Help with WAW

[sandi2]

Has anyone been able to bring their marriage back from this darkness?

I was a WAW in my M. I was also involved in an emotional affair with a man I met over the Internet. Turns my stomach to think about it now. If not for my own personal experience, I would probably have a very different view point. The people who helped me were right here. I think they're all gone for the most part, b/c they have moved on with their M's. The reason some of us are still hanging out here is to hopefully pay forward for the help we received.

Guess I was a little out of the norm, considering my stitch, b/c the majority are the left behind spouses. Anyway, it saved my M of many years. So, a lot of what I may say is based on what I've learned.

Since you've read the Walk-out Woman, you probably have some idea of why women leave their M. The female ties so much of who she is and what she believes a R is all about....on emotions. Women are emotional creatures. Some just have a more outward show of their feelings than others do, but we all have them. When her emotional needs are not met for a really long time, then she tries to find a way of surviving. She may find some outlet to make her feel needed, happy, or special. Some are able to stay in a MR for the sake of the kids, or religious beliefs, etc., but sometimes the "emptiness" gets too unbearable and they feel they have to escape in order to live.

It doesn't mean the H is a bad man, or a bad H. Doesn't mean she suffered from any abuse whatsoever. It means she has felt dead on the inside for so long that her last attempt at living will have to be apart from him. That's why in so many cases, you will find depression linked with the WAW.

Depression and resentment. She pushed resentment down in her heart for so long that she doesn't even seem like the same person. Of course, we women have to deal with a lot of hormone changes our entire life! So, that has a big bearing on us. As with me, those hormones just stop producing what our bodies need and it "can" change a woman into something out of a horror movie.

So anyway, not trying to sound like I'm making any excuses for a WAW, but just trying to explain how a foundation can be laid years before she actually walks away. BTW, she doesn't have to physically leave the home to be a WAW. It's all in her heart/mind. That's what determines if she's a WAW. I never left my home, but you would never find a woman any colder to her H than I was.

First of all, don't panic. You will not make good decisions out of fear. You'll have to remind yourself to refuse to allow the fear to control you. A WAW can practically "smell" fear in the LBH. That makes her even colder, and meaner, than ever. I'll be telling you things that are a turn-off to WAW.

Don't try to fix her. Wow, but that's a hard task for you guys b/c you're natural fixers. She doesn't want to be fixed by you. She may not believe she needs to be fixed at all, but trust me.....she will turn on you and that will push her away if you persist.

Don't try to change her mind. You will desire to try and talk her out of leaving you, but as you've discovered....it makes her resolve even stronger. So, you are actually "fighting" for your M....by not trying to change her mind. She already has her defense wall constructed and the more you talk about the R, the higher and thicker that wall will go.

I can already hear you saying, "But what can I do? I can't just sit there and watch her walk out of my life". You will not be idle, okay? You're just going to handle this differently than you expected. It won't even seem natural to you, but it will be the best way.

Your work begins now. Think of how you once were before getting M. What qualities did hold that drew your W's attention? She must have admired something in you to choose you to M. Men tend to have a goal, project, or target in view when going down through life. You do the same with the girl you M. Your first goal was to get her to go out with you. Goal accomplished, then you look at the next step, etc. I really believe that is one reason men tend to get a bit too relaxed after M. They did whatever it took to get the girl and ride off into the sunset, so mission completed! But for her....it had just begun. She thought you would be like that guy forever. So, go find him! Well, as much as you liked, and the rest you can improve.

The point is to turn your focus away from your WAW and on to yourself. We're not talking about being selfish, but rather think about entering yourself into boot camp at DBing and how your M, and family, will benefit due to your progress.

Make yourself goals. Break them down to attainable weekly goals in order to reach the larger ones. This is an important part of finding a sense of self-respect/worthiness, and serenity. Within those weekly goals, force yourself to get out of that house and spend time with friends who have a positive affect on your feelings. Don't discuss the M problems. They will say things against your W, b/c they are "your" family & friends. Do your talking here. Get your support here.

Base getting a life around fun things, entertainment, spiritual, etc. Do the things you've always enjoyed but just haven't done it lately. This does not have to exclude your children, but you certainly don't want to take all your free time with the kids. That doesn't mean you love them less by taking time away from them. I think some dads on here tend to think they're doing something wrong if it's not with their kids. Don't let guilt lead your decisions with your W or children during this ordeal.

Take a day at a time. This will not end quickly. It will take a long time. You must be very patient. Never have expectations where your W is concerned. That is where some men fall down. They will do something and then expect a certain response from the WAW. They set themselves up for disappointment. Do not ever think she is giving you a cue to push for "more" just b/c she acts nice or the two of you have a long conversation. NEVER!

This is not the girl you married.