What do I do next? Part 2

[Accuray]

I also went through the out of nowhere deep depression cycles and hiding in the bathroom to break down, that's normal. My IC told me that over time they will get less frequent and not last as long when they do occur, but unfortunately the last thing to go is the intensity.

One thing she suggested to me is that when it starts coming on, think of all the things you are doing for your wife or for your family. Don't know why that helps, maybe it points out that you're not helpless.

In terms of your wife not discussing things with you, here's what my wife said: she was scared. If your wife tells you she's unhappy, one possible outcome is that you say "me too" then leave, kick her out, or divorce her yourself. For women in particular, this can be terrifying -- they don't know how you're going to react to fundamental dissatisfaction with the marriage, so they keep it inside and try to deal. They don't tell you because they don't think you're willing or capable of fixing things.

Over time, they feel trapped and resentment builds. They happen to meet a friend or coworker who is nice to them and pays attention to them, someone who makes them feel good about themselves. This almost always starts as an innocent friendship. They establish common ground, common interests, or get together and talk about the problems with their spouses or ex's. In your wife's mind, he's just a friend. Each day, she compares the trapped, helpless feeling she has around you with the warm, supportive, connected feeling she has with OM. The once solid "friendship only" ground she was standing on starts to get slippery. At some point she realizes that she's crossed the line, but by then she's hooked.

There is never really a hard decision point, it's just one more little action that followed the one prior to it. By the time they realize they are way over the line, they start constructing rationalizations to keep things going and you become the bad guy.

From my experience and from what I've read, that's how it happens, that's why it's not about you.

Accuray