Today is the 2 year anniversary of when my world as I had grown to know it, changed forever.
It wasn't the typical bomb that you often see here, but the impact was the same. The growing emotional and physical distance between my wife and I forced me to finally address the situation and ask my wife what was happening to us. The response was the same as others here have heard; I no longer have feelings for you, I am no longer in love with you.
I knew that we had issues, but never in my mind did I ever think that my wife was no longer in love with me. Hearing that she had felt this way for the last 10 years of our marriage was devastating.
I found this site shortly after and clung to its promise of hope and reconciliation. Following the stories of others here with the same themes and patterns showed me that I was for the most part the author of my own demise. My impatience, short temper and controlling behaviour alienated me from both my wife and 3 children.
I immediately embarked on a journey of self-improvement that contrary to the advice here, was predicated on trying to win back the affections of my wife as opposed to trying to become a better person.
I took some but not all of the advice here and tried to put my marriage back together and crawl out of the emotional hole that I found myself in. I bought the Divorce Busting Book and sought personal councelling.
As the first year progressed, my wife and I had a few relationship discussions that did nothing but reaffirm her take on things and place all of the blame on my shoulders.
Looking back, I am not sure how I made it through that first year. Lurking on this site was a key to my survival. As the first anniversary was approaching I joined the site to get more direct advice from the many knowledgable folks here.
During the course of that first year I had suspicions that my wife was involved with another man. Although not recommended, my snooping efforts provided the information that I didn't want to see.
13 months into this journey I was faced with the fact that not only did my wife no longer love me, she was in love with another man. Even though you think that you have hit rock bottom when the bomb is dropped, finding out about an affair takes you further down then you thought you could ever endure in terms of emotional pain.
I never got the details of the affair from my wife, what information I had was painful enough. He was her former boss who hired her into the company. He was recently divorced and had his eyes on her from day one.
Unfortunantly, based on my neglect of wife's emotional needs, I left the door wide open for him to step in and fill the void that I had created. In some respects, I do not totally blame my wife for what happened. On the other hand I still am not in a position to forgive her for what she did and I am not sure whether I can ever forgive her. I know that forgiving is a key step in moving forward, but at this time the hurt is still there. My wife has never apologized for her actions and I think this is part of why I have not forgiven her.
She continues to work at the same company as him, but they have at least ended the affair. They still interact at work and although I don't approve of this I don't know what I can do to effect any change other than trying to be a better person. She will end all contact with him only when she feels that it is necessary.
Over the last 2 years I have experienced pain and emotional despair that I never could have imagined. The only thing that kept me going was the advice and sense of community that this site provided. Knowing that others were dealing with the same situation and seeing how they approached the day to day challenges prevented me from wallowing in self pity and despair.
At this time my wife and I are still married. Sadly we continue to live as roommates and there appears to be no interest from her in changing this arrangement. I sleep on the couch during winter and in our sunroom during the warmer months. I will not go back to our bed unless invited.
On a positive note, in a strange way we actually have a better relationship then where we were at 2 years ago. We now have a daily discussion of what the kids are up to and how things are going with respect to our various jobs and careers. 2 years ago, I would come home from work, eat and then go take a nap on the couch. More recently my wife has taken to calling me during the day regarding work issues. This is something that she had stopped doing about 2 years ago as well. Unlike before where I would try and quickly solve her problem so I could get back to what I was working on, I now take the time to simply listen and offer words of support and encouragement. I now follow the same approach at home. The other night we spent 2 hours talking about her work.
I also now have a better relationship with my 3 kids. They are no longer afraid of me and I have learned to control my temper and quick to judge responses. They feel more relaxed around me, enjoy my company and want to spend time with me.
I am also in the best physical shape of my life. I work out 5 times a week and follow a strict bodybuilding diet. My friends and relatives all comment on my physque and how young and fit that I look. I have always worked out, but now because of my situation, I needed to give it 100 percent in order to survive this emotional ordeal.
Moving forward, I have no idea what lies ahead. My wife does not want a divorce, nor does she want to work on our relationship. I am ok with this for now as I never wanted to put my kids through a divorce. I suspect that at some point when my wife feels that our kids are old enough to handle it she will leave. Our youngest is 9 years old so I don't think it will be anytime soon.
