I just went onto that forum - pretty hardcore and almost the opposite of what folks here recommend.
I will read the book - it's on my list, I certainly avoid confrontation OR react immediately without thinking of the consequences.
M47 W45 D10 (Has CP) D7 M12 T14 ILYBINILWY 5/1/11 Asked for seperation 5/10/11 Seriously DBing 7/1/11 W admitted to 2 EA's on 11/3/11. Evidence of PA 11/5/11 - Definite evidence of PA 11/20/11 D - Final 7/11/12
I too read that book and found it to be the story of my life. Almost every aspect of that book was true for me. It has helped me start to really think about being a much more assertive and genuine man in whatever R comes next for me.
Strangely, it seems that the nice guy is becoming a much more prevalent person these days. Where have all the "men" gone?
That makes sense. The OM is a tattooed Army vet who supposedly was once a bounty hunter. Has the guns, the Harley, loves any sports team from NY (as does my W) and is probably fueling her MLC-I-don't-want-to-get-old desires.
And that is all somewhat ironic. I like motorcycles - even bought one earlier this year- and I've owned guns since I was 9. I sold them when I married W because I did not want them in the house with her autistic son there. I enjoy a good football or baseball game, but I'm not a rabid fan. I can remodel a house top to bottom, wire and plumb it and then furnish it to the nine's. I started to teach myself how to cook (my specialty is chicken whatisthisstuff...ask DG...) And I never missed the opportunity to tell her how talented, smart, funny and beautiful I thought she was.
I recently read a quote somewhere that some of the greatest failures occur when people are so close to success. Tel, fyi--if these traits of yours^^^ are true, I know you write well and are intelligent/articulate....SO
If you weigh less than 400lbs and have a sense of humor, you ARE perfection...
I have accepted the impending divorce and the fact that she is gone from my life. I have accepted my part in the problems we had. I have been working on my demons and my "nice guy" traits and slaying them one by one. I am starting to feel comfortable in my own skin.
It's a shame that my W chose dishonesty and infidelity over hard work and self-inspection. She will never know the person I am becoming.
Indeed it is a shame...
I'm betting your w's loss is going to be someone else's gain, if you let it.
Don't lose those good traits to bitterness, which I suspect you'll manage well.
And you will tell us in a year or two, or three...that you are truly happier in your new life than you could or would have been
if she had not left.
Sounds weird, but after all the crazy stuff she went through
(SOME of which I think was due to her son's autism and for that, I feel bad for all concerned)
she would not have been easy on you in the long run, without a lot of work on herself that she was unwilling or unable to do.
You are a good man, Telemark...stay that way.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Telemark I saw you disagreed with my comment about dysfunctional couples attracted together based on the fact that your W left. I'm by no means saying you are the dysfuntional one.
This model explains how people with similar levels of dysfunction go from dating to actually marrying.
Once you marry the dynamics change and you both enter under a different set of rules, now you must find happiness with your spouse. Some NG's will stay with terrible spouses out of their own insecurities. The same goes for women in abusive relationships. Your wife on the other hand was never able to self soothe, and expected you to do it for her. When you weren't completely there for her as she wanted, she seeked someone else to enable her.
The reason I brought all this up is because it explains why her choice in OM was so poor. Its also a silver lining since it means that with all your experience your chances of ending with a similar sitch are slimmer now
Rick1963: Unfortunately that describes a lot of men who are basically good men, but became lost in their need to be accepted and loved. The "sensitive man" model evolved from a lot of misguided ideas, and while it was supposed to be more attractive to others - especially women - it had the opposite effect. westcoastfella: Indeed, where have all the "men" gone? My father was a part of "The Greatest Generation"; those men and women who were born in the 20's and 30's, served their country with honor in WWII and Korea and understood the meaning of loyalty, integrity and honor. He was a strong, hard working, hard playing and hard drinking sonofabitch (his own words) who lived life to its fullest and was a man's man. I like to think that the new generation, like my son and Gunny's son, will start to echo some of those traits.
