new to this..

[NLW]

Hi L2L,

Sorry things are a little rough for you at the moment.

But you know what? You've got to trust how you feel.

You know your H and your situation better that anyone. And you feel there is a real chance.

Keep to that. Sometimes it'll get tough, and sometimes you'll feel negative, but you know this is just how things go.

Keep your eyes on the prize, as wise heads say.

In my experience, the only thing that worked to change how I was coping was the passage of time. I tried and tried to detach a little, but nothing worked. And then eventually, it just started to happen. Now, I'm still not great at it, and I still think about my situation and H almost all the time, but it's slowly getting better.

So have hope - that there is a real chance for a better relationship with your H, and that you will feel better regardless of what happens.

[learning2listen]

Things continue to be rough, I have spent the weekend struggling not to contact my H, and made it.. it was incredibly hard. SO last communication was Thursday...

I had a long time friend come see me last night and he was brutally honest. and said he sees the life has just been sucked out of me.. He remembers me to be happy and life just bubbling out of me.. I vaguely remember that woman. But I cant find her.

I really dont know what happened but i am trying to find happiness and strength within myself. I will not let all of this destroy who I am. I will not let one person take away my desire for happiness.

my h has severe mood swings, and though they have not been directed at me in the past they are now, I cant make him see this, it is something he has to do. I am just rambling at this point..

My H always told people how happy he was, how much he loved his family, how lucky he was, then the stresses of the economy hit us quite hard and he bolted. These are his issues. I am not sure that I understand them, and since he isnt opening up to me I can only work on my and make me better.

[learning2listen]

Journaling....

Today I woke up a little different then the last 3 months, I realized today that I deserve more. I have spent the majority of my life happy and due to financial stress I have been negative for the last few years...only I can change that about me.

My H has some great reasons for leaving, but unless he wants to share them with me, I can only assume what they were..and honestly I think that is his problem

I feel somewhat empowered today, today I decide that I will detach, I think I have been for a while, but not enough for my h to really feel the impact of it. he knows or at least he thinks he knows that if he says the word I would reconcile in a heartbeat.

I still feel that he is the one, but I can not make him do anything, he is his own person, as am I. I like the perosn I am becoming, funny thing is, I am very familiar with her, she is me, take away the negative that I have had. I am proud of where I am going, and I am happy this happened..(well to a degree) I am sad my marriage may end, but I am happy that I am emerging a positive glass half full person again. this is who I am, this is how I want to raise my girls.

I will take each day with a smile, I will live life to the fullest, I will be thankful for all that I have been blessed with and I will continue to grow. I am truly stronger than this.

I know that I will have mountains to climb, but I will climb them, I will tackle each day with the humor it sometimes takes to get through... I love that I am getting a second chance with my life and I will not take it forgranted! I will not let this define my character, I write my rules and my story is only just evolving into the book I want it to be.

I will not say I dont have moments of sorrow, of fear, or even some regret, but I truly believe that this had to happen, for me to realize who I am. I love my h with every part of me, i thank him for his choice to leave, because had he not done it I probably still would be living in the fog and blaming every possible thing rather than looking in the mirror to see how maybe just maybe I was not who he married.

I may not end up with my h, but I will end up with me.. and for now, that is ok. heck for now that is even great!

[mishka422]

I want you to print what you wrote above and keep it close to read in the times when you backtrack into the pain and agony. Yes, I said 'when', not 'if', because it will happen. Just know in your heart that what you wrote is the truth and the rest is pain talking.

[learning2listen]

funny, i thought the same thing after I wrote it, and printed it and put one copy up in my office and one in my wallet. This will not always work to keep me positive but I am truly happier when I look at things with optimsim as opposed to negative.

[learning2listen]

Still feeling pretty good, but I do have some questions, that I am sure are pretty normal...any advice would be hugely appreciated....

First, I recognize that I need to improve myself, but where in this do our spouses see that they too need to improve..

FOr me this falls into a "doormat" feeling.. I do not nor have I ever condoned my h's actions. I see that there is hope for a better R down the road but at some point when do we discuss every action creates a reaction?

