Living with groundlessness

[AntoniaB]

Thanks IB and Beatrice :-)

I have tried to articulate how it feels "physically" to feel the way I do about being alone, and all I can come up with is that I feel like I have not let the tension in my shoulders and neck release in 17 months. It feels like I'm in a perpetual state of "fight" that sometimes becomes "flight" through perhaps having some drinks or getting super distracted in games on the alt, as an example. But mostly, I'm in "fight". What's going to happen next that I have to deal with? When's another shoe going to drop? It's relentless. And my book isn't helping, as that is a constant source of tension and stress.

I cannot physically relax. I think this is why I have such a terrible problem with insomnia. Even when I'm "relaxing" I'm not letting go, so I can take myself out to dinner as I do every Tues. night after meditation, and I can sit there and enjoy the taste of the food, but I'm very aware that I am there alone, and I sit with such hope that someone will come in and sit at the bar, and the only people who ever do are couples who have eyes only for one another, or married men bringing a paper in and never looking up.

The other physical manifestation is the feeling of complete vulnerability because of being alone, not just in my house, but alone in the "area." ALL my deepest friendships are with people who live 4 or more hours from me. I am very friendly and do make a lot of gestures to be closer to others in my immediate area--colleagues for instance--and I tend to be the one to do the inviting out for drinks or dinner or to a gallery. But these are all women who have their own very close friends, and I can't just turn myself into their confidant...they aren't looking for that. They have those people already.

I think one of the oppressive things is feeling that this isolation will last a long, long time. There is only so much I can do to make new friends without being pushy. I've got lots of new people in my life, but face it, they're acquaintances. It will take years for these relationships to grow. And then since there isn't even one man around who I am dating, I think wow, even after I meet someone, it will take years for that to turn into something deep.

I think the hardest part is knowing that despite all the things I can do for myself in my career and such, that the companionship and closeness with another person I lost is going to take years to build up with others.

I fear that this feeling of not being able to "relax" will persist unless or until I can have people in my life who are physically PRESENT here that I can be close with. This is all a byproduct of me and XH not ever forming friendships with others nearby. It's like I'm paying so hard for our collective choice to wrap our lives up in each other and I can't just "fix it" overnight, because other people I know locally just aren't looking for BFFs.