I really appreciate your taking the time to answer my post so thoroughly. It helps to see the mindset/view of the cheating spouse. (Not that I agree with it).
To answer your questions/comments...
ASSUMING YOU WANT A RECONCILIATION...and trust me, it's NOT clear to me that is what you want...
I do want a reconcilliation. At least I think I do. But I want a reconcilliation with the woman I married; the mother of my kids. NOT with this solely career focused woman who used a very difficult time in our lives to justify breaking her vows and destroying her family. Also, please keep in mind many of the things I am posting here are things in my head that I have NOT said to her.
Plus, I don't know what your w SAID her issues in the marriage are. Did she say you are an angry man? IF so, do you see how you are going to FUEL that negative image?
What were her specific complaints about marriage to you and what of those complaints, were valid AND what are you doing about those?
After my daughters diagnosis and numerous hospitalizations I withdrew into severe depression. She at first was understanding and tried to help, send email links, bring books on depression, etc. After a while she became more curt or noncommunicative. She was tired of me sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I gained a lot of weight, I wasn't taking care of myself (hygiene, dress, etc). I had no interest in anything.
She told me on several occasions she was unhappy but it didn't mean anything to me. I wasn't happy either. She slowly started pulling away from me. I later noticed there was less physical affection. Not just sex, mind you, but hugs and other nonintimate signs of affection.
One morning I was actually feeling pretty good and I went into the bathroom while she was getting ready for work. I put my arms around her waist from behind and went to give her neck a kiss. She stiffened up and jerked away. She made a comment about how I am always pawing at her when she is trying to get ready. That I always ruined her hair and makeup.
I didn't know what to say. Later she told me that she was no longer physically attracted to me since I had gained so much weight. As you can imagine that did wonders for my self esteem and self image.
I do not have anger management issues. In fact I am trying to quit being such a "nice guy". My life revolved around making her life easier. I handled virtually all the household responsibilities. I kept the vehicles gased and tuned up. I would go out in the morning during the winter to clean snow off of her windows and warm the car up. I even cleaned her cats' litter boxes out. All of the time. I would arrange my work schedule to accomodate hers. (In case you haven't noticed my "Love Languages" are physical affection and "Acts of Service").
I have my inlaws in town this weekend. They know about her cheating.
how do they know? If YOU told them, what was the goal?
She told her father. She told me that he told her we have all done things in life that we are not proud of. I am sure there was more to the conversation but that is all she told me. But knowing her, and reading between the lines of the letter I got from my inlaws, she left a LOT of things out. If all they know is what she told me that she told them; she left a lot of the story out and minimized anything that would put her in too bad of a light.
The babysitter/cleaning lady/nanny told my cousin that she thinks Audrey is his child.
what?? Who appointed her to do this? Who would say this? FIRE HER....
OMG SO NOT any of her business...shockingly indiscreet and arguably evil...WTH? Never heard of such an outrageous breach of trust.
She is a 65 year old Polish woman who grew up under the Soviets. She doesn't mince words. In fact, if I had listened to her years ago we wouldn't be in this predicament. She told me that something was going on between my wife and douchebag. I refused to believe it. She told me that she would stay over one night and I should drive out to the hotel to surprise her and see if he was with her. Hindsight is 20/20.
My wife's first husband cheated on her when she out of town visiting her mother in the hospital. (At least that is the story she has told me). She would always make a point about how anyone who cheats is the lowest of the low. How could he do that to her while her mother was dying? Yet she did the exact same thing to me while our daughter lay dying. In fact going over old phone bills and calendars I noted that she called me at the hospital one night while she was at the hotel with him. Nice, huh?
Another good thing about the nanny is she says things to Lori that need to be said. She tells her "You no good mother. All the time you leaving and girls crying and waiting for you. You no cook you no do nothing." You can imagine how this goes over with my wife. She has said to me a couple of times that we need to say something to her. Even though she has been with us for so long she has to show some respect to her employer, blah, blah, blah. Trouble is I agree with her.
My wife just spent 5 days in Arizona on business. He was with her. This weekend she leaves for Grand Cayman for 8 days for an industry conference. I am sure he will be there. Every night I have the girls they ask me if mommy is going to come home and why does mommy have to work all of the time.
My cousin is a nurse and asked me if I wanted her to find out about DNA testing. If my cousin suspects this she will probably tell my aunt. Who will probably tell my mom.
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING? Is this child SO different looking? Or are you telling people? WTH?
