorry, didn't answer your question from before, my bad,

"Does anyone think this is strange at 25 and 27 years old w/ a 4 yer old marriage and 1 yr old child"

Marital difficulties are par for the course whether you are in your 20's or upwards to your 80's even (or more even, but long before that you may have a few things sorted out.)

[TMC25]

I'm really struggling on moving out or not. any ideas?

[Accuray]

Any decision like that is going to involve weighing the pros and cons of each path.

What are the benefits of staying?

What are the disadvantages?

What are the benefits of moving out?

What are the advantages?

If one of the things you are looking to accomplish is to "send a message" to H, that he better get it back together or you are gone, then carefully consider what you're going to do.

That message you would be sending is a "one time event" -- it's sent, then you can't send it again. If you move out, I'm guessing things will be harder financially -- and that's a recurring event, every day of every month.

Plus, you obviously risk that the message won't be heard or heeded the way you wanted. That feels like a "lose lose" to me, you made your situation worse and got nothing in return.

These are just thoughts based on some guesses. If you can answer the questions above, maybe you'll get some better assistance with your decision.

Accuray