As usual your honesty and the way you lay everything bare is astounding. I totally get everything you have talked about in these last posts. From what I have read it seems that many of your activities are solitary - writing, meditation etc. Teaching is interactive but much of the preparation is a solitary affair. I am not that familiar with your thread to recall what other activities you pursue. Do you go to a gym or exercise class? Are there any cooking or music classes you can take? What made a big difference to me was going to the gym which then blossomed into taking additional classes and now being very dedicated to exercising and not missing any classes. I have met so many interesting people and while I don't socialize with most of them, the interaction is something I look forward to. As I challenge myself to become stronger it really does help me to feel more positive generally.
The not relaxing thing was a real probem for me. I found that yoga helped tremendously in letting go of physical and mental tension. For me yoga is like a massage that you can get every day.
I do get anxious sometimes at the thought of being alone for a long time. But I reassure myself that I am where I am meant to be and I know I will not be here forever. You may have the majority of your connections over the phone or internet now. This will change with time.
As Beatrice said, it is hard. It can be brutal. What helps me is to acknowledge to myself "Wow. This is hard. I never thought I could do this but I can and I will." It is like climbing an emotional Everest but the view from the top will be amazing.
