Accuray is right. Your W feels justified in her actions. If you try to make her feel guilty, it is likely that you will get the exact opposite reaction of what you are hoping for.
Will this get you closer or further away from your goal? Chances are probably further away.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I'm trying to come up with something simple to say without drawing out too much emotion--just a simple statement that says how I feel and that I know about the A and OM. Below is what I have come up with. Any opinions or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Wife, I know you are having an affair with OM and it has been going on for some time. I want to let you know, that you have hurt me and our family greatly by your actions and the trust that you have broken cannot be easily repaired. I refuse to be hurt by you any longer and I will not share your heart with him. I know that I won’t be able to forgive you unless you can first admit that what you have done is wrong and show remorse. I know that our family cannot ever be whole again until that happens.
Me36, W38 S12, S3 T20, M4 Bomb dropped 8/18/11 Moved out 8/18/11 Filed for D 10/20/11 OM Confirmed 11/5/11
First, good for you for posting and thinking before delivering the message -- a lot of people don't do that. That is to your credit.
Your speech would be perfect if your W was actively seeking coming back to you. She is not, she has walked away. She's not interested in repairing your trust, her actions are not about hurting you, she's not looking to share your heart anymore. She is not looking for your forgiveness! She is not looking for your family to be whole. She is looking for the marriage to end and you are playing into her hand with that speech.
This will not inspire guilt or remorse. When your W hears that speech, she will resent you and be angry with you. If she feels guilty, it will be hidden behind her anger at you.
Here's an alternate suggestion:
Wife, I have valued the marriage we have had together, and I place great value on our family. I know that the marriage has been difficult for you in many ways, it has been difficult for me too. I believe any long term committed relationship will have challenges.
I am also aware that you are having an affair with OM and that it has been going on for some time. I want you to know that I understand how these things happen -- we are all human, we all like the attention of someone new, particularly when we don't feel our needs are being met in our marriage.
Although knowing about the affair has caused me a great deal of pain, I am still interested in working on recovering our marriage. I have made a significant effort to understand the behavior that caused trouble for you, and am doing my best to address it. I'm doing it for myself, as any successful relationship I engage in will require me to be a better partner. If our relationship benefits from my changes, that would be great, but I will pursue them regardless.
I understand that I have caused you pain. I am interested in making our relationship a positive one going forward, particularly for the sake of our children. We've had some very good times together, and I remember and value the reasons that I chose to marry you. At this point, I'm not asking you to do anything. I am going to remain committed to positive change in myself, our marriage and to our family, that is my choice. I'm not looking for a response, I'd just like you to understand how I'm thinking about our situation, and what I plan to do for myself going forward. I wish you happiness with whatever choices you make going forward.
>>>>>>>>
That is detaching and giving her space. That is letting her know that you know, but not making her feel guilty or evil. It's normalizing what she's done. Read these two speeches and ask yourself how you would FEEL if you received them. I would argue that by setting her free, you are "the better man" and will actually make it even harder to live with herself which MAY get you the apology you're looking for at a time that SHE wants to give it.
Good luck
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
You wouldn't happen to be an English major would you Accuray? I couldn't write that good of a letter if my life depended on it--and I guess it kinda does though huh? I really like the way you hit every topic without over explaining (which is a problem I have).
One thing I didn't like is the last line. I really don't want to wish her happiness unless it's with me (selfish, I know), but that's the way I feel. The other thing I didn't see here is any mention of the effects her decision is having on our kids. Should something be added to address these?
Other than those minor points, that's a hell of a writing job there Accuray. Any other suggestions?
Me36, W38 S12, S3 T20, M4 Bomb dropped 8/18/11 Moved out 8/18/11 Filed for D 10/20/11 OM Confirmed 11/5/11
Wishing her happiness is setting her free -- that lifts a weight off her shoulders and allows her to view you as non-threatening. You're not like an octopus waiting to suck her back into your clutches if she gets too close. That's the intention -- I'm making my decisions, you make yours, and I wish you well. That said, this is YOUR speech, so leave that out if you don't want it there.
With regard to the impact on the kids, that goes without saying. Pointing that out is making her responsible for making the kids' lives worse and she will resent you for pointing that out. She knows that.
I said that you want to make the relationship a positive one for the sake of the children, that's the positive spin on it. I want the best for the kids, so I will do what it takes.
