W is angrier after my 180's - time + consistency

[2thepoint]

Quick post:

W brought me lunch today. Then we sat down to discuss breaking the news to the boys this afternoon. I told her what I thought we should say (will provide text below) and she agreed.

I asked her how she was feeling and she said sad and nervous. She asked me how I was feeling and I said just sad. She said she was sorry and then came over to me and hugged me and said she was sorry again. I was tempted, but didn't go there (you know... if you are so sorry than why are you doing this...).

I hope and pray that not saying anything will pay dividends down the road. Who knows.

She also said that I should stay an extra day before leaving so that it won't be so hard on the boys. And she said that she was worried about me being alone to which I replied, don't worry about me. Then she said something that I found odd.

She said that if I wanted we could trade weeks at the apartment so I could spend time at home with the boys. Not sure what to make of that.

Anyway, I thought her hugging me was a sign (small as it may be) of some softening of her heart. Time will tell I suppose.

After we finished our conversation, I sent the following email to my W:

Below is what I think we should tell the boys. I hope you agree. I think as their father I should be the one to break the news. If you disagree, please let me know. Also, as we tell the boys, feel free to chime in where you feel the need. I think it is important that we remain as calm and collected as possible.

Mom and I have been married for a long time and we haven't been getting along very well for the past several months. It has been decided that we should live apart so that we can find our footing and figure out our futures.

Starting later this week I (Dad) will be staying with a friend and then later in the month will move into an apartment across the street from X Middle School.

It is important for you boys to know that we both love you very much. None of this is your fault and we will work through this together and as a family. Nothing will change for you in terms of where you live, your school or your friends. You will continue to see both of us regularly and as often as you want. If you want to spend the night at the apartment, you can. There is a swimming pool and pool table and the school across the street has fields and tennis courts to play on.

I (Dad) will continue to be a big part of your life and you can see me and talk to me as much as you want, day or night. I will continue to take you to soccer practices, attend your games, play ball with you. Anything you want.

It is important that you support your mother during this time. You need to be good boys and do as she says.

We both love you very much. And if we had it to do all over again, we would because you kids are such a wonderful part of our lives.

W replied to the email saying "I think that is perfect. Thank You."

Now if you have been following my thread you'll recall that last week W was adamant that when we tell the boys that we should not give them any false hope. I don't think we do that here but it is very different than her posture from last week where she was leaning more towards talking about disclosing D.

So, maybe another sign, or just some rational thinking on her part?

Time will tell!

[MrBond]

Do you know why your W is fine with the message? It makes it sound like you are the problem. Do you really believe all that BS that you mentioned? Do you really want to live somewhere else or is this your W's decision?

"She also said that I should stay an extra day before leaving so that it won't be so hard on the boys."

How "generous" of her.

"Now if you have been following my thread you'll recall that last week W was adamant that when we tell the boys that we should not give them any false hope."

You notice she throws around the word "we" alot. If you don't believe it, then don't say it. SHE doesn't want to give them hope and mark my words, there is no such thing as "false" hope. Either you have it or you don't. Typical WAS thinking.

"Anyway, I thought her hugging me was a sign (small as it may be) of some softening of her heart. Time will tell I suppose."

Nope. She's doing it to soothe herself. Not you. If her heart was "softening" she would have told you not to move out. I can guarantee you that if you told her that you didn't want to leave she would have gone ballistic.

[2thepoint]

Maybe I'm delusional but I'm moving forward with this and will continue with my best DB efforts. I realize that my WAW's actions are for her own selfish reasons but I also realize that my actions that precipitated her A were what created the environment that then landed us where we are today. I do think her heart is softening in some ways, though not enough at this point to stop us from moving forward. I think time and distance will tell me if there is any chance for us.

Last evening we spoke with the boys and I have to say that that was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do in my entire life!

S9 broke down into a ball of tears while S13 just sat there seemingly staring into space. I did my best to hold my emotions in check but it was damn hard! My W just sat there (she told me she was heavily medicated) with little emotion until the boys came over and sat with me while we hugged and cried. She then began to cry herself.

When I left the room to compose myself, S9 let out a wail that just broke my heart! I left it up to my wife to console him. Then I went to check on S13 who had gone upstairs. I told him I loved him and that when he was ready to talk, I was ready to listen.

S9 later came to my room and asked me if I would watch TV with the rest of the family, which I did.

On top of the overwhelming sadness I felt in breaking the news to the boys, I also began to feel a significant amount of anger. I did not express this in any outward way, just held it in. But it was real and palpable!

Shortly before we told the boys, I was sitting on the edge of my bed trying to get my thoughts and courage together and W knocked and came in. She saw me just sitting there and all she could say was she was sorry. She said it 2 or 3 times and I said that we could stop this now and spare the boys but she said she couldn't.

So now it is a new day and a sort of new beginning as I prepare to move out. I will continue to focus on myself and my boys, doing my 180's and doing a better job at GAL. I have a Divorce Care session tonight so hopefully that will go well. I have another IC session later in the week (now up to 2 per week) and my workout regimen should increase as I spend less time at the house.

