Living with groundlessness

[AntoniaB]

So XH and I are actually still talking via email...about the cat who died, and also I've finally offered to give him cds that are more "his" than mine. I just feel like I need to get some of this stuff out of the house. He's not waking up in any kind of near history if ever, and I'm not going to keep carrying a torch for a dead man, so to speak, and having the stuff here makes it feel like I'm "waiting." He's said he might be able to help financially with the cats' expenses, since I was hit really hard this past week (1100.00 bucks on 3 of them that were once "his"). If he does he does, if he doesn't, I'll have a giant ccard bill. Won't be the first time that has happened.

You know I can almost see a way to get him back....if I wanted it. Be his friend. Be his friend to the point where I accept OW.

But there is a part of me now and only now that says you know, maybe there is a man out there who will actually treat you better. Maybe there is a man who will not betray you or try to blame you when he is the one who is a mess (for the most part). I keep thinking of something Eric once said to me, "Do you want a man to pursue YOU?" Well...yeah. I do. And he's just not that man.

I looked through a lot of videos y-day trying to find the last best ones of our cat, and I was hit pretty hard in seeing video of he and I on vacation in just 2009, a mere months before bomb drop #1, and he looks and acts like he is PERFECTLY HAPPY AND CONTENT. He's lying on the couch watching tv in a place we are renting, casually talking to me, smiling, and I'm in the background talking to him, videotaping the place we stayed, talking to the 2 cats we took with us. There is no evidence that this man is hiding anything from me. I mean nothing in the body language but calm and happy. And the pictures, there are tons of pics, showing a perfectly happy couple. I agree I wasn't happy inside with myself. But I was happy with "us." I think all this man did was get so unhappy with himself that he conflating it with the marriage problems, which were THERE, but which were NOT insurmountable, they amounted to growing pains that lots of people get through.

And he bailed and you know the story.

I am starting to wonder if the world is filled with 2 kinds of people. Those who bail and those who don't. And maybe for a lot of us we marry not knowing which type we marry because we haven't been "tested" as a couple or even as an individual.

Then life throws a curve ball, and some people fight, and some run. And we married the runners. We're hoping and praying that they CONVERT and become the type who fight instead of "flight", but maybe we are facing a lost cause, in many cases. Maybe it's just not in them. Who was the last success story here in terms of DBing the marriage? J3B? Just curious.

I am very happy with the success stories here for individuals, but I'm trying to be realistic...chances of these people changing are slim.

You know to me one of the greatest injustices is that XH accused me up and down of not being a fighter or independent, saying I was needy, saying that OW was all these things I am not. I can tell you with 100% certainty, she is not half the fighter I am, nor is he, nor are they together. Nor are either of them "independent" by a long shot.

It is BRUTAL being alone in this house for nearly 2 years. It is BRUTAL having only acquaintances in the area and spending all my time alone but for work hours or time on the internet talking to you guys or friends elsewhere. It is BRUTAL having no one here to hold my hand or just "exist" in the same space, day after day. It is BRUTAL to have no one to come home to but cats who mostly sleep. I mean the list of what's brutal goes on.

But somehow I'm the weak and needy one. GOOD LORD I deserve better than the person my XH has become.