25: You are good for my soul, my dear. I am far from perfection, though...just ask my wife (insert rim-shot here). Yes, what I wrote is true, I'm in the best shape I've ever been in and a sense of humor is mandatory for surviving life. My point was not to puff myself up, but to air out my bewilderment about my W's poor choices. But I suppose that I will never really know what drove her to this, other than her claims of constant unhappiness. I do look forward to the day when I can have someone in my life again; someone who is mentally and emotionally healthy and has the confidence in herself to just be herself without pretense. gb90: I see what you were saying; thanks for clearing that up. Yes, we were two broken people trying to fix each other, and that never works. My W has admitted she could never reveal her true self to anyone because she has such a feeling of self-criticism. When we had our first R talk after she dropped the bomb she again told me this, insisted she never felt any intimacy with me but felt like she found "true intimacy" with the OM. When I heard this I was devastated, and that stayed with me for a long time. Now I see that it was not my responsibility to "make her happy"; she has to do that on her own. But she can't; and she will continue to expect others to do that for her.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Hello Telemark, you don't know me, I've been reading here most of this year. But, I'd be less than a man if I didn't let you know that you helped me man.
You should know that your fealty to the Name in the midst of your agony bore fruit in another man's agony. I don't mean that in some histrionic or emotional sense; but the essence of it: the struggle to overcome.
You sure got that right on the humor.. When the bomb {"We can talk in a year.. I'll probably be in North Carolina}
turned the air to vacuum and I imploded.. but caught myself just enough to mock an unsteady smile and say, "Sorry honey, I thought purty grils like sloppy drunks.."
gotta be able to laugh at the absurdity of the human condition sometimes.. and just try and say it like it is..
That makes sense. The OM is a tattooed Army vet who supposedly was once a bounty hunter. Has the guns, the Harley, loves any sports team from NY (as does my W) and is probably fueling her MLC-I-don't-want-to-get-old desires.
And that is all somewhat ironic. I like motorcycles - even bought one earlier this year- and I've owned guns since I was 9. I sold them when I married W because I did not want them in the house with her autistic son there. I enjoy a good football or baseball game, but I'm not a rabid fan. I can remodel a house top to bottom, wire and plumb it and then furnish it to the nine's. I started to teach myself how to cook (my specialty is chicken whatisthisstuff...ask DG...) And I never missed the opportunity to tell her how talented, smart, funny and beautiful I thought she was.
I recently read a quote somewhere that some of the greatest failures occur when people are so close to success. Tel, fyi--if these traits of yours^^^ are true, I know you write well and are intelligent/articulate....SO
If you weigh less than 400lbs and have a sense of humor, you ARE perfection...
I have accepted the impending divorce and the fact that she is gone from my life. I have accepted my part in the problems we had. I have been working on my demons and my "nice guy" traits and slaying them one by one. I am starting to feel comfortable in my own skin.
It's a shame that my W chose dishonesty and infidelity over hard work and self-inspection. She will never know the person I am becoming.
Indeed it is a shame...
I'm betting your w's loss is going to be someone else's gain, if you let it.
Don't lose those good traits to bitterness, which I suspect you'll manage well.
And you will tell us in a year or two, or three...that you are truly happier in your new life than you could or would have been
if she had not left.
Sounds weird, but after all the crazy stuff she went through
(SOME of which I think was due to her son's autism and for that, I feel bad for all concerned)
she would not have been easy on you in the long run, without a lot of work on herself that she was unwilling or unable to do.
You are a good man, Telemark...stay that way.
I couldn't have said it better myself. Big Texas hug to my favorite Yankee...lc4
Thought I would check in this morning to see what's going on...in the first few pages I see:
"I need advice for dealing with a WAW." "A fork in the road-EA admitted by wife" "Help with WAW" "WAW in Los Angeles" "After one year of separation, wife wants divorce." "Youngster questions reality, WAW moves on..." "Wife just told me she doesn't want to be married." "W told me she is done and doesn't love me anymore." "Wife won't admit PA with OM"
I'm not ignoring the situations on this forum of husbands walking out on their marriages, but it appears to me that there is a growing number of wives walking out.
I read last week that over 2/3 of the divorces filed are by women.
Not even sure what to say about these observations of the state of today's marriages. Feel free to discuss among yourselves; meanwhile I'm going to find some Jameson's to put into my morning coffee.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
