I am guessing this is going to a long journey based on some of the other posts, so I will call this the first chapter. I've been reading and trying decide if I belong here. The answer of course is yes, I do.
I've been married to my H for 17 years and together for 20. We have 2 children together and have had our share of ups and downs. About 5 years into our marriage H had an A that I discovered which resulted in a 1 yr separation. It was very difficult but after some counseling we reconciled but I wonder if we truly dealt with the core issues at that time, and stopped counseling. I still had trust issues that were not dealt with and just tried to white knuckle through any uncomfortable feelings I had over the years because in his eyes I should be over it now.
He did cut off all ties with OW and actually changed jobs to help fully cut ties.
So fast forward to the past year specifically. We have been growing in different directions. I feel as if he is having a mid life crisis, wanting to party all the time, go away on multiple 'guys weekends' but to excess almost. Even when he is home, much of the responsibilities fall on me. I guess I have somewhat done that to myself, by taking them on and not wanting an argument if I ask for help.
He has been distant and moody, and when I tried to discuss it would make him angry. I was pursuing, I know that now. Most recently we were in the garage having a disagreement and trying to avoid the kids hearing us. I mentioned that his behavior was eerily similar to the time when he was having an A, and do I have anything to be concerned about.
When we went inside, the kids were obviously shaken (they are 17 and 15). Turns out my 15 yr old heard us through the wall and was visibly upset. He is extremely angry with my H and is having trouble talking to him/looking at him. I explained that it was not meant for their ears, it was a long time ago and we are trying to work on some things. I also said that no matter what their father loves them very much.
At this point my H grabbed my hand and looked at the ground, it killed him to think the kids were angry or hurt.
S17 told me he was disappointed in me that I didn't talk to him. He feels like an adult and doesn't understand that boundary. S15 said 'I don't know why you didn't leave a long time ago'. He doesn't understand fully that it is not always black/white
This all happened on the weekend. I am traveling for work this week and they are all home. H is trying to be there for the kids more and S15 is still "edgy" according to H.
I received a few texts while away and I called the kids daily.
I am heading home tonight and nervous to say the least.
Sorry this first post is so long. Just overwhelmed I suppose.
Just journaling, my first night home was Friday night. It wasn't what I expected to say the least. I guess I didn't know what to expect. H went to the gym after work and came home around 8pm. Within an hour we were arguing. A lot of the items we argue about are little things, or from past issues. My main concern has been the distance I feel from him. He cares more about partying which is aggravating. It doesn't take much to disagree unfortunately. It continued through bedtime and he ended up on the couch for a few hours. He came back at 4am, the couch was uncomfortable.
Saturday morning, he apologized for the argument on Friday night. I apologized for my portion as well. I hate this feeling, I don't want to argue. This is awful.
So Saturday morning he asked me if we can go out that evening and try to start fresh. I was hesitant but it was a nice thought. I may have done the wrong thing but I went and we actually had a good night. We went to dinner and a sporting event. We have not fought since Friday night but I also feel like we are pushing a lot of things under the carpet.
My plan is to read more DR today and see if I can get some guidance.
I've been GAL. I recently started going back to the gym and hired a nutritionist. I have actually lost 23 pounds so far and feeling very good. I am excited to continue with that journey and doing for me is a good thing.
The weather is beautiful today. I have the day off due to some dental surgery this morning. I think I will take advantage of the gorgeous weather and take my dog to the dog park and do a few miles. Before long the weather will be colder and I won't be able to do it.
The roller coaster is so confusing, from such low lows on Friday night. I spent much of the night on the phone with a friend while he was on the couch. I was having such a hard time with some of the mean things he says, typically when he is drinking. He really lets into me when he is drinking. Tells me that my life it good and he has groundhog day. I get to travel (its part of my job) and he doesn't go anywhere.
Friday evening he was texting a lot and when I asked who he was texting he had a fit and said "the kids will hear you". I probably shouldn't have asked but the whole thing has been wearing on me.
From that to the upbeat happy man that has been here the past day and 1/2. I think reading DR is really going to help me today. I also have Codependent no more, so will read both.
Ok clearly I had to get that out of my system, after re-reading my last few posts they are all about him and nothing about me. Time to shift gears and focus on me. I did what I said and read DR and Codependent no more a bit yesterday. I will read more today after work. Thanks to moderation, I was able to see all of my posts in one shot which really helped drive home that my focus was in the wrong area.
I guess it is good that I saw my focus was in the wrong area. Although I have no doubt that someone here would have pointed that out to me
In addition to GAL for myself, this year is huge for my oldest son. It is his senior year in high school so we are focused on all of the great things that come with that, including waiting for replies from the colleges he applied to. It is a good year and I will be enjoying right along with him. Youngest son is also having a great year, just joined the high school basketball team. I'm very proud of both of them and won't let this craziness affect them any more than it has to. Obviously I know that much of it is out of my control, but its my hope at a minimum.
