Another crisis.....but H opening up now

[angel61]

25,

I myself am not reluctant about the posts, but I think you cannot go by yourself. I will check with the coordinators.

In my dealing with H though, I have learned that one of his biggest things (just as in many here) is the way he perceives me to control the situation. I have learned not to push, so I just let him know what I want and feel, and he can decide if he wants to come in for the ride. I did not push him for Retrouvaille; after I mentioned it once and he said he would go, I registered us, then afterwards never mentioned it again. he was the one whol asked me to arrange for childcare, and who thughtof the logistics on how we will get there (especially since he had to fly out right after the weekend).

Yes, I will continue practicing the tool that Retrouvaille provides, even without him. H does want to attend the post sessions but he already indicated that he will not be able to attend the first two (due to travel) plus inside, I know he has to process, as prior to Retro he had always said he had no inclination to work on the M, and felt as though it was hopeless, thus his feeling stuck. During the weekend was the first time that he has seen the light in a loong time. I do think we will start going to the next ones, then come round to finish the first one, and maybe even repeat some of the posts next year. I pray that he will keep an open mind and heart as we go along.

Ok, next thing: Let me explain to you what I meant by the options my H WAS facing, and why he feels so stuck:

In the beginning of our sitch, he fell for OW, hard. Thus started the EA, which I suspect was actually less involved than I originally thought. My H wanted to be free to pursue OW, thus all the justifying and blaming and the bad behaviour. Since me and my H did not exactly start with romance(friends and a mentor (me)- mentee (him) relationship with a strong sexual attraction we gave in to), I think in his "idealistic" mind he wanted to start right with OW by first of all, getting free of me, then pursuing his "happiness" with OW. My H, who never was romantic and affectionate, finally felt that type of love for OW, as evidenced by the texts and emails he had sent her. This was his selfish phase. During that time he rationalized that it was all my fault, that our D would be OK even if we parted, that D would understand that he made a mistake, that we were never truly in love before, etc. etc.

Then somehow, the values he grew up with, his Catholic faith, came in and made him stop and think about what is really right, how he needs to stand by his family, he saw what would happen to his daughter. This is what I meant by the other option: he realized that in the end, he would be miserable whatever road he took. If he pursued OW, he would be miserable because of the guilt, and the shame, and of course the fact that he was turning away from his values and beliefs. Many of the MLCer's and WAS in this boards actually had to experience this misery and that is why they came back in the end; my H knew before he even left.

With his decision to stay, on the other hand, he felt that he was condemning himself to a life of misery living with a woman (me) he no longer loved, with whom he had a miserable relatiship with. That is why he was feeling stuck.... But as we went along, he started seeing my changes and realized that maybe, he would not be as miserable as he once thought. I was keeping the road home paved and smooth, he knew I still loved him, he started feeling safe and forgiven. Nothing new to all of you here in the boards, right? But still, he did not feel anything for me. And this may be OUR difference here as a couple, because in many of your marriages, love and romance was something you could look back to. In ours, as my H sees it, it was never there (I don't buy it totally, but lets see what happens).

What our weekend experience did to him is to bring that hope to greater heights, make him realize that our life together has hope for love - this time, not the chemical love that he felt with OW, but a real, deep, Biblical, love.

He kept emphazising to me during the whole weekend not to expect a turnaround, or a solution right away.

I understand.... and I am willing to take the long way with him. I need it too.... there are many things to learn.

25, do I make more sense now?

I think I summarized in a way our situation, now looking at it from hindsight.

I don't know if some of you out there can relate, and can glean some pearls from my sitch.

All I can say at this point is that I feel we are on the way to a new beginning, and please continue praying for us, my friends.