Grace, Love, Compassion, and Faith - Good Stuff

[Valeska19]

@ Rick - She did SEEM curious. It's hard to tell if she is having mixed emotions. If so.. it wouldn't be the first time. She had mixed feelings right before we separated. It led to her not talking to me.

That being said.. I have to still guard my heart. Let her make the move back should she chooses.

@DG - Thank you! I do feel like I have grown. I especially see it now that I have friends going through breakups. They are reacting on feelings of anger and hurt. It's getting pretty ugly. As hard as it's been. I'm glad I didn't chose that route.

I won't lie. If I AM turning into a woman only a fool we leave, I hope my w sees it. I just have to be careful to keep my motives pure. I am changing because that is what's best for me.

@Aeo - Yep.. Growth is a journey that I will forever take. If I don't enjoy the little successes of my changes, I think I would grow exhausted from all the work. I will keep keeping on.

@JS - I too feel like I handled it well. The tears came to my eyes but I did not let them roll down my cheek. I cannot help that I am an emotional person, but I have learned that showing my emotions do not equal weakness rather strength.

I have been trying to process my feelings lately and really looking at your saying about not letting best get in the way of better.

I am appreciative of my interaction with my w, however my 5 yr old inner child and has taken down the box of hope and is crying and desperately hanging onto it. I've been fighting with her to put it back. For having hope hurts me and is something that keeps me from moving forward.

I am clearly not done with my w.

Friday has also let me confused on how to move forward. I think this is partly because of the hope. She has explained to me that this is how she needs to do this D, and I still want it to be different.

I went on a spin of trying to figure out ways to make her more curious, or changing my tactic of calling her vs. texting to discuss things. To change my emails to be more friendly vs. more business like.

I went back to putting the burden all on me. Leave it to me to fix it, leave it me control the situation.

And as much I WANT to.. I can't. I can't go back to being her enabler. I can't go back to the old dynamic. I can't go back to being the old Val.

So right now.. I'm just doing what I know works for me. Living my life the best I can, being the kindest person I can. Looking deep within myself to change.. and constantly challenging myself.

In regards to w, I continue to work through my feelings to see what is fair and loving. I wake up trying to forgive and trying to let go.

I can't worry about if that will save my M right now. I have to have faith that in my heart, that's what feels right.

On a different note - did a completely different GAL activity. I went to a bar last night by myself to watch the Bears Game. Huge fan and I had a bunch of work to do.. but I never went to a bar alone.

It was great. A friend ended up joining me later.. but one thing I know for sure. I am not the shy, awkward Val anymore..