Woke up feeling sad and despondent - like I'm right back to square one. The good thing that I can say is that H mentioned all of the positive changes he has seen with no prompting from me. He keeps mentioning that this is something that he has to go through. When I told him that we have to get prepared for our separate moves at the end of the lease, he seemed shocked. I truly believe that he believes that he is administering some form of tough love. By ending things, I'll shape up and we can have a life together again.
I've been so erratic lately, thinking things are moving in the right direction, then he drops bomb after bomb. I really have to list some clear, concrete goals so that I don't keep getting sucked in. For now, I want no physical contact with him at all. I don't know if this means I should avoid his touch, but it really makes me so angry for him to continue cake eating.
I have to get out of this house. Having a schedule where he can come home at anytime and me always being here has to change. I will need both a job outside of the house as well as a car to accomplish this. For now, I'm looking into weekly car rentals as this will help me to secure employment more easily.
My oldest daughter will be enrolled in some type of pre-school and the youngest will go to daycare. He needs to share the responsibility with me, both financially and scheduling-wise. If we are going to start living separate lives, we both need to understand the full brunt of single parenthood.
Maybe I'm going full speed, but I've been toying around with making real changes for so long that I really need to stay busy to get focused. Its just too painful to have him continue to use me and think that its really all for the best.Its going to be harder to miss him if I stay preoccupied.
So, my goals are to:
1. Get a job outside of the house. Part time or full time, it doesn't matter.
2. Get a car. This will be difficult until I have stable employment, but renting a car won't kill me for now.
3. Find out about school/daycare options. This will make it easier to keep the house clean. Both kids will be in kindergarten or pre-school next year anyways.
4. GAL hardcore. No weekend will be spent at home and many evenings during the week will be filled with activities. Between the gym, art classes and social outings with friends, I will stay busy.
5. Continue counseling sessions. My focus will be on dealing with parenting issues.
I know that come next summer, he'll have his tail tucked between his legs. Quite honestly, making it that long without him will likely color my perception of our relationship. I feel abandoned, taken for granted and discarded. While I still love him, my heart can't take this anymore. These actions will probably act to make him curious, pursue and drive him away in some respects. I don't have any idealized goals, but if we ever get to a point where we consider reconciling, they will be on solid terms. All in or all out, that's the only way I see it for now.
