Let me explain what she's doing with the cat. There are no children between the two of you to use as a "connection" or "excuse", or "opportunity" to make contact. The real reason she returned the cat was b/c then she could pretend to be concerned about the cat's well-being, not yours.
I see this happen all the time with couples who have kids. Yeah, they use their kids as a gateway. You'll never get them to admit it, but they do! The WAS and the LBS are both guilty. Whenever there are no children, but pets.....same thing.
Now listen, do not be telling her that you could have snuggled (or some such stuff as that) b/c that is heavy pursuing. Sending her kisses by TM or whatever, is a big no-no! You are not to profess your love, express any need for her affection, or remind her of how much you miss her. Every time you do that.....you'll have to start over at square one.
When she contacts you or shows up, that is her pursuing you (but she would die before admitting it). That's why she has to find some "excuse" to contact. Wha-la, the cat! Now she has a 24/7 built in excuse.
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At what point if she does, do I respond positively and start building?
Well let me put it this way......that time is far away that you do not need to even spend time thinking about it. You have to much other things to worry about right now. The biggest thing is to not jump at any of her pursuits or (what you will think is "positive" from her). More later, but just remember....she's only testing you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks for that Sandi. Now you will be very disappointed to hear that I have relented yet again...
After the "not talking to me" text message, I replied that I was in the car, so couldn't. She wanted to know where I had been so told her I had been to see a friend about some work he wanted doing. Then I was asked about where the picture of the cat I sent her was taken, even though I told her in the email. Had some more text messages about her search for the missing cat etc.
21:30 I got a Skype message "You still up?"
She wanted to tell me she was listening to Rod Stewart etc and wanted to see the cat, so setup a Skype video call. That lasted 30 mins or so. Finished in chat, I weakened and sent her xxx and got the same back.
Whilst typing this, my phone went. I burst out laughing to see it was her! Of course she wanted to know what was funny, so told her it was one of the cat's antics. She wanted to know if I knew of a person who had hanged himself that was one of my competitors at one time. Brief chat about that and she tried to end the call, so asked her about her day and ended the call myself. I think I heard a puzzled tone to her voice.
Sorry I let the side down, I am finding it so hard to resist her overtures.
Sandi is right on the money. You have to create the desire for you. It's that old saying about wanting what you can't have. She craves your attention, and you keep giving it to her. The problem is that when she finds someone else, she won't be texting you any more.
When she texts asking what's up? Wait several hours. Then call back and say that you were busy. No details. Just matter of fact. You can even try calling her at a time that you know that she's not going to be around and leave a message. "hey sorry I missed your call, I was just heading out for dinner. talk to you later."
Boom done.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I am 100% accepting what is being said here MrBond. It is my lack of courage that has been my downfall. When I get some contact, I just want to use it as a building block. I do believe that she is regretful about moving out and is lonely, especially now she has no "babies" any more. She doesn't have answering service and like me, she has her phone with her virtually all the time, so can't leave messages.
I like the comment about "off to dinner" but see the venom described previously about my female friends. It scares me that she will see it as a threat she doesn't have the self confidence to address, in her depressed state. She is trying to destroy everything good in her life, some symptoms of MLC I think.
Having Sandi's input is great because she can see it from the female point of view, which I have more difficulty with.
I am just making excuses here I think for my lack of backbone.
I don't play around, Ajay. I'm going to tell you like it is, but it's up to you to put it into action.
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I like the comment about "off to dinner" but see the venom described previously about my female friends. quote]
That's b/c she knows she can throw a fit and whip you back into being her dog with his neck in a chain. All she has to do is jerk back on that leash and it stops you graveyard dead! You will never have the guts to even look at anyone, can't you see that? She doesn't want you, but she doesn't want you to have anyone else. So let her throw a b!tching fit! I bet you don't die from it. Unless you choose to.
Ajay, I'm going to talk to you as if you were my grown son. You have got to start acting like a man with this girl or you will never have peace.....much less happiness! As long as she can control you with her anger and/or her low self-esteem issues, or her depression.....she'll continue to do so. The sad thing for her is that she'll not try to help herself. As long as she has you buckled down under her orders and scared out of your wits over what she might do.....she'll not likely change for the better. If she sees that she doesn't have you in her back pocket, and when she looks around at the wreck she's made of her life.....then she may try to get help with her problems.
[quote]It scares me that she will see it as a threat she doesn't have the self confidence to address, in her depressed state.
You don't get it. She needs to see it as a threat! By that, I mean she chose to leave you and she needs to see what she gave up. She needs to realize she could very easily lose you. She needs to know that she can't have it both ways.....living as a single, but keeping you tied down, too.
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She is trying to destroy everything good in her life, some symptoms of MLC I think.
Is there anything else you want to throw into the mix?
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I am just making excuses here I think for my lack of backbone.
Oh, but you'll be much more attractive when you've inserted your new one!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi's got it right again. And believe me, she put me in my place more times than I can count.
"I like the comment about "off to dinner" but see the venom described previously about my female friends."
That's her insecurity playing on her. Right now it doesn't concern you. It may seem manipulative, but it's going to happen if you D. She needs to feel the loss.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Nothing particular to report apart from the fact that I am very jittery today and yesterday. I am finding this waiting to see what hapens very difficult, when every part of me wants to contact her. I have heard nothing since the Skype conversation on Tuesday evening and it bothers me that she is content with the status quo. I am trying to pull myself up a bit, but a large part of me is missing. Hope to get some reassurance that this will all work out, because it just feels wrong not to call her and wait for her every time.
it just feels wrong not to call her and wait for her every time.
It's not wrong to wait. That was a pattern that needs to be set aside now. Remember that this is a DB skill you are learning.
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it bothers me that she is content with the status quo
I wouldn't say she's content. But I think I warned you about testing. She may be waiting to see if you make the first move to contact. If you do.....then she knows she continues to have that "hold" over you. It will set you back.
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Hope to get some reassurance that this will all work out
Another common mistake the LBH makes is looking for reassurances from the WAW. She will not give that b/c she's trying to convince you it's over.
Come here to be reassured that you are doing the right work. She will not give you words of hope.
