I think the best way to bring your IL closer is to give them space. I am sure they are in shock right now and just digesting the news and its effect on their grand children. If you keep on doing what you are doing, being the best man/husband/father that you can your IL will see that.
Although nothing has been said I sense that my IL are routing for H & I. Although they are blood with H they are also blood with our children and want to protect them as well.
If your IL have been married for many years they know how hard marriage is. I am sure they have had their own struggles.
Give them time. Your W will continue to say & do odd things that your IL will see. You will continue to do normal things and be a great dad.
I continue to think moving out will help you save your M. Dont listen to the negatives, you are doing the right thing.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Bond, SIAS, WHG, LUV - thank you all for your posts today.
If you truly are worried what they will think about you, then I would take that to an IC appointment for discussion. At this point they really shouldn't matter all that much.
Boy, talk about detaching! Good advice on talking to the IC on this matter.
I really am not looking for validation or trying to pursue via the in-laws. I haven't been doing that with her SIL/BIL so why would I do that with her parents? They have been an important part of MY family for over 20 years. I love them like they are my parents.
I feel like I owe them an explanation. Surely they must be wondering what is up with me! Their daughter is in emotional hell at the moment and they must be hurting as well. It just feels like I need to talk to them.
I guess I'll hang tight for the time being and see what develops.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
"Yes, I know this. But, I also know that it is important for me to work on those things in me that drove her away (selfishness, controlling behaviors, emotional detachment, etc.)."
Of course, but never forget that your W has faults too. There's a tendency for the LBS to idolize the WAS as being perfect.
"It pains me to think that they may believe I have somehow instigated this whole ordeal. That somehow I am the one who wants out of the marriage or that I have no interest in trying to make it work. I respect these people immensely and feel like I owe them some kind of an explanation."
Mindreading. You don't need to read into what they or others think. No matter how close you were, right now they don't want to choose sides. In either case, they prefer not to say anything it's their choice.
Besides, do you really want your W to come back because her parents told her to? No.
I know right now you feel like you need to talk to them. Hell, you probably feel the need to talk to anyone who will listen. We've all been through it. Calm yourself down and start drawing on your own inner strength and not the validation of others. You can do it.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Last evening I went to my Divorce Care meeting and for the first 15 minutes it was just me and the pastor/facilitator. I was grateful that I had a chance to talk with him one on one since he usually rushes things along and doesn't linger (I guess D takes its toll on everyone!).
After DC I went home to tuck in the boys for the night and told my wife, see you around. Then I left for my temporary digs at a friends house. While I was still in the driveway I sent a text to my W letting her know that I'd be by in the morning to take S9 to the school bus stop.
Here is the exchange:
M: I'll be by in the morning to take S9 to the bus stop.
W: U moved out? W: Do they know?
M: WE told them yesterday. I talked to S13 b4 I left.
W: I didn't realize it was set. I'm very very sorry and I hope eventually you won't hate me. I'm so sorry.
waited 20 minutes to respond......
M: I don't hate you. Don't you understand that?
W: I've hurt you terribly and I hate myself for doing that. Thank you for giving me the space I need.
I did not reply to her final text.
What the heck is running through the mind of the WAW?
I go dark or very dim starting today!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
So strange. But I think the space will help me get her head together.
My H did something similar. We were in a counseling session - which he called divorce counseling b/c it was supposed to help us get a divorced smoothly. He spent the entire session telling me he needed to move out he couldnt take being in our house for one more second.
When we got home I told him to leave. Just do it now lets get it over with. He now refers to this day as the day I kicked him out. huh??
You are doing great. I think going dim and not being in your house will be a jarring awaking for your W. Keep it up
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
So strange. But I think the space will help me get her head together.
Wow! I knew participants on this board were here to support one another, but you my friend BM are actually going to help get my W's head together? No that's what I call, coming to the rescue!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
