Have you taken a breath yet? You need to. First, you need to calm down. I understand that you are feeling desperate and you are devastated by the affair you perceive, but you really need to get things in perspective.
I have some good news for you and some bad news for you. Good news? Unlike many of us, you are in a good position where your wife is willing to work on the marriage with you (through counseling). The bad news? You will blow up every inch of progress and push her into OM's arms if you keep up the obsession regarding the affair. Will she ever admit to it? I don't know. What I am pretty sure of, however, is that she will not admit to it anytime soon. This I know from experience. My H had an affair that has ended as well. However, he will not admit to it. For a long time, I thought this was a huge deal. I'm learning that it isn't and I should have been concentrating on other things.
Jake, I'm curious... you glossed over "legitimate relationship problems" as if they were secondary to your marital issues. They are not. This is your PRIMARY problem. It was these "legitimate relationship problems" that most likely led to the affair and will lead to further problems down the road if they are not resolved. I would be curious to know what these issues are.
Also, have you read DB or DR? If not, I highly suggest you do that immediately. You must understand that pushing your agenda and your timing will further alienate your wife and erode your relationship.
