I feel like I'm having a mini-breakdown (although to me it doesn't feel mini). Plodding along for 3 years.....trying to DB and doing well sometimes with that....and sometimes not so well. Lately, it has been very tough. So...I scheduled a talk with a DB coach tomorrow and then I have a dr. appt. monday to finally get some depression meds. I've put it off and put it off (worried about side effects - whatever they may be!).
Had a bit of a low spot on Sunday with H. I have not been the best DB'er of late. I find myself feeling SO ANGRY, SO SAD, SO RESENTFUL.
When H left for his "bike ride" on Saturday around 7am, he said I'll see you this a.m. and said he wasn't going for a long ride. Then I didn't hear from him until almost 2pm. So I called a couple of times around noonish but didn't leave a message.
Later...ended up cooking dinner with S20 who was home from college while H went to the gym (even after a "45 mile bikeride") H is back in his full body shaving groove. Whatever.
On Sunday....H verbalized what I was thinking. He said...."You're not happy when I'm not here....and you're not happy when I am here". I actually thought those same thoughts that morning. I apologized and said that I was just hormonal and feeling sad that D17 was gone and blah blah blah.
I realized that H is seeing me now as this depressed (which I now believe I am) woman. This is the excuse the OW gave for leaving her then H (apparently he was dealing with depression). Do you think that they have ANY CLUE at all that cheating on a spouse is maybe THE WORST pain that can be inflicted on a person? I don't think they get it. I was never depressed before living with a CHEATER. It takes its toll.
So...on Sunday when we were watching the Charger game, H pulled out his laptop and was surfing and surfing the internet (couldn't see) but I finally asked "so are you shopping for something?" (this was after at least an hour or more on the internet). H said "no, just checking IKEA for kitchen cabinets...my prospective client is considering using them". I said "REALLY!!!!" Knowing that the client that he is bidding a job for would NEVER go for IKEA cabinetry. COME ON!!!! But OW would. I would imagine that as a college administrator she would be on a tight budget. I believe he was researching all that time for cabinets for his OW and her groovy new house.
At that moment,I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT! I JUST BOLTED FROM THE ROOM. Passive aggressive I suppose. H doesn't KNOW that I KNOW that he is helping OW with her house. Most likely "their" future house together. That's when he made the comment about me not being happy when he's there and when he's not.
Then I feel guilty....sad...SO TIRED OF THIS!!!
So, plan for the week is to try to get it together. DB coach, and meds. seriously.
a.
Me - 49 H - 56 S - 23 D - 20 Married 25 years H moved out 10/11/13 H moved back in 10/13/13 H moved out again 8/1/14
Hello Abbey, I can remember the pain and anxiety I felt when I went through this with my husband. I remember the advice I received and how hard it was to follow. Looking back on it now, I am just frustrated that I did not do it sooner.
In your post, you talk about what your husband thinks about you. I would say he thinks one of two things..either you know about the OW and must not care or you would have said something by now, or, he has got you fooled because he has been cheating on you for 3 years and you have not caught him. Stop letting him disrespect you.
You need to go on your trip and hire the PI. Take the proof, because you now it will be there, and confront him. Tell him he has X number of days to get his things out of your house and that your lawyer will be contacting him soon.
Before then, if he says something about you not being happy, tell him that women that have cheating husbands usually are not happy. Do not respond to his replies. Decide what you are going to say and say it. When he tries the why, what about this, but you etc...reply that some of that might be true but you married and married people are not supposed to have girlfriends. Keep saying that until he realizes he cannot manipulate you. Stay strong.
Why would he change his behavior when he is getting everything he wants? You take care of the business and his home while she takes care of his fun and sex. He has it made. Until you upset his apple cart, he is not going to change.
I am divorced now and my husband still runs from one woman to the other. Do I wish that we were together still? Yes. But I learned that my self respect and the example I set to my children are the most important things.
M:38 H:42 T:20 M:19 D:18 S:17 MLC: Sometime in 2007 OW Bomb 1: 12/28/07 OW Online relationship 2: Spring 2009 Told him I wanted D: May 10, 2009 D final: 07/09/11
I was never depressed before living with a CHEATER. It takes its toll.
Meds cannot make him into a faithful husband.
Seriously - although antidepressants have their place, they should not be used to just dull the pain of a situation YOU CAN CHANGE. You don't have to live with this pain any longer. Get the PI and the proof (just so that he can no longer deny and he won't be able to make you think you're crazy) then boot him and get yourself a HAPPY life!
Note - I don't say this because I think all hope is lost. Actually, I think there might be a good chance he would turn around when faced with the reality of losing you - or he might come crawling back once he's consumed with jealousy at the thought of other men enjoying your company.
But you just can't go on like this, it's destroying you, and for no good reason. You've had plenty of time to show him how good the marriage could be, Now it is time to change tactics.
I am divorced now and my husband still runs from one woman to the other. Do I wish that we were together still? Yes. But I learned that my self respect and the example I set to my children are the most important things.
THIS ^
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
Well....I had a phone meeting with DB coach a couple of weeks ago (got some great support and ideas to cope). Started my depression meds last week.....I don't think they've kicked in yet. I have learned that struggling through everything that has been going on, and trying to do it by myself (with no support) has been draining me and has caused my depression symptoms. I have only told one person and we haven't discussed it again although she did ask how "we" were doing on our girl's trip last weekend.
I didn't hire the PI over the weekend that I was gone. I decided to just go with my friends and have a blast and that is what we did. No mention of any of this. We went wine tasting, stayed in a lovely home in Los Olivos, cooked, laughted, drank champagne, played silly board games, and even watched the big Alabama v. LSU game. Stopped in Santa Barbara on the way home for a lovely lunch at my favorite spot (Boat House - Hendry's Beach). Most awesome weekend! I did arrive home, H had the house cleaned up which was very nice. He was also rather amorous.
I told the DB coach about H's other infidelities (at least I think he had at least two others earlier in our marriage). I also told her that he hadn't told me that he was married before until after I had already accepted his marriage proposal. She seemed quite struck by that. He had been married very young at the age of 19 and then divorced about a year later. She wondered why it was that he didn't think he could tell me about his prior marriage until after I had already accepted his proposal. Something to ponder..........
The holiday season is soon upon us. I wish you all well!
Me - 49 H - 56 S - 23 D - 20 Married 25 years H moved out 10/11/13 H moved back in 10/13/13 H moved out again 8/1/14
He had been married very young at the age of 19 and then divorced about a year later. She wondered why it was that he didn't think he could tell me about his prior marriage until after I had already accepted his proposal. Something to ponder..........
Doesn't seem all that odd - he may have been somewhat embarrassed by his early failed marriage, and felt it was so short as to be of little consequence? BUT - it doesn't speak well for his level of honesty. Is he generally lacking in the honesty department in OTHER areas of his life, that don't have to do with you?
