Have you discussed with your L that you would like as much time as possible to turn things around? Did your L talk about any strategies you can use to slow things down legally?
Remember that consistency is the most important thing in your 180's. Very hard, but you must be consistent with your behavior to make the changes believable. Little backslides can wipe out tons of hard won advances.
I have a problem with talking too much. I *like* to tell my W how I'm feeling, I like to tell her how much I love her. I like having R talks, and my W does not. I can appreciate how difficult it is to suppress this urge, sometimes you just want it out. Keep working on it, by now you've probably seen that explaining your feelings and point of view has either no impact, or the opposite impact. That's a hard lesson to internalize, but one we need to learn.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I haven't retained a L yet - if we do go that route I would rather go through mediation and then have a L review and sign-off on the paperwork.
I'm going to add more gas to the fire - I know another backslide - god I hate myself.
Work situation is tenuous (and W knows this) - we're a small company and have lost a couple of major clients, in addition this whole sitch has not helped my focus at work.
So last night - I asked my W if she would consider holding off visiting the lawyer on the 15th until after the holidays. 1. So that I can focus on getting a new job 2. So that she can start looking to decide what she wants to do long-term re: work. 3. So that we can focus on the holidays and girl's birthdays (both in Dec) - in a state of peace without the additional stress.
She said "She can't do that - she wants to move forward with her life and that this would just delay everything". I said I understood that she wants to move forward and that she should do what she feels is best. End of conversation.
She gave me a peck on the lips before going to bed - I stayed up and watched football.
M47 W45 D10 (Has CP) D7 M12 T14 ILYBINILWY 5/1/11 Asked for seperation 5/10/11 Seriously DBing 7/1/11 W admitted to 2 EA's on 11/3/11. Evidence of PA 11/5/11 - Definite evidence of PA 11/20/11 D - Final 7/11/12
I haven't retained a L yet - if we do go that route I would rather go through mediation and then have a L review and sign-off on the paperwork.
NO...see the lawyer FIRST AND THEN GO TO MEDIATION..so you enter it knowing your rights in advance
and do not appear to agree to something only to "change your mind" after, when you speak to a L...you'd be surprised at how many mediators do NOT know the law...and how many Ls suggest mediation once you Do know the law...
I'm going to add more gas to the fire - I know another backslide - god I hate myself.
Work situation is tenuous (and W knows this) - we're a small company and have lost a couple of major clients, in addition this whole sitch has not helped my focus at work.
So last night - I asked my W if she would consider holding off visiting the lawyer on the 15th until after the holidays. 1. So that I can focus on getting a new job 2. So that she can start looking to decide what she wants to do long-term re: work. 3. So that we can focus on the holidays and girl's birthdays (both in Dec) - in a state of peace without the additional stress.
She said "She can't do that - she wants to move forward with her life and that this would just delay everything". I said I understood that she wants to move forward and that she should do what she feels is best. End of conversation.
She gave me a peck on the lips before going to bed - I stayed up and watched football.
well thank God for her clarity!
See a L and get your ducks in a row. And re read Telemark's advice. IMO his wife pushed the pedal to the floor so hard that only towards the end did she rethink things...
and your w may be doing the same thing. But YOU will benefit by Telemark's advice b/c you won't keep challenging her choices and forcing her to cement them....Right??
you won't keep pressuring her to back off, which backfires every time, right?????
you'll let her discover things on her own rather than shoving them in her face,
right????
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
NO...see the lawyer FIRST AND THEN GO TO MEDIATION..so you enter it knowing your rights in advance
Ok will see a L first.
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well thank God for her clarity!
Not sure what this means - except she's being clear and I'm an idiot
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But YOU will benefit by Telemark's advice b/c you won't keep challenging her choices and forcing her to cement them....Right??
Right - I was trying to buy time which has obviously backfired.
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you won't keep pressuring her to back off, which backfires every time, right?????
Right
M47 W45 D10 (Has CP) D7 M12 T14 ILYBINILWY 5/1/11 Asked for seperation 5/10/11 Seriously DBing 7/1/11 W admitted to 2 EA's on 11/3/11. Evidence of PA 11/5/11 - Definite evidence of PA 11/20/11 D - Final 7/11/12
First, and of the utmost importance: stop beating yourself up. You are not here single-handedly. Your W contributed to the demise of your marriage, too. And she owns 100% of the poor choices she has been making.
Second: I cannot stress enough how important it is for you to back off. I should condense and re-post my entire situation as a sticky titled "What not to do." I snooped. I initiated R talks. I could not let go until it was too late. If you don't listen to me, listen to 25. She has your situation and your reactions to it dialed in.
Every time you try to interact with your W about your marriage or the impending divorce it is like nails on the chalkboard to her. She does not care about your feelings, your pain, your financial and employment difficulties...she only cares about her own happiness.
The phrase "trying to push a rope up a hill" applies to many on this board who are doing just that, and they - we - are all getting the same results.
Our WAS's did not come to these decisions overnight. Many of them have been planning their exit strategies for months or even years, and once they make that decision to leave it is overdrive right out of the gate.
There is a new post today by Punchy titled "Time to Move On With My Life". Read it. It is sobering but very real, and unfortunately could be the script for nearly everyone here. As he points out, by the time we LBS's see the impending crisis and start to change, it is usually too late.
