wife won't admit PA with OM

[25yearsmlc]

Jake

IF you believe that a PA will absolutely END the m for you, then snoop away and get a L and divorce. Not complicated....

(also not what I suggest and NOT DBing)

but if it's really really true and you know it and you can't/won't change that...then snoop away and END the m if it's true.

But IF a PA isn't in and of itself the end all to the marriage, then there simply is No reason to snoop.

And UNLIKE Greenblue, I'd operate under the assumption that there WAS NO PA unless I'm confronted with proof of it...

b/c I don't need that pain if there's no proof AND IF I'm trying to stay married....and not go nuts....

Jake
I think you need to stop stressing about whether it happened or not. If you can't let it go just assume she did.

Obviously I disagree with this^^^ for the aforementioned reasons...YES I agree with the "let it go" part.

But you are Not as likely to let go of the obsessing, if you assume a PA.

And with that negative assumption, I think you

seem to make a bunch of others...

(such as assuming they're having great perfect Best sex ALL the time b/c he can go on and on, AND he reads her mind AND her heart and they have ALL things in common, all their tastes are identical YET they "complement each other"...and HE has NO flaws, and he brings out the best in her and blah blah blah....IMPOSSIBLE!!! NOT REALISTIC Jake...)

Since your snooping is so extreme, my guess is that assuming she has had an affair will NOT work for you...

but hey, you tell us.

What's your goal here? You want to be married to her even if means you face some ugly things about her AND ABOUT YOU, and the marriage?


Even if it means you have to let go of her "shortcomings" AND she has to let go of yours?

And you have to work on yourself and your M? THEN do you want to be married to her?

I'm here to tell you that MOST days, the efforts are worth it. But not every day.

There are benefits I see & feel, and that I don't see but I realize they exist.

Like hearing our d14 tell her friends something she and her dad did together that would not have happened if we were divorced...and the mere fact we are together says something to my kids that I HOPE helps them in life...

but I also get benefits too, obviously. Yes we laugh again, and we trust again. We've been through something and seem to have gotten to the other side.

I KNOW that life will again throw us a curve ball, like his mother's death did. I don't think I could have managed to do it if we had not gotten to a good place in our marriage AND H would not have been able to express his gratitude, I think, if he'd been riddled with guilt or anger from his MLC, instead of us having processed it all.

And life will give us more curveballs b/c that's what life does.

Good things happen every day if you look, BUT there will also be sadness, grief, setbacks, accidents, injuries, illness & frustration again.

I'm glad we have tools we didn't have before AND that I know it's possible to get to the other side of a sad time...YES It IS possible to get there.


I mean will it change your response whether she did or not? Will you walk out on the M?

Seriously based on all your evidence I think you should just assume she did. See if you can handle the thought.

The way your W sounds she will never come clean about what really happened.

GB why even speculate this way? I don't get it. Where's the value in projecting this? It fuels all his worst fears AND he already had a HUGE problem with painful obessing AND futurizing AND snooping....and

THIS is in the future so it is NOT even knowable AND it's all negative, AND you state it like it's fact.. I'm surprised by this approach.

When she talked about her sister's affair and how her husband would react she was [b]gauging your reaction. She was waiting for you to say something ridiculous so she could further justify lying to your face.
[/b]
Wow....I'm leery of this much^^^ mind reading, especially the negative type.

But I guess IF you can manage even the worst case scenarios and the torture you inflict on yourself is survivable, it's useful info to have. But you could figure it out without all that pain I think... B/C it's also potentially needless self inflicted torture.

(GB, seriously are you sure no projecting is happening here??? Good grief)


I think your w could just as well be internally conflicted as hell about what She and her sister are doing...

MAYBE she's trying to figure out where SHE is on the spectrum...AND possibly wants to distinguish her situation from her sister's, AND

OR

she is worried that there are too many similarities and she is doing some real instrospection, and OR she worries what others will think of HER actions based in part on what they say about her sister


AND OR she is gauging whether you are the forgiving type, by how you characterize her sister.

Are you judging her sister harshly, with concern about future regret, dismissing her curtly, mocking or condemning or sympathizing or what??

IF your wife does not believe you can forgive an affair and
IF she has had one, then like I said, it's over...

And IF she does NOT believe that marriage to you can be better/different

then it's over...

So...what do you want? And what are YOU DOING to help with this^^^ stuff??



Look the truth is simple she has lied to you in the past, so you don't trust her. No surprise.

um...Not so simple to me...

Jake (and GB for that matter)

Have you ALWAYS TOLD HER THE 100% TRUTH?? REALLY? All the time? Even about work issues, and your family? And friend's lives? ALL THE TIME ALL THE TRUTH??? That's very very rare...

Jake, I take issue with this...and

GB, no offense b/c I know you have well intended advice and you've read a lot, but this is a tad too black and white for me, but maybe that's b/c I've been m now for 30 years...


Why are you trying so hard.


um, b/c he wants to be married AND happy...or so I think. GB, given what your story is, what does this question even mean?

YOU GB have put up with a lot of stuff others would not, and yet here you are asking Jake why he's trying so hard...what??

No matter what she says it'll probably never quell your suspicions or fears. So accept it, she most likely had sex with him. How does reading that make you feel?


WOW...the ONLY VALUE this 'worst case scenario assumption'^^^ MAY have, is if you discover you could not handle it

...but if it's still unclear to you OR If you still want to make things work,

why make it harder on YOURSELF, by assuming the worst???

(and why repeatedly insist on that, GB?)

What will you do now? Dwell on something you have no control over, because it is in the past?

Jake Can you go "from this day forward" or not?

it's interesting that those words are in most marriage vows.

You can't hold onto the past AND be happy. Be here now...be in the moment.

To do that, you'll need to really work on and

Read up on Forgiveness- it's not easy to do

BUT IT IS mandatory to a happy marriage.

You cannot be happily married AND hold onto this pain and anger and neither can she.

And trust me, SHE has pain and anger that somehow justified her behavior.

What are YOU working on in YOU?