Example... my h is still scheduling the lunches, it seems he may look forward to the hour we spend having small talk.. I look forward to them in a way, however I have been walking away from them with more questions..does that make sense?

the first lunch he did most of the talking, it went well, then nothing the following week, then lunch again, went well but this time we did discuss possibly doing more lunches and maybe family time.. now today lunch is scheduled again, no idea how that will go.

I want to re-connect, but I find myself afraid.. I dont know who or what he is looking for? or if he is looking to me for anything.. how does that door open?

These are all just questions...

[luvhurts49]

You can only work on yourself. Nothing you do or say will make your S want to do anything that they don't want to do. You keep making changes to yourself for you, not for your S. You can't control your S. If they decide to make a change, it won't necessarily be for you and will likely be a change to spite you.

As far as lunches go, let your S talk. Just sit there and listen unless a response is needed. If your S is coming to you for interaction, that's good--don't make it too easy on them. Remember, you pull away to draw them closer.

[learning2listen]

just had lunch with my h, becoming kinda of a weekly ritual, he talks, I listen, this week the hour turned into 2 without any silence.. no R talk what so ever...but something did come up..

Last week I had a family emergency with my mom who lives 550 miles away. I spoke to h and though he was very sweet, his only suggestion was the kids could come stay at his house (keep in mind he rents a bedroom from a friend..)

I was not ok with this, first my oldest would be driving much further to work and second I have never even been to his house, i dont know the people he is living with and I am not comfortable with it at all.

This week at lunch he offered to stay at my house with the kids, I know this is not rocket science to all of you on here but for me it was huge, it was a selfless act of kindness that would help me and the kids.

My H is starting to seem more like the man I am deeply in love with. The little things such as lunch going on for hours of just talking (me mostly listening) laughing, then when we go to hug he kisses me, not a passionate kiss by any means, and it seemed a little fumbled because I wasnt expecting it, but none the less it was something.I then kissed him again, which i probably shouldnt have, but today was a good day. I truly enjoyed it.

He asked if we could do it again next week, I reminded him I was trying to go for my visit, and he said oh yeah just let me know hopefully by tomorrow so he can change his work schedule a bit, so he can take youngest to school...

My question for today, is... am I right to not read too much into this? I mean it is no secret I want my family back but isnt this a small step?

[2thepoint]

Yes, I think you are right not to read too much into this. Although it seems like things are improving in certain areas, you have to be careful not to fall into the trap that could undo all your progress.

I think you need to give this more time, and also maybe cancel or not accept ALL the weekly lunch dates. This way you don't come across as overly optimistic while also mataining your mysterious aura.

Make sense?

[learning2listen]

ok something i have left out of our sitch, that I am thinking to get accurate advice needs to be brought to light.

My H had a criminal record due to something that really wasnt his fault (words from the judge..) this haunted him day in and day out for years prior to me.I tried to get it off his record but he would have had to do alot of work and with the laws constantly changing in this area it got more and more difficult.


When we had our last major blow up (almost 4 years ago) a switch flipped in him and his anger went out of control. He did this infront of my friend and she called the police, he was arrested and charged with multiple things, a restraining order was put in effect and we had no idea what we were going to do.

after 3 months he was able to come home, and his family paid for a wonderful attorney and all charges were dropped or reduced, in addition the original old charges were dismissed. In our state it was the first of this ever.

When we were moving to our separate residents and again in text message before we actually started talking rationally he stated he resents me for that arrest and only came home because his attorney said it would help the case.

I truly dont believe this, however the words are out there, and that is what he does.. then he will go to his cave and sleep alot. which is what he is doing now. I never thought he would do this to me and the kids, but it is a pattern i have experienced first hand, i have seen him do this to his best friends, brothers and mother. I know he has issues I know he needs help, but I push his buttons too..

I know he is starting to come out of his cave, I can see it. Its very subtle and I think this is the worse I have seen him do, he threatened to end his life because he saw it to be hopeless.. I do not understand why his family does not insist he get help, but its easier for them to blame me for his problems and if we get divorced he will be fine...

So you see that is my "whole story" any words of advice now?