25yearsmlc -- Thanks again for the post. I had to print it out to make sure I answer it all. Plus, I'd like to have it to refer back to from time to time. Ok, here goes...

I guess the main thing that I am resisting regarding a formal recovery program is the fact that I don't feel like it would be very anonymous. I'm an attorney in a pretty small town with several clients in AA/NA and fear that it would hurt my professional reputation were I to attend meetings. I understand that there is a greater likelihood of staying sober in a more formal program. I've done pretty well so far though, minus a few setbacks in the beginning. I see my counselor tomorrow morning and will discuss this with him again.

As for the dogs, you're right that I wanted to punish her under the guise of Shocking her or teaching her some sort of a lesson. I wish that I had not done that. However, after speakign to my C we said that since I had promised she could see them any time she wanted that should stand. So I texted her back and told her she could see them. I didn't specifically say that I wouldn't be there, but that's fine with me. When we spoke on Halloween I reminded her that she could see the dogs whenever she liked. I have them because she says she felt it was best for me to keep them and they would help me through all of this. While that's true, it's also true that she has two other dogs and she took those. The first, Twister, she got when she left me the first time. The second, Stormy, she got when she left the second time. Incidentally, the man she got Stormy from is the man she's dating now. Twister and Stormy are both pit bulls. She's very into showing and training pit bulls and so is the new guy. I kind of feel like she knew she wouldn't have time for the two I have so she just left them with me. It's a lot of work to get a dog ready for a show and fall is prime dog show season.

My C is a DB type. He's the one who turned me on to MWD and recommended the DIV REM book.

I see what you are saying about the anger being a big problem. I let my anger at her having an affair keep us from getting back together. In going back and rereading the chapter on infidelity in DR, I see now how wrong I was and that she needed me to comfort her as much as I needed comfort as well. Not much I can do about that at the present moment I guess.

I've said some very hurtful things when i'm angry. That's been a big problem for me in the past. I wanted things done my way (selfishness) and got angry when it didn't occur that way. I also knwo what you are saying about getting fuzzy about me being a jerk. I (like all of us I guess) have a tendency to remember myself as being the "good" one and forgetting all the times that I acted like a hurtful jerk. Of course, she remembers all of those times, I'm sure.

And yes, I did behave just like her with the OW. I never should have been texting OW. I'd give anything if I hadn't done that. I don't know how to repair that damage now though?

I certainly need to be more honest, kind, calm, genuine and reliable. Do you think that by being in a 12 step program I can better accomplish those goals? I will speak to my C about it once more.

I think that's a good idea to get some GAL activities that involve people. I'm hoping the Habitat can do that. I like the community theater idea as well but I'm certainly no actor. Maybe I could do something behind the scenes?

I said "but she works at..." because that's the way she sees it. She once worked at our vet's office and she was happy there. She constantly said she wanted to make more money and so I helped her to get the job at the community college. She hated it from the beginning and felt that I pressured her into taking it. There is probably some truth to that.

My work is going ok but I don't know that I'm "fulfilled". I'm really starting to dislike the practice of law through all of this. I'm successful at it and have a good client base and am on the partnership track at my firm. I really couldn't ask for much more, but something seems to be missing. I guess typing it out makes me realize what I've internalized for some time and maybe I will speak to my C about that as well.

My parents wish I'd just quit wanting to get back together with my wife. My mom says "If she wanted to talk to you , she would" and to just get over it and move on. I think they are just tired of seeing me hurt so much. My W's mother probably feels the same way. She dislikes me at the moment or at least she did over the dog thing. My W has told me in the past that her family would think she was crazy if we got back together.

I wish I had worked on a relationship with her family but I did not and it didn't concern me at the time. I know now that was wrong and her family are nice people and I should have done more to have a relationship with them. My W didn't do much to have a relationship with my parents either.

I guess I thought if she had seen me on her way to work the other day she might have started to miss me and then would text me as a result. That is crazy I guess.

I'm still not sure I got to everything in your post, but hopefully I got to most everything. Thanks again so much for your advice and insight. I like how on this site it seems that posts and responses are ready when I get up in the morning lol. it really gives me something to look forward to and starts my day out on a positive note. Thanks!