wife won't admit PA with OM

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=jake999]Wow, this is already filled with really good advice, thank you so much.

I completely agree that my focus needs to be on fixing the problems that caused all of this in the first place. I have been putting full effort into everything that is coming out of the MC sessions and honestly doing my best while ignoring her shortcomings for now and just being glad that she is willing to work on things.

really?
B/c it sure seems like THE MOST effort at snooping that I have ever seen on this site...and given the number of posts I've made and the years I've been here, that is saying A LOT...

imo, you snoop way too much for a healthy m to exist....

and as for "ignoring her shortcomings"...um, while YOU are the one posting here, we are NOT interested in HER shortcomings b/c you are the one here trying to save a marriage.

If your real interest is in being declared "right", then this is not the place...

but if your real interest is in WORKING ON YOU and YOU ONLY....then this is the place to be.

Have zero expectations of her at this time. It's ALL about YOU working on YOU and your flaws and shortcomings...NOT hers.



She is also doing some of the things the MC is suggesting.

& what are YOU doing?

I don't want to admit it but I know you all are right about not obsessing over the OM and possible PA. If it's in the best interest of the relationship to not focus on getting info out of her about that for now then I will definitely follow that advice.

it IS in the best interest of the marriage to work oN YOU ONLY and remove the underlying causes of why she'd want an A....

what's with glossing over those "legit issues" and spending most of your post on your "proof" of her wrongdoing?



I don't want to minimize the problems that we are discussing in MC but it's hard for me to accept that they contributed to a PA since in my eyes they are relatively small things that have been going on but are also simple to fix.

I'd bet in her eyes, which are what really matter for this issue, those "small things" add up a lot more than you realize. I'm stunned that you still think your issues were "relatively small"...

in her eyes, she may feel you pushed her into OM's arms...

so own what you need to own as far as this is concerned.

SOME women cheat on great h's...but for the most part, it's not usually that way.

And you have nothing to learn here, if all was well and you were a perfect h.


but do you really honestly believe that? Surely you have room for improvement in some significant way you may have feared really looking at.

Have you read the "Five Love Languages"? I highly recommend it.


I know that she has a female friend that was out of her life for many years and is now back in it that I think is a major negative influence

keep the focus on YOU! Stop deflecting onto others.... b/c YOU are all you can control in this...the rest of the "what if"s are all a waste of your precious energy and time...



because the friend started hooking up with random guys from dating websites... so I think a combination of that influence and the issues we had is what led to the PA.

um, okay whatever....

hey sorry--I know you are in pain

but your focus is so skewed you will get nowhere fast unless you focus on something you can change and the ONLY something is YOU


But how in the world do I stop thinking about the PA? It's consuming every minute of my day and even minutes that I should be sleeping.

Put a STOP SIGN in your mind when those thoughts enter your brain...

AND Become the best man YOU can become.

Do the opposite of the things she has complained of,

be a man only a fool would leave, and then

leaving the results up to God...

the obsessing is unhealthy and UNatrractive. It hurts your cause. Learn to let go and start

serious work on Forgiveness

b/c it's not a skill we are born with. It's learned and it's a process and YOU have clearly not truly started it...realize this:

IF SHE believes you won't forgive

OR she believes

you will hold it over her head like the sword of Damacles, OR

you will throw it in her face every time you fight or don't get your way

then she will NOT want this marriage.



I think that the unknown of all of it is worse than the imagery of whatever really happened... since I'm just assuming all the worst in all situations.

I read the DR book a few weeks ago before she was willing to goto the MC and before I confronted her about the OM. I didn't find any specific advice about handling Infidelity in there if it was ongoing or not admitted.

What difference will it make if she admits it? Or denies it? So Unproductive to put your focus on this!...


I think it was mostly strategies for once it's admitted. I will be looking at it again tonight though. There was definitely a lot of good info about fixing all the problems we have that caused all of this to begin with.

Focus on that^^^ and read the DB book again.

Btw, my W's sister is having a PA that my wife has been telling me about. My W continues to mention it in a very negative light and basically says that the H is going to be really mad about it, that her sister is in a lot of trouble when he finds out, and that her sister is definitely wrong for doing it. As I typed that out I thought to myself that if my wife had a PA that she is somehow expressing remorse by telling me about this? Maybe I'm reading too far into it. Thoughts?


Maybe so...or

maybe you need to read that paragraph on forgiveness and see if that applies and might be why it's pointless to ask her.



Also, we were talking last night about my W's friend that is hooking up with the randoms and pregnancy came up bc her friend was worried about it and I said something about how a certain type of protection was only partially effective and my W basically said that she doesn't even know really because she's married so those things aren't even a concern anymore. Again, reading too much into things?

isn't it obvious you are reading WAY too much into things? Seriously....are you being upbeat and fun at all?

Any GAL? Any 180s? What are they? What would your WIFE SAY are the "small" issues you two have?

What are You doing about them?

Argh, make the thoughts and obsessions stop! [/quote

YOU STOP THE THOUGHTS AND OBSESSIONS....and only you can....