I hope I come off of moderation soon, my posts seem to drop a few pages and get lost
Staying strong when getting pulled in different directions is certainly not easy. Just when I feel like I am doing the right thing by not responding right away and not pursuing, that is the very time that he will flip his switch and be super nice and super attentive. If I fall into it, he will instantly become distant, moody and angry. I am trying very hard to keep this in mind before falling into it again.
Heading to the gym at lunch time!! Really looking forward to a good workout today! Hopefully it will help with my focus, or lack thereof. I feel distracted a bit and need to shake off the cobwebs today
I'm so sorry Autumn for what you are going through. I know you have a lot going on and a lot of thoughts in your head. This is a place to be perfectly honest. Do you suspect an affair? Is that what's in your head right now? It could explain some of the anger fueling these arguments that you are having.
Also, have you truly forgiven him for the previous affair? Is it on your mind a lot? I'm just wondering. I, too, was dealing with an affair and I understand it is very difficult.
Roller coaster ride? Yep. First way to get off is to stop reacting to him altogether. Easier said than done? Sure, but it must be done. It takes some practice at first but you will soon become adept if you keep at it. You need to be ultra-consistent. NO matter what is occurring, this is your goal. Believe it or not, you CAN get off the roller coaster and you don't need his cooperation to do so AT ALL. For me, it's been a year. My H had an A with a woman from work (a place that I work as well) and it was hard to watch it all play out in front of me. In the last year, he has left me 3 times. I did all the wrong things at first... beg, pleaded, argued, etc. I took the roller coaster ride with him... If he was up, so was I. If he was down, so was I. If he paid attention to me, then I was happy. If he didn't, then I was depressed. Do you see where I am going with this???? Your entire existence depends on your H who, by your description, is acting erratic, at best. Additionally, if, in fact, he's in MLC, then the behavior will most likely become even more erratic. You want to go on that ride?? You don't. Believe me. Get off NOW. Carve a life for yourself... no matter how small. Find some hobbies and interests. Stop pursuing him at all costs. Stop questioning his every move. Stop going over in your head what everything means. Believe me, if you asked him why he does what he does, he wouldn't even be able to answer you.
You are obviously a strong, intelligent woman who knows what to do here... you just need some encouragement. At this point in my marital issues, I was a complete disaster with absolutely no insight into my own behavior. You are clearly waaaaayyyy ahead of the game. Keep moving forward. You ARE going to be ok no matter how this turns out.
As a reminder, here are some rules that were posted for me in my first thread. It proved tremendously helpful to me. Take care and I'm praying for you.
LIS
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives becausehe/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
@LIS thank you so much for your response. Your questions are some that I have been asking myself quite often lately. I think I do suspect a PA currently but have no proof, just a feeling. There is nothing concrete. I certainly won't snoop, if I learned one thing here already that is the one I've learned. If I snoop, I may find what I don't want to see. Will it help get me to where I want to be, absolutely not.
Have I forgiven him completely for A early on in our marriage, probably not totally. Unfortunately I think we fooled ourselves into thinking we had dealt with things when we really hadn't. I guess I have some additional work to do in that area.
Thank you for posting the list that you included. I have seen that a few times on here, and they really do make sense. I wish that I could print it out, but obviously can't put it up with H and kids in the house. I will just glance at it periodically.
So glad you found my post!! Your response is very thoughtful and I absolutely appreciate the prayers.
Feeling quite good today, and looking forward to the nice weather again. My plan is to take some time at lunch and take a nice long walk.
I've also been really looking forward to the holidays. I plan to see my family which always feels good.
The roller coaster continues this morning, H woke up in a particularly good mood. He commented on my weight loss and the changes I have been making. I am not doing them for him or to win him over, but it always feels good to hear that your hard work is noticeable.
Oddly he called on his way to work and also sent a brief "have a great day" email. It has been months since he has done either. I am not reading too much into it, in fact if anything it makes me a bit nervous. I really don't like thrill rides and roller coasters are by far my least favorite (haha).
Yeah, I think it's time you start dealing with these past issues. You're right, it is so easy to fool ourselves, especially to keep the peace.
Listen, Autumn, I make no judgment. I am dealing with some of the same issues right now. My H's A is fresh on my mind. He's looking to reconcile, however, I refuse to send either of us down that path until I am certain that I can forgive. The other internal issues I have is whether I can forget and trust him again? These are deeply personal issues that we need to answer for ourselves. My life has very little to do with my H these days as I try to find these answers for myself. I need to do what is best for me, while making sure that I am as kind as I can be to my H.
I think this is the place that you are in right now. I see some resentment and anger in you that needs to be resolved before you can worry about your H or your M. I can completely understand the frustration you feel regarding his unhappiness. My H would tell me over and over how unhappy he was but never would give me an explanation as to why. It was a source of tremendous frustration for me until I realized that I was very unhappy myself and I needed to learn how to fix that issue (still working on it). You don't strike me as unhappy with your life, but perhaps you've been unhappy with your marriage for awhile? I don't know. I'm really just trying to figure out where the breakdown is here...
I hope you are having a good day and I'm praying for you.
