Well my journey has come to somewhat of an end. My wife has decided she wants a divorce and has met with a lawyer. I was ready to have the crap or got off the pot anyway as she has basically left me in the dark this whole time and really never showed any signs of wanting to come back or changing through this. If anything she has become a completely different person and lifestyle that I'm really not sure I think I want to live with. After more reflection I have realized my wife has never really known what makes her happy and she is always looking for the next thing to make her happy but she will never find it. I told her that you have to decide to be happy on your own just as love is a decision.
I really don't think my wife realizes the consequences of her decision as she really can't see past her nose right now. I really do think she will go through this new set of friends and will go another set of friends in the future as she continues her lost cause of happiness. She will take her bad communication skills with her to the next relationship along with the other issues that she really didn't address. I don't know what to say other than I don't think I could ever trust her if I did stay with her as it has been constant lies about finances, interaction with men (even a incident 3 years ago), and just a lack of character that many have noted. She has never really put her spouse first when making her decisions and thats just not how I think a marriage should work as I have always tried to put her first in my decisions.
I really do feel like I deserve better that loves (my wife even said that) and has a family that is not broken and torn apart. I did everything I could to keep this thing together but she put forth no effort and has continued her poor behavior with the last being a skanky costume for a Halloween party she went to. Come on, what am I suppose to do with that. I was taking my son to a family party while she was at this party even though it was her day with my son. Halloween was my day even though she thought it was hers after having my son for a week after changing the whole schedule up. Choosing a Halloween party over having my son is just a sign of many signs of what her priorities are. She has showed no care for me through this whole thing and at this point I think she has for sure had a EA if not PA. Many of her family are lost by it and my family is disgusted/lost by it. My wife loved our nieces/nephew so much and now she could care less. My wife has no nieces or nephews other then step ones that are really not family at this point. My son has no family ties to her family when it comes to kids which is why I wanted him so bad for Halloween as he had such a great time with his cousins that he knows.
It is truly sad that it has come to this by I can't change her decision and I don't think I want to considering that path she is headed down. I know this is the divorce busting forum but I think my wife had her mind up from the get go and just was giving it sometime to see if it felt right to her and apparently it does to her. My son is the victim of this selfish decision but she does not care and has been cake eating during this time. I will be the best dad I can be and love my S more than ever. My W is following in her father's footsteps exactly and the mother side of her family agrees and feels that she will continue down that path unfortunately. I get to babysit my son and W now depending on how her behavior turns out. I pray to God for strength and help in this situation. I have come to terms with it and am past the pain part of it.
What do you all think?
Me:29 W:28 S:2 M: 5 years Bomb: 7-26-11 Separated: 8-20-11 EA w/ multiple OMs W filed 1/2012
Snowman, there's one thing to understand that the LBS only comes to realize at this moment...
It ain't over, yet... whether you were to file, or your W files...
It ain't over...
So buckle up and keep your personal growth going...
Because no D is done fast... which means you risk getting back on the roller coaster... do nothing out of anger, just detach and whatever comes (and that's the hard part) will come as it does...
Deal with your emotions in a positive way... take care of yourself...
I myself am going through a rought time .My wife and i had problems early this year and she wanted a divorce ..I fought and fought and changed my bad habits but this just didnt seem to work , i moved out for 2 weeks till one day she called and admitted an affair she had that went to far ...i was crushed and still am ..we then worked on our marriage but was really hell and back that she has now opted for a divorce ...this is really crushing to me as i forgave and put my whole self back in to work on our problems ...the one prob is she still misses this person in all the good feelings and how this made her feel ..we have not divorced yet but sleeping in separate bedrooms now ...all i can say is you not alone my friend ...we can only rely on GOD to show us the way and not lay down ...
I myself am going through a rought time .My wife and i had problems early this year and she wanted a divorce ..I fought and fought and changed my bad habits but this just didnt seem to work , i moved out for 2 weeks till one day she called and admitted an affair she had that went to far ...i was crushed and still am ..we then worked on our marriage but was really hell and back that she has now opted for a divorce ...this is really crushing to me as i forgave and put my whole self back in to work on our problems ...the one prob is she still misses this person in all the good feelings and how this made her feel ..we have not divorced yet but sleeping in separate bedrooms now ...all i can say is you not alone my friend ...we can only rely on GOD to show us the way and not lay down ...
Well Snowman, I feel your pain. Your sitch sounds almost exactly like mine. A good friend of mine keeps telling me, "it ain't over til it's over" and he's right. Just as in my case, we've got the lawyers and our D seems imminent, but I still have hope. And even if or when the D happens, I still have hope. Days, weeks, or even months after the D, I will likely have hope. I don't know when the hope will stop, but I know that someday it probably will, but until that time, I still have hope.
Me36, W38 S12, S3 T20, M4 Bomb dropped 8/18/11 Moved out 8/18/11 Filed for D 10/20/11 OM Confirmed 11/5/11
Well I told my wife how I really feel and how everyone else feels about her decision and actions. I explained all the pain and suffering that she has caused everyone and how she has acted like nothing has even happened. I also explained how she ripped my heart out and crushed it. Everyone has been saying how self centered and selfish she has been on both sides of her family which I let her know. I told her it [censored] that all of us have to pay for her decision. I let her know that it is her fault because she made the decision and everyone thinks that.