Am I suggesting you give up? No; that is a decision only you can make. I am saying that you need to put this away for now and look to yourself and your children. They need you. Your W does not. If she decides she has make a big mistake and wants to try to work through this, she will let you know.
Be a rock for your children and for yourself.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Peter listen to them. I did the same thing until middle of September and she kept getting angrier. For the past 7 weeks I kept busy, go to my IC, go to a divorce care group, call people, I do things around the house. I hang with my D more. I walk 3 miles during work hrs. My W has since been nicer, we even ate breakfast 2 days in a row this week, she hasn't done that in a while. I had a desperate day yesterday but I got 2x4s and it help to calm me down. I also live with my W but I stay out of her way and only talk about our D14 or very superficial stuff. She now even answers if I ask a question. Some positives but this will take a long time. TM is right our WAS have been thinking for a while that they wanted out. So back off if you want to save this. Hang in there
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Thanks for the posts - in particular the reference to Punchy's post. Almost describes my and many other's situation here to a T.
I only hope it's not too late - unfortunately I agree with Punchy most WAW's are gone before we even try.
For any newcomers on here - read my posts and do the exact opposite.
I've received a lot of good advice on here - unfortunately I've been unable to follow alot of it.
M47 W45 D10 (Has CP) D7 M12 T14 ILYBINILWY 5/1/11 Asked for seperation 5/10/11 Seriously DBing 7/1/11 W admitted to 2 EA's on 11/3/11. Evidence of PA 11/5/11 - Definite evidence of PA 11/20/11 D - Final 7/11/12
Quick journal : I came home from work, D9 has a haircut, apparently done by W's divorcee friend grrrrrrrrrr.... I read D9 stories and put her to bed. D9 always says "hug" as you lay her down - for some reason I started getting teary and had to recompose myself before coming out of her bedroom.
D6 had some shattering news (well to a 6 year old) - the little girl across the street (her best friend) is moving to San Francisco - she was so tearful all night and we did our best to comfort her before she went to bed.
W and I talked for a while - general chit-chat, she told me that the divorcee was planning a girls night out - I feigned interest but to be honest every time I hear her name I just want to shut it all out.
She then said D6 has abandonment issues (One school friend and another neighbour have moved recently). I wanted to scream - what's she going to be like when I'm forced to relinquish my role as a full-time parent! I said nothing except that D6 will work it all out and she'll make new friends.
W watching her shows - I have no interest in them (well I would try to show interest - but what's the point, she didn't ask me to join her and they aren't the sort of things I would normally watch).
Not sure if W was trying to provoke a reaction out of me - if she was she didn't get one.
M47 W45 D10 (Has CP) D7 M12 T14 ILYBINILWY 5/1/11 Asked for seperation 5/10/11 Seriously DBing 7/1/11 W admitted to 2 EA's on 11/3/11. Evidence of PA 11/5/11 - Definite evidence of PA 11/20/11 D - Final 7/11/12
Quick journal : I came home from work, D9 has a haircut, apparently done by W's divorcee friend grrrrrrrrrr.... I read D9 stories and put her to bed. D9 always says "hug" as you lay her down - for some reason I started getting teary and had to recompose myself before coming out of her bedroom.
D6 had some shattering news (well to a 6 year old) - the little girl across the street (her best friend) is moving to San Francisco - she was so tearful all night and we did our best to comfort her before she went to bed.
W and I talked for a while - general chit-chat, she told me that the divorcee was planning a girls night out - I feigned interest but to be honest every time I hear her name I just want to shut it all out.
She then said D6 has abandonment issues (One school friend and another neighbour have moved recently). I wanted to scream - what's she going to be like when I'm forced to relinquish my role as a full-time parent! I said nothing except that D6 will work it all out and she'll make new friends.
just curious...why'd you minimize the suffering of your d? You ended up validating the rationalizations your w makes to herself...interesting...
maybe a need to "fix" is something you can stop doing...you know, "fix that urge to fix"?...
W watching her shows - I have no interest in them (well I would try to show interest - but what's the point, she didn't ask me to join her and they aren't the sort of things I would normally watch). She has to invite you to watch TV in your home? Come on....hey, if the shows are on, why not stay & try to enjoy them? If you hate them, fine leave.
But if not, why not spend some time in the same room without conflict?
Build on that...baby steps...
Not sure if W was trying to provoke a reaction out of me - if she was she didn't get one.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
maybe a need to "fix" is something you can stop doing...you know, "fix that urge to fix"?...
I am a fixer by nature - If I see something broken I try to fix it, that's why I find DBing so hard...
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She has to invite you to watch TV in your home? Come on....
No - but she or I in the past would often say, I'm watching XYZ tonight - is that ok with you or is there something else you want to watch?
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If you hate them, fine leave.
Hate is a strong word - but I wouldn't chose to watch them myself. So I did leave, watched a couple of Curb Your Enthusiasm episodes in the spare room.
Soccer and staying in the city tonight - won't see the W & girls until Thurs night.
M47 W45 D10 (Has CP) D7 M12 T14 ILYBINILWY 5/1/11 Asked for seperation 5/10/11 Seriously DBing 7/1/11 W admitted to 2 EA's on 11/3/11. Evidence of PA 11/5/11 - Definite evidence of PA 11/20/11 D - Final 7/11/12