With every day that goes by I feel myself moving further and further away from my wife emotionally. When you get nothing in return from your spouse emotionally or physically staying in love with them is something that I cannot see as being sustainable. 2 years of nothing but basic friendship if that, doesn't fill much of my needs.
At the start of this process I wanted nothing more than in this world than to have my wife come up to me, give me a hug and tell me that she loves me. I still want to feel this happiness again, but every day wanting it from her becomes less and less of a need.
I will continue to work on being a better person as I never want to go back to being anything like the person I was that had created this mess. Whether my wife will be the benefactor of the new me or some other woman is to be determined.
At this time I am moving away from this site. It has been a great support and lifeline for me, but I feel that at this time I need to move on. Looking at all the new posts on this site reminds me too much of where I was when I first came here. The feeling of despair and the desperation to do anything to save the marriage. The longing for signs of hope and change after DBing for a couple of days or weeks and hoping that this will undo years and years of their spouses unhappiness and displeasure with us.
The advice here is fantastic, but I think that in 95% of the cases it is too late. This type of information needs to get to people before their marriages are in trouble. Once your spouse has left the marriage emotionally, it is very difficult to get them to come back no matter what you do or how you have changed. For them it is all a matter of too little and too late.
As the veterans here will tell you, it is not about saving the marriage, but saving yourself. Rebuilding your self esteem and eventually turning who you are into someone that would make a great spouse, although likely with another partner.
For those of you just starting on this journey, things will get better. No matter how painful things may feel today, eventually you will all be able to move forward. It is important to know that things will improve for you regardless of whether your spouse returns to the marriage. By focusing on yourself and your kids, you will start to create a new life for yourself and with new hope and internal strength for a better future.
Good luck to every on this site and thanks for your support and advice over these past two years. I will check in once in a while and hope that everyone here finds the happiness that they deserve. Take care.
Thank you for posting this - it's my situation almost to a tee and I fear I too am in the 95%.
I will keep DBing and doing what I can for my girls and me.
M47 W45 D10 (Has CP) D7 M12 T14 ILYBINILWY 5/1/11 Asked for seperation 5/10/11 Seriously DBing 7/1/11 W admitted to 2 EA's on 11/3/11. Evidence of PA 11/5/11 - Definite evidence of PA 11/20/11 D - Final 7/11/12
You will only be in the 95% if you want to be. While you still have an ounce of strength, feed it into working the program. Only when you have nothing left to give should you roll over and play dead. You still have your S there, use that to your advantage. I have to make do with odd visits etc.
You are part of the 95% if you end up being part of the 95%. You have little control of whether your spouse files,and follows through with the divorce and guess what. NOT a single thing you can do about it. It's not about what you can control in the R or M or what you HOPE to accomplish. Here is the funny thing. You can DB till the cows come home, you can DB better than MWD and STILL not save anything. The major point here is to let the M end up where it ends up and simply worry about yourself. Anything short of that and you are spinning your wheels.
I have a lot of hope for a lot of things one of them is winning the lottery but guess what.....I don't plan my life around it.
Hope you will continue to let us hear from you. This MR may not be where you want it now, but I tend to think if she doesn't want a D, and she's still living with you....and has ended things with OM....then there's hope.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have to say that I would give anything to have my H in the same house and be able to DB on a daily basis...I would take that second chance and run like hell with it... good luck to you, I agree with Sandi2...I still see hope for you..
Me:48 H:42 M: 18 yrs. S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H D bomb: 9/9/11 OW confirmed 10/30/11 D papers filed 11/01/11 S15 S21(Special needs) S28
Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
Thanks everyone for responding! I will check in here occasionally and let people know how things are going, especially if there is an improvement in my relationship.
As long as my wife is still living in the same house, I will maintain hope that things can turn around. I have thought about asking my wife for a divorce, but I always think that maybe in another 3 months things may change and that she might soften her position.
In the interim I will continue to DB, work on becoming the person and parent that she always hoped I would be and not give her any reason to think that she has made the wrong choice by staying in our home. Everything else is outside of my control.
I want to be able to look back at this point in time 20 years from now and know that I did everything within my control to try and save my marriage. Knowing that others see hope in my situation gives me additional strength to keep working through this. Thanks again.