Also, my brother-in-law has connected the dots. He knows how old Audrey is. He knows when Lori was fired from her previous job. He knows that she spends an inordinate amount of time with him and travels with him for business. He has been telling me for over a month to have a DNA test done.
YOU need to put a stop to this. Stop them from hurting your d and if you really care about your w's rep, it's up to YOU to stop the rumors...good grief.
The question I am asking myself right now is do I tell my inlaws tomorrow morning. The truth will eventually come out. I have family members now questioning her paternity. Those suspicions will soon reach my mom. If she hasn't already had that silent fear.
Why do they have all these suspicions? Why will "the truth" come out? I'm missing something here...
I've never heard of this many people questioning a child's paternity, when the mother is married. Is the child a different race than you?
We are both caucasian. Obviously my cousin is inquiring because of what the nanny said to her. My brother in law is very sharp and he is simply connecting the dots along the timeline. I think the biggest reason some people are starting to contemplate this is because of what my wife has done/ is doing. She had cut off almost all contact with my family. She has moved out and is seeming to lead a different life as a different person. No one understands why. We didn't fight, etc. The trauma of the loss of my daughter is what my mom is telling herself (and giving my wife the benefit of the doubt). But her actions seem so much more drastic than what people expect.i.e, you already lost one daughter and it emotionally affected the girls. Why would she do something that is going to cause them even more difficulty? That is what no one can figure out.
There is more than a modicum of truth in that a part of me would like to hurt her somehow in her father's eyes.
wow. That would not help your marriage at all. But it would hurt both him and her. Gee, how's that make you feel about yourself?
I understand where you are going with this and what you are getting at, but... You need to take into account what she has done to me and to our family. She has betrayed me in the most despicable base manner possible. She has fractured our family tree. To say that I want my pound of flesh is an understatement. The angry, rapacious vengeful part of me wants to hurt her in such a way that she will feel the agony she has caused me.
However, I love her so much it hurts. And that is what is killing me. My decision would be so much easier if I hated her.
Anytime she was sad or upset and there was nothing I could do to help make her feel better really bothered me. When she was pregnant with our oldest she was sideswiped by a cab in NYC during the winter and knocked down. As soon as I made sure she was okay I chased the cab down. If not for her being okay and intervening, I would probably beat the s**t out of the cabbie. That is what we men do. Our DNA directs us to protect and provide for our family.
That is what I am trying to do now. Protect my family. If my tone here is angry...so be it. Better here than when I am on the phone with her or in her presence.
My counselor said the two things I need to look for are remorse and insight. Remorse: is she truly sorry for what she has done and working to make amends. Insight: does she understand why she did what she did and what steps is she taking to insure that it never happens again. I don't see either of those with her.
You may be right. Maybe my attitude is what is allowing her to justify her behaviour to herself. I am trying to work on myself. Truly. I am down 50lbs. I am at the same weight I was when we were dating. I have been dressing better. I have continued to see the psychologist and take the antidpressant. I am talking with my DB coach.
The new tact this week is to try something in her love language. After reading the book it was like a light bulb went off in my head. My love languages are touch and acts of service. I can see now that hers are gifts and quality time.
She used to complain that I never get her anything or take her anywhere. When she would get me something I would tell her not to spend the money that I don't need it. I would get upset that she went shopping all the time(retail therapy). I can see now when I would chastise her for spending money on a gift for me she felt like I was rejecting her love. That was never my intention.
I thought all of my acts of service and embraces showed her how much I cared for her. I see now that I should gotten her some small things in addition to my actions. So, after talking with my DB coach I am going to try it this week. I am going to buy her a housewarming plant for her apartment. When we first started dating she bought me a "love fern" for my condo. It is still alive. I tell myself that as long as that is alive our love is alive. So I am going to buy a "love fern" for her apartment.
I have to wrap this up. 25yrsmlc, if I upset you with my post it was not my intention but I stand by what I have written. I am on an emotional roller coaster.
I know I need to "put myself in her shoes" to try to see things her way. But there is so much anger and hurt inside. I have no one to talk to. I have not told any of my family or friends about her infidelity and certainly not about our daughter's paternity. So the only people who know about the affair are her family and anyone she may have told. Not really the people I can go to for comfort. Thank God I found this board. Please help me.
thehollowman PS I am sorry that my post is so disjointed and nonsequential.
PPS I know someone who has millions tied up/lost in this MF Global fiasco. I copied and pasted the paragraph you sent me regarding turning it over to God. He liked it. Thank you.
