What do I do next? Part 2

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Good man! Gaining that perspective is difficult, it's so easy to retreat into feeling sorry for ourselves. It's difficult to rise above it, but when you do, it's something to feel good about.

My IC told me that 90% of men won't do the work when things fall apart, they just retreat. I guess the other 10% are all here, but that's another thing to feel good about.

As bad as your situation is right now, it will get better -- it can only get better. Your journey with your W is not done even if you get divorced. It's your choice to continue to work on restoring your relationship for as long as you want, and it will be your choice to stop if you decide to do so.

Someone on this site recommended visiting David Schnarch's website and downloading his audio program about affairs and affair recovery. It was $10 and is a presentation he gave to a group of therapists. I did find it helpful, you might as well. I'm reading his book "Passionate Marriage" right now -- very meaty. I feel like I've read half the relationship and marriage books known to man at this point, many are mediocre and/or forgettable. I really like MWD's books, "The 5 Love Languages", "Passionate Marriage", and took some value from "Love Must Be Tough", although that one was dated and had some stuff in it I just plain disagreed with. The first couple chapters were golden however.

Passionate Marriage talks about the fact that to have a successful marriage, you need to be able to stand on your own. So many of us are overly dependent upon our spouses for validation, self esteem, etc. We simply attach ourselves to them too deeply and become codependent. Passionate Marriage suggests that this inevitably leads to gridlock in marriage followed by crisis. The only way to sustain is that each partner needs to be ok with themselves, to be able to provide their own self-esteem, to be able to provide their own validation, and then CHOOSE to engage with their spouse versus NEED to engage with their spouse.

From my perspective, this is another take on GAL -- pursue what you like to feel good about yourself and make yourself whole. Break the dependence on W for how you feel about yourself. Working on yourself in this way is hard and painful. Most people don't do it because they don't have motivation to do so. Crisis provides that motivation, and that's the silver lining here for you, you have the opportunity to come out of this a much better man than you came in, more enlightened, more self confident, and by extension more attractive.

You WILL get through this.

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