When someone meets me for the first time, they either say that I'm shy or that I'm an a$$hole. I am naturally argumentative and always have a need to be right which leads some people to think that I'm also arrogant or full of myself. I'm currently working on these as part of my 180's, but I do appreciate the sentiment though Accuray.
I did do a lot of things wrong. I didn't pay enough attention to my W. I didn't do enough to ensure W happiness. I got comfortable in my M. I let things slide when I should have addressed them. I ignored the signs of temptation of OM. I rejected thoughts of jealousy. I put too many things ahead of my M, my W, and my kids.
However, I didn't choose to have my W leave for OM. I didn't choose to see my kids less. I didn't choose depression and sadness.
I choose to be a better dad. I choose to forgive my W. I choose to make myself a better person. I choose to never stopped loving my W and my kids unconditionally.
What else can I do? Nothing. I know I can't change her, but I still want to. I know I can't fix anything but myself, but I want to do more. I want the OM to go away, so maybe her heart comes back to me. What else can I do?
Me36, W38 S12, S3 T20, M4 Bomb dropped 8/18/11 Moved out 8/18/11 Filed for D 10/20/11 OM Confirmed 11/5/11
So how can I try and stop this A from going any further than it already has?
You can't.
Quote:
I am going to confront my W about A and the OM, but what do I do about the OM? Do I confront him as well?
I understand your need to confront your wife and i know you plan to do it. I also think it's a mistake. Confronting him IMO is a mistake also. Too easy for things to escalate.
I'll tell what I do know, if you try to interfer with this affair, you will drive them closer together with you as the enemy.
Think teenagers. I'm sure you've at least known a teenager or two who were forbidden to see a boy/girlfriend. I've known several as a teen and as an adult. I'll just say, they were instantly more in love than you can imagine. Do you really want to facilitate that? Just askin'.
I did confront OM, but the A was already over by the time I found out about it so the situation was different. There are many threads I have read on the boards where OM was confronted, including one where the OM was the LBS' cousin! So much for family.
There are 3 outcomes, 1 OM won't talk to you, 2 OM gets belligerent, 3 OM is apologetic, tells you it will end, then keeps it going (lies to you).
Grace is 100% right that it will drive W farther away and OM will move closer.
Do you know OM?
When I was considering confronting I spoke to DB coach. She actually told me to do it if I needed to. She said that some men will respect that, and I he's looking for a reason to get out he may take it. I that happens though it is on you. You just took happiness from your W and she WILL resent you for it.
That said, it's your decision to make, just think it through. What do you want out of it? How can it go wrong? What will you do if / when it goes wrong? Is the potential cost worth it? You decide.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
No, you're right. I don't want to drive them closer. Telling someone that they can't have something or that they can't do something and they'll just do it anyway--yeah, I get it, especially when she's acting the way she is.
I would like to say something to the OM along the lines of, a decent person doesn't pursue a married woman no matter what. I don't care if the married woman show interest, you just don't mess with a married woman. I know I shouldn't and I probably won't, but I really want to.
So anyway, knowing that this A started as and EA and has progressed to a PA, does it make it that much harder for it to end since both the emotion and sex is there or does it even matter?
Me36, W38 S12, S3 T20, M4 Bomb dropped 8/18/11 Moved out 8/18/11 Filed for D 10/20/11 OM Confirmed 11/5/11
"I know I can't change her, but I still want to. "
Start by stopping this kind of thinking. You wouldn't want someone to change you would you?
"I didn't choose to have my W leave for OM. I didn't choose to see my kids less. I didn't choose depression and sadness."
Your W didn't choose those things either when you first married. Things happened in life and got to the point where she life seemed easier on the other side of the fence.
Do the things that can make you happy and your life fulfilling again.
"I didn't do enough to ensure W happiness."