The "script" that your W is likely to adopt is that (1) kids are resilient and will adapt, and (2) kids are better with separate happy parents than parents who are together and miserable. That is WAW script and they convince themselves of that. If you tell her she's making the kids life worse through her actions, she will disagree, stick to the points above, and now you have an argument. Your letter needs to be about what YOU are going to do, and what choices YOU are going to make. You must at all costs avoid pointing out what she's doing wrong.
Remember that if everything goes sideways and it gets worse and worse, you can ALWAYS give her the guilt speech. You can't take it back once you've given it, you can't "unring that bell" as 25 says.
For now, try to normalize, make yourself the better man, and make your demeanor non-judgmental and non-threatening.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I'm still quite new at this luvhurts, but my initial feeling about addressing the kids is no. She is not going to feel the guilt that you would anticipate under normal circumstances. I think it may not be necessary to mention the kids at this time.
I understand how it affects us, and the desire to bring it up to them. My H is almost over-attentive to the kids. It is freaking them out a bit. He is going over the top to give them extra attention and get involved in ways that he never did before. I can see the look of confusion on their faces at times, and S15 tends to push him away if he is doing too much.
You may think that by wishing her well, you are giving her permission to leave and not look back.
That's not really true. She doesn't need your permission to leave and not look back, she can do that on her own.
By "setting her free", you will do three things: (1) you will unburden her, she won't need to do things to spite you, (2) you will convince her that you have changed, she would never expect this from you, and (3) you will make her wonder what's going on with you that you were able to get to this place.
That wonder is an itch that starts to grow. Then, if you "go dark", do not pursue, and do not communicate except for necessary children handoffs, the itch can get worse and worse until they WANT to re-engage to see what's going on. If at that point you seem to have yourself together, have found some happiness, and are OK on your own, you MAY be an attractive person for them to re-engage with.
That's really the only way to "pave the road back" from where you are right now. Guilt and blame will cut a valley you'll never be able to bridge.
--Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
LH - I was reading some of your recent posts and wanted to add a little something that hopefully you will find useful.
It is clear by your W's actions that you are hurt, deeply. I get that, believe me. But one thing that I have come to discover that has proven to be a tremendous help during this difficult time is to forgive my W for what she has done and is doing to our family.
Forgiveness is not easy to achieve. However, once you are able to forgive, and I mean really forgive, you will found that a tremendous burden has been lifted and everything else becomes so much easier.
Now, you may not be at a point where you are ready to forgive. It may be weeks, months, even years away. But, the sooner you can get to that place of true forgiveness, the sooner your whole attitude in life will shift for the better.
I recently read about a woman by the name of Corrie Ten Boom who happened to have been a holocaust survivor and she made the following statement about forgiveness:
"Forgiveness is to set a prisoner free, and to realize the prisoner was you."
And so as you continue your journey, as pailful as it is, look in your heart and see if there is a place for you to forgive. For if you do and if you truly forgive, it is then perhaps that you will find the strength and hope for your future.
Best wishes!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Apparently, you guys/girls are more adept at this than I am, so I will relent to the advise of my elders (or at least more seasoned veterans) and take the kick to my back side and do what I'm told. Everyone here has been great and the advice that has been given has been done in the best possible tone and with the greatest effort that one could ask for.
At some point in the near future, I will confront my W and give her the speech that Accuray suggest. Hopefully by doing so, she may have second thoughts and maybe I will be able to detach a little bit.
I haven't yet been able to forgive my W for what she has done to our family, to our M. However, I can already forgive my W for her A (does that make sense?), but I don't know if I can ever forget. Some of that may be lessened if she ever comes back, but I won't know until/if that ever happens.
I still find myself going through the daily motions when a brick hits me and the reality of my situation sets in. This happens many times a day and really hits me bad in the early evening and early in the morning (don't know why).
I've never envisioned a life without W and I still can't even though it is currently happening, but my head is clearer and I know what must be done. I just hope I have the strength to do.
I see that I'm coming up on 100 posts and from what I gather, that means I need to create a new topic, so look for part 2 of What do I do next? (coming to a theater near you).
Me36, W38 S12, S3 T20, M4 Bomb dropped 8/18/11 Moved out 8/18/11 Filed for D 10/20/11 OM Confirmed 11/5/11
If you are committed to putting the tin hat on it, then go ahead, vent on her. If there is a tiny part of you that wants to reconcile, then BUTTON IT. Trying to get her to admit her guilt, apologise or anything else will give her another reason to justify her behaviour.
You must accept the advice of the veterans and be sweetness and light. Be her best friend and do not criticise, condemn nor complain. You have to forgive her or this will fester inside you forever, destroying any chance of a good relationship, should it repair.
