Please help and advice. My wife moved out three weeks ago and already has the papers. She dropped the bomb on me a month ago. She told me she loved me, but wasn't in love me, we were like friends. Life is too short. Said we were both unhappy. I told her I was but was a little sad how the last couple of months were going. We didn't talk much, etc. Told me she didn't want to work it out. She said her feeling changed after an argument we had a 1 1/2 ago. That she told my 15yr d in March that she wanted me to be with someone and she didn't want anyone. Wanted to be on her own. After finding out about WAW syndrome, that was our life this year and I just sat there and watched it happen without knowing it was going on.
She thinks divorce is best for her and kids. I told her it wasn't good for the kids. She replied it is just as bad for an unhappy home. I can see where she is coming from on that point. If I closed up like she did and built up a wall, then sat around thinking about it and stewing over it for that long, I would be unhappy to. It doesn't really reflect the marriage, but all the built up emotions. After being out just a week, she said she was happy. That really hurt. I figure all of the built up pressure that she had was finally released and that is why she is feeling this way. Someone said not to believe a lot of what they say, because they are hurting too and that is their defense mechanism.
She got to know some old girlfriends from facebook and started hanging out with them. I figure they are the ones that is helping her along with her decisions, offering that comforting ear.
I tried all the begging, books, etc that you are not supposed to do while I have been in the panic mode. Then I started looking for help. I found Divorce Busting and a couple others.
Something else that didn't help my cause, was a well meaning counselor at my wife's work told her that about the time a man is ready to change, the woman is done. She works at a hospital. Thanks for the dagger.
We had the normal troubles before the fight but overall it was a good marriage. I have done some soul searching and I have figured out where I let her down as a husband. And through listening to some of the things she told me, I picked up another problem, she said I could be over bearing when I didn'thttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=newpost&Board=20 think i had control. Guess what, that is probably how she saw all the begging and pleading I did to get her to stay.
I have decided to fight for my marriage. If she files right now, she will have to file irreconcilable differences. I told my kids and myself I would do everything to fight for our family. I don't agree with this and I would be letting my kids down if I signed. She will be mad at first, but oh well. Then I have about 10-11 months because she will change it to no default. Then I can implement strategies from Divorce Busters, help from here and some coaching.
There is a book out there called Walk-Out Woman and I read a good bit of it. In a panic state, I gave it to my wife hoping she would read it. What I did read in it, it was like the people writing the book was in my house.
Has anyone been able to bring their marriage back from this darkness? I know it is a long, hard and painful journey, but I Love them all too much to just give up without a fight.
I keep screwing up. I try to keep dark and not talk about the r. I really blew it today. Talked to her about the r. She said she is happy and will be even more happier when she has her own place to spend more time with the kids. Funny thing is, she moved out. Told me she was done trying and doesn't want a relationship with anyone. She told me our discussions were always one sided with me, question her about expenses and she lost respect for me as a provider for our family. She makes a lot more money than me. I started a job as sub teacher a few years back and fell in love with it. I do other things to bring in money, but it must not be enough.
She told my d recently even if I make changes, she still will not go back with me. Who knows, only time will tell. This may fall under never believe anything they say, because when they are in this state, it doesn't matter who they are talking too, they are going to say whatever is coming from behind the wall they have built up.
I am slowly working on myself and making changes. I am currently working on my resume and will be trying to get a better job for me and hopefully for her down the road.
The only way to deal with her is to not deal with her. You have to focus on yourself right now. It's the only thing to do. You cannot change her or the path that she's on.
Keep your D out of it. Can you tell us a little more like how long together and married and how many kids and their ages?
Keep reading here. You'll need it for the ride.
Luv
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
Watch out for the roller coaster. She will appear to soften and even give you a little hope. Then she will blow your world apart again. This will happen many times, so be ready for it and try not to let it devastate you too much.
We dated a couple of years and then got married in 1991. We have been married 20 years.
I made the mistake of talking to and questioning my daughter, I apologized to her and also to her mom. She told me not to treat the kids like a therapist. She is right, I shouldn't have done that. That didn't help matters with the wife and that put me back some more steps backward. The things we do in the panic mode.
M 47 W 42 S 17 D 15
ILYBNILWY 9/29/11 Moved out 10/5/11 She has the D papers
Other than the fact I keep putting my foot in my mouth. Is there any real hope in this situation if I just back off and let it ride the course.
I have been on the roller coaster already and that is why I keep going backwards. What is some other suggestions to go forward. I have screwed up on a bunch from the list of 37. Now I have to start over.
Since it has only been a month, I guess I have a lot of time to get my act together and give her space.
She's unhappy. Don't let her feed what you are supposed to feel. As far as you were concerned, you weren't unhappy.
"In a panic state, I gave it to my wife hoping she would read it."
Yes never give her something to read to "fix" her.
First of all, don't take the blame for everything that went wrong in the M. It takes two to tango and I'm sure once all of the rubbish that she's been spewing at you is cleared away, you'll remember that she wasn't a saint either. I'm sure there were times that she disappointed you but you didn't walk. It makes you the one with the better integrity.
Your M can be saved, but it takes time and calmness. You can do it. Have faith in yourself.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I have been on the roller coaster already and that is why I keep going backwards. What is some other suggestions to go forward. I have screwed up on a bunch from the list of 37. Now I have to start over.
Read the books - DB & DR and anything else that proves helpful. Focus on you. Read the various threads on this message board. There are pearls of wisdom sprinkled all over the place. Use what applies and is helpful. Ignore that which is not.
Since it has only been a month, I guess I have a lot of time to get my act together and give her space.
Actually, you don't have a lot of time to get your act together. You need to get your act together starting right now.
Yes, it will take a lot of time to work through this process but you need to work on yourself now.
Yes, give your W space. As much as possible for as long as possible. Space and time and work on you.... that needs to be your mantra for the forseeable future.
God speed!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
wow 2thepoint, you are absolutely right. Now is the time to work on me, it might be baby steps, but now is the time to do it. It will help me and also give her a longer time to keep looking around her wall and see there is changes. Like everyone here says, don't believe what they say, even if she saying any changes are too late, you never know or she might not change, but at least I will be.
MrBond, thanks for the input. If you guys have any other bits of wisdom that you are picking up on the way or advice, please let me know.
