Telemark I saw you disagreed with my comment about dysfunctional couples attracted together based on the fact that your W left. I'm by no means saying you are the dysfuntional one.
This model explains how people with similar levels of dysfunction go from dating to actually marrying.
Once you marry the dynamics change and you both enter under a different set of rules, now you must find happiness with your spouse. Some NG's will stay with terrible spouses out of their own insecurities. The same goes for women in abusive relationships. Your wife on the other hand was never able to self soothe, and expected you to do it for her. When you weren't completely there for her as she wanted, she seeked someone else to enable her.
The reason I brought all this up is because it explains why her choice in OM was so poor. Its also a silver lining since it means that with all your experience your chances of ending with a similar sitch are slimmer now