She said thank you for turning everyone against me. That only makes me not want to work things out. It just goes to show you don't get how I feel or think I should feel the way I do. There is a reason for my feelings and this just shows you will never get me or how I feel about things. I do get what I am doing. I am actually doing something for me because its what I want and not what everyone or the church thinks i should do.
I said: I'm confused. Your family reached out to me. I didn't have to say anything to them, they shared their opinions with me. My family is the one that said you are not bipolar just so you know. I wanted to work things out but you showed no sign of wanting to. The church has nothing to so with this. People told me what they thought not the other way around. I loved you with all my heart but you rejected that. I have not pushed the church on you nor my family.
Wow, my W thinks she could just do whatever she wants and no one would notice or think poorly of her. She is delusional. Everyone involved with this situation formed their own opinions because they are adults and can do so. My W can't even explain how she feels and what beef she has against the church we belong to. She needs to grow up and say what she wants. If that is things that go against our church beliefs then tell me or if there is a true reason for her feelings then tell me. He actions so far have not shown she cares about anything or anyone.
I'm not going to sit in limbo while she does whatever she wants and eats her cake. She has killed all my trust and many others. If she wants a different lifestyle then she needs to explain what that is. She has run from her problems since 18 and she will continue to do so. I'm not dealing with this anymore nor can she just show up whenever she wants at the house like it is a storage unit or something. Many my W has lost touch with reality, seriously. She applies for school right in the middle of our supposed divorce and asks for W2's for scholarship things and I think really are we going to be married next year because I don't get it. She is crazy.
Me:29 W:28 S:2 M: 5 years Bomb: 7-26-11 Separated: 8-20-11 EA w/ multiple OMs W filed 1/2012
You will get absolutely nowhere by telling her how she is so wrong, crazy and delusional. You can see that by the response she gave.
2) Don't try to get others on side to bolster what you think she had done to you. If she is attacked from all sides, she will dig in even deeper, as she says, you can't understand how she feels or what brought her to this.
3) Whatever she does is just fine, as far as your reaction to her is concerned. I think you need to backtrack and tell her that you have carefully considered what she has said and you can now see how you have been insensitive and uncaring. Vow that anything she does or says now is just fine with you and you will support. Agree with ANYTHING she says, no matter how it might stick in your throat. Back off a bit and give her time to think.
Ok, I'm still here. I know I had a major backslide moment in my last post but I just got to the point of ultimate frustration which I think we all get to at one point or another. I felt like our house was just a storage unit for my W to visit as she pleases. Every time I would see her it causes pain. I know it was not the right thing to do but my true emotions got the better of me. It is hard when your W is acting so selfish, partying, and doing basically whatever she wants with no care for her family or others.
Anyway I think my W's comments in her text are revealing to me. I think she wants to drink now for good and feels to much religious pressure. She has not come out and said she wants to drink now and doesn't want to be a part of our religion anymore. I wish she could just say it but I will let her figure that out. I think my wife feels controlled from various aspects of her life. She seems very lost and looking for happiness in her single friends and lifestyle. My W has been trying to find happiness in doing or buying things and doesn't realize that happiness is a decision and the things we do or buy only provide fun or temporary happiness. You can do fun things or buy things and still be unhappy. I can't help her with that although I would like to.
I think I'm going to send an email to my wife tomorrow expressing that it I'm ok with casual drinking and understand the religious pressure and I don't want her to do things because of what our religion says. I'm also going to express that I want to support her in her school endeavors and other goals in life but I would like to do it together. I will focus the positive things that I love that she does and express that I am vulnerable to her and she really does have more control over me than she knows. I'm not sure of all the exact details of my message but it will be one of support and focus on the positive.
My W said she wants a divorce and claimed she talked to a lawyer but I still don't think she is ready to take action in that regard. I meant with my lawyer to discuss things but I will probably not take action unless my W does. My W says she wants to do a stipulation for our divorce which is one of the most amenable ways to do things but until I see the document we will probably continue to live this separated and in limbo life.
I have to say that my love for her is down to it lowest level yet and I hardly have much left. It is hard to be the LBS that waits while your S wanders through the world looking for what they want. A friend made a good comment to me about the whole single scene that she is now hanging out with and that is that most the people she is hanging out with are looking for what she already has, she just doesn't know it.
I hope my W can figure out what she wants and is able to share it with me. I want to be and am working on being the better man that I am. I know I can be more supportive and less controlling but only if she lets me. I have done that so far and hope to in the future.
Keep up the support for me no matter where this goes.
Me:29 W:28 S:2 M: 5 years Bomb: 7-26-11 Separated: 8-20-11 EA w/ multiple OMs W filed 1/2012
Your planned email sounds like you are giving her your permission to do things. Not sure that is good. Draft it up and post it here BEFORE sending it. Then you will get some guidance from the good people here who know. I don't and I am still in limbo land waiting to see what happens.