So I pray that this new day brings renewed sense of hope and opportunity into my life.

[sayitaintso]

I have read your story from the beginning. My thoughts and prayers are with you and I think you are doing an unbeliveable job. Be proud of yourself and have faith that you will be a better person for yourself and your kids when all is said and done as you already have shown to us.

[workinghardguy]

Hey 2TP... I agree with much of what Bond said. This is your chance to differentiate yourself. Why do you care what she wants? Exactly where has that gotten you?

Tell the truth. W and you are not getting along. Being together makes W sad. You want to be together, but that can't happen right now. You are not against being together in the future, but no promises.

The boys aren't dumb... they will quickly figure out most of this anyway, so don't lie to them. They need to be able to trust, so be honest.

Also, lots of what I've read about this says not to include the "None of this is your fault" for a couple reasons. First, they will likely internalize the D and think it's their fault anyway. Just because you say it won't change that. Just as you can't control how your W feels, you also can't control how they feel.

Second, if they haven't considered that this might be their fault, now you are telling them that maybe it is. Sure you're saying it isn't, but you're introducing the concept that in some way it could be. Why go there?

I'd drop that part and just say you will work through this and you're still a family. Just a different family with a different structure.

Ok... and the changing places thing every week? What the heck is that about? No offense man, but your W is screwy... that's just plain weird. Personally I wouldn't do it. The kids needs stability and definition. They will need to know you each have a "home" to go to. I just wouldn't go there.

[2thepoint]

Ok... and the changing places thing every week? What the heck is that about? No offense man, but your W is screwy... that's just plain weird. Personally I wouldn't do it. The kids needs stability and definition. They will need to know you each have a "home" to go to. I just wouldn't go there.

I agree. I think she may simply be trying to make it easier for me (she does have a conscience, it's a little warped at the moment, but it's there). However, part of me wonders how convenient would it then be for her to hook up in the privacy of an apartment if that was her motive.

I know I have to stop this line of thinking!

Anyway, with me moving out, I will be able to differentiate myself, set appropriate boundaries, etc. She achieved her primary goal. Now I get to work on mine!

[MrBond]

"I also realize that my actions that precipitated her A were what created the environment that then landed us where we are today."

Again, remember it's a two way street. Your W wasn't exactly walking on water. On top of all that, there is never a good "reason" to have an A. No matter how bad things get, you work it out and not call in a substitute.

"However, part of me wonders how convenient would it then be for her to hook up in the privacy of an apartment if that was her motive."

You know of course that's a real possibility. Part of her might want to "experiment" with other guys especially since she had an EA. You have to face that possibility now so that if it ever became a reality, you are able to face it without fear. Think of the worst case scenario for you and go through all the emotions now. It will help you to become better equipped for things as they pop up.

[2thepoint]

Again, remember it's a two way street. Your W wasn't exactly walking on water. On top of all that, there is never a good "reason" to have an A. No matter how bad things get, you work it out and not call in a substitute.

Yes, I know this. But, I also know that it is important for me to work on those things in me that drove her away (selfishness, controlling behaviors, emotional detachment, etc.). I feel that I need to create a more attractive me in order to get on with my life and perhaps one day..... well you know.

So I have this nagging need to reach out to my W's parents. We are/were very close and I'm troubled by the fact that while her sister and her sisters husband have reached out to me, I've not heard a peep from her parents.

It pains me to think that they may believe I have somehow instigated this whole ordeal. That somehow I am the one who wants out of the marriage or that I have no interest in trying to make it work. I respect these people immensely and feel like I owe them some kind of an explanation.

I understand that there is danger in them there waters. That I have to be careful not to instigate taking sides. I know that blood is thicker than water. And, I know that this could be construed as pursuit.

So what to do?

[luvhurts49]

I can tell you from experience, that more times than not, the parents will always choose their kids side no matter what. They are only concerned for their kids happiness--everything comes in second. I talked to my MIL about my situation and all it got me was lied too (although I didn't find that out til later). Now don't get me wrong, I love my W family, but I'm not blood, therefore, I'm not really family.

[workinghardguy]

Leave them alone. You're doing a fine job of rationalizing why, but ultimately isn't your goal in doing it to effect your W's decisions? If you're honest with yourself aren't you hoping your MIL will sit your W down and tell her she's crazy? If the answer is yes then you're pursuing, albeit remotely. Instead of directly pursuing you're using them as your proxy.

I know it's hard. When my MIL stopped by on Halloween and gave me a huge hug I had to fight like crazy not to break down, not to cry, not to tell her everything that's going on. In my head I had this vision of her talking to my W and telling her how stupid this all is. But I stopped. I know that won't happen.

And if it's that you care what they think of you... why? Why do you care? I mean, seriously, what does it matter what they think of you... they're your in-laws and soon to be ex-inlaws. Talk about a group that doesn't really warrant much consideration. If you're going to insist on external validation then at least start with your own friends and family. The last place I would go would be my STBX in-laws and family.

If you truly are worried what they will think about you, then I would take that to an IC appointment for discussion. At this point they really shouldn't matter all that much.