Be more specific. Give examples. Come up with a concrete "to do" list that you will follow. Come up with a motto that you can aspire and stick to. That will give you the focus you need to do what you need to do.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Shoot, your post went up before mine. No, I don't know the OM personally, but I pretty much know everything about him though. I know it's a sticky situation and more bad things can happen than good. But man, I'd just love to knock on his door and see the look on his face because as far as my W and OM are concerned, they don't think that I know or that I know where OM lives or when they see each other.
Me36, W38 S12, S3 T20, M4 Bomb dropped 8/18/11 Moved out 8/18/11 Filed for D 10/20/11 OM Confirmed 11/5/11
So anyway, knowing that this A started as and EA and has progressed to a PA, does it make it that much harder for it to end since both the emotion and sex is there or does it even matter?
I don't know that it matters.
I think it all has to do with how you view sex. It can run the gamut from a physical act to a spiritual one. And the truth is, you don't really know how each of them views this, nor can you. So, everything you can do not to put any energy into thinking about it the better...for you.
I know it's hard, and I know you mind goes there when you least expect it.
I used to use a behavior (or thought) modification technique of wearing a nice thick rubberband on my wrist. If I caught myself doing or thinking something I wanted to change, I'd snap that puppy so hard it would welt.
For women, the emotional aspect of an A is far stronger than just physical. At least for the vast majority. They feel that they've met their partner for life, etc. My W thought her boss was her soulmate. Until he threw her under the bus, of course.
In what ways can you shine as the better man?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Just like you're saying MrBond, I'm kinda hoping that after a while the OM will leave my W for one reason or another. Then maybe she will see that the grass isn't greener and that the OM isn't her soulmate.
Obviously my W loved me enough at one time to be with me for 20 years, M for 4 years, and to have 2 kids with me. So I believe that I am the better man, just not the better man right now (or so she thinks).
The last year has been really tough for me personally and I know it affected my M and my W. My mom had cancer, had problems with my best friend, and was internally dealing with the guy (later the OM) she was working with (jealousy). I know that I need to shine brighter now than ever in order to get my W back, but it is really hard because as the time apart (and the OM) has grown longer and longer, my W is getting more and more angry and is seeing me less and less.
Me36, W38 S12, S3 T20, M4 Bomb dropped 8/18/11 Moved out 8/18/11 Filed for D 10/20/11 OM Confirmed 11/5/11
I know that I need to shine brighter now than ever in order to get my W back,
No no no no no...
Your mission is NOT to "get my W back". If you continue with this line of thinking, you will badger your W with, "Look...I've changed! See what a wonderful man I am now? So drop the OM and come back to me." You will look like a little child showing off for Mommy. She will see through that one in a second, accuse you of false changes and pull further away.
Your mission is to shine brighter FOR YOU. You need to become a strong, confident, assertive and caring man FOR YOURSELF. Keep your W out of the equation. She couldn't care less about what you do. She is completely dialed into the OM, and you are just a nuisance to her.
lh49, I apologize if that sounds harsh, but it is the truth, and if you know anything about my situation, you know it is the truth, because I've been there, done that and I have the WAW living with the OM to prove it.
The only way you have a shot at seeing your W disengage from the OM is to become a strong, confident man on your own, and maybe she will notice and start to wonder about her choices. But there are no guarantees. WAW's with OM's in their lives usually continue down their path even if they know it is wrong because in their minds their marriages are already over, they are living their lives the way they want and to hell with anyone who stands in their way.
I know where you are. I know how you feel. Our W's have slapped us in our faces with the ultimate act of selfishness and betrayal. But we cannot persuade them, cajole them or force them to stop doing what they are doing. All we can do is examine ourselves, own and admit our parts in these situations and learn from our mistakes. Our goal is to come out of this with our self-esteem, self-respect, sanity and masculinity intact. If our WAW's see those characteristics in us and begin to second-guess their poor choices, we can then decide if we want to build new relationships with them. But they will need to do a lot of work on themselves and the marriages before we let ourselves get hurt like this again.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS