Alcoholic H wants D part 2.....

[imthemom]

Thanks Mishka, i guess i could tell him that when he does ask me..but saying you will have to ask your dad that sounds to me like I am blameing him (H)...and for some reason I dont feel comfortable with that..????? I dont want him to hate his father and would be just as devistated as I think he would if he found out about OW.

This morning I am having some desperate need to write H a letter or send him a message...I have not done this since he dropped the D bomb..I did go to the house and try to talk him out of it one time in the first few days after but was completley rejected.
for the sake of my sanity and in hopes of stopping myself from making a complete idiot out of myself I am going to write it and post it here, just to get it out ....feel free to scroll over it cus its not pretty..

J,
I saw a truck that was identical to yours this morning on the way to work. Made me miss you so much. Its hard to believe that we no longer have daily contact or know what each other is doing threw out the day. I feel like there is a hole in my life were something huge was ripped out...im praying every day that it will be filled or simply close up so the pain of it being there will stop.

I miss your good morning texts and hate that I did not appreciate them at the time. I miss the cards and flowers you would leave in my truck and hate that i did not acknowlege your efforts most of the time, and took for granted that you were not going anywere. Im sorry that I did not support your sobriety, Im so proud that you have accomplished that and know that it means alot to our son. I will admit that I doubted your commitment to it and spent the last 2 yrs waiting for you to fail...protecting myself from what I thought was inevitable.

I am sorry that I did not acknowledge my anger problems even though i was well aware of it, and continued to take my anger out on you and the boys on a daily basis instead of getting help and fixing the problem.

Although I did file for divorce, I do not want our family to be destroyed by this and hope that by some miracle, both of us will realize the chance we have to turn this around and be a family.
I love you so much J and I am willing to do anything, what ever it takes, no matter what the cost to stop this and turn it around. I miss your arms around me and I miss hearing you call me mama. but most of all I miss having you here to talk to ...I have never been able to talk to anyone the way I could with you.
Its sad that it took this to make me realize what I had.
I pray every night that your heart will be opened to me again.
J


sorry...but that really did feel good to get out and I think ill be able to get on with my day with the tears now..