Waiting until you got to piecing...my first thought is that you're doing this for him...and
that's not good.
You should have faced those things for you.
Make sure you're doing it for the right reason, those demons are hard enough to face, adding the wrong reason for facing them? Makes a difficult task, almost impossible. (please note: I wrote: almost)
Avoidance will not suit you well in piecing either. Piecing is hard because now you get to find the right way for your corncerns to be addressed as well as listening to and adjusting to his.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Realizing the most difficult part of this journey is before me. I'll need to face some things that I've been avoiding in myself.
If you and your husband are indeed piecing, or just starting too, or you are even thinking you are and now is the time you start facing your demons, or making changes....its going to make piecing that much harder.
Some changes? Some that involve him, you had to wait for. Other's internal? Not so much.
You want some help in piecing? Its free and easy.
My wife needs to have more sex with me. And not get upset when I play video games.
...
Need...its a funny word.
Why does my wife NEED to do that?
How is that different than:
Quote:
He needs to stop assuming I'm against him or telling him what to do when I speak my thoughts out loud.
Maybe you both should work on meeting these wants. When you do speak your thoughts outloud? Let him know what your doing. OR... try not to do it so much.
If it is a button, or something that bugs him, he should just...toughen up? Get used to it? Shouldn't you someone who loves him try to assuage him?
My wife has this habit of speaking aloud also.
"Who left the cabinet door open?"
Well its 11 oclock at night and our boys are asleep. It could have been them. But more than likely it was me. But you know what? It could have been her.
Guys most guys like direct.
"Did you leave the cabinet door open?"
"Yes...I am sorry."
Instead:
"Who left the cabinet door open?"
Now its a game that I don't like playing.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Funny you focus in on the word "need" in my last post. I was thinking I should change it because I had an inclination you would focus in on that. ;-)
ANYWAY.....
H and I had that exact same convo this AM. RE:
"When you do speak your thoughts outloud? Let him know what your doing. OR... try not to do it so much."
If it is a button, or something that bugs him, he should just...toughen up? Get used to it? Shouldn't you [or] someone who loves him try to assuage him?"
It's deeper than that. Example: We are away, we need (oh that word again ;-) ) to print our boarding passes. We tried unsuccessfully yesterday. We have the IT guy from H's co here and yesterday he said he could do it, but we didn't know if he had. We tried unsuccessfully again today. We became worried, wondered what the problem might be. H said maybe IT guy did it already. So I say in support of that, "OK, we'll check with IT before we do anything else." ...H looks at me, mocks me in a disdaining tone, "Oh, OK, we'll check with IT." So of course (since this is a project in our M) I point out what just happened between us and ask H, what happened for him in that exchange and his response? "You're telling me what to do." I explain that my intention was to reiterate OUR plan of action. This happens ALL THE TIME Jack. So after breakfast I asked him about it and he volunteered that maybe he "should just let it go" when I say things out loud. I know that if he does that, it will lead to resentment on his part.
History~ H has held the belief that I blamed him for a crappy room on our honeymoon......for 21 YEARS! Just found that out last year during MC. I had no idea. Resentment is a key ingredient in addictions and addiction is the best model I've come across to look at A's. You do something that feels good, you know it isn't good for you, may/will ruin your family/friends, but you do it anyway because, damn, you've been wronged. That's the nutshell version.
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
The realization of "some things" I need to change.....semantics get in the way.
I do need to ( don't want to) face the abandonment in my childhood (that's "some thing")which lead to my holding my H at emotional arm's length like his mother did.
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
