Alcoholic H wants D part 2.....

[25yearsmlc]

another venting session...
we went to our co parenting session last night. after what I thought was a great weekend for S14 and H, he spent the first 15 minutes of session complaining about how much money it cost him and how he was not going to be able to do that every time he spent with S14 and basically was all negative about it.

that was probably done to punish you for filing. But since your alternative was not having utilities paid, then so be it.


It seemed to stem from the fact that we had decided that he would not keep S14 over night since the house is pretty empty and we thought that would upset S. He said several times that there was now going to be child support and alimoni to be paid (alluding to me filing papers) and he just couldnt afford to spend that kind of money. I felt that he was trying to bring up the papers and the fact that I had moved my things out but the C did not take that opportunity to discuss it and I feel like I cant bring those things up because he gets so defensive when i do.

if you say anything at those moments, make it BRIEF. No more than two sentences or it gets' tuned out or converted into something they FEAR, not what the actually HEAR...make sense?


When the subject of telling our son about D was brought up and how we would approach it she suggested when he asks why (which he will, our son is the question master!!) that we tell him that is basically our buisness and that he just needs to know that we both love him. i DO NOT want to tell him about that A but i definately dont thing telling him it is not his buisness is the way to go..I actually dont want to tell him at all and am not argueing the point but not pushing it along either. It doesnt feel like H is in any hurry to tell him either so I am going with that..I guess i feel like there were chances for her to get us talking about what is going on and she avoided it.

Interesting...well, you can say you are in transition and don't know what the future holds...(true) or that it "may" lead to divorce (true), but that you both love him and one thing my mc said that really helped was to stress to the kids, no matter what happens, SOME things in their life will remain the same.

In our sitch, I knew I'd stay in the same home til d1 finished high school so the d's both were going to be in the same school, with same friends and same home for the next 2 years. No moving was coming soon and they were very relieved by that.


Our sessions that my emplyee will pay for are up and he agreed to go through his for some more, so he is obviousley agreeable to being there. When she asked him if a divorce is definat he did answer yes...and there was no mention of OW...he is sticking to the story that the reason for the divorce is because he cannot go back to our R the way it was, she again told him that that reason made no sense to her because the R could be changed with some work.

I'm sure he heard that. But as was said earlier, SEEMS so much easier to start with someone new who has no recall of the baggage he feels guilty about. Only time in the new R will show him that ALL r's take some work.


He said that he saw no change in me over the last 2 years and could not trust that.

?? Meaning he saw changes he did NOT trust OR that he saw no changes and did not trust that you would make them?

Either way, you know what you have to do for that...SHOW CHANGE...it does not have to be huge. Just consistent...

consisent change + sufficient time = change they believe in.

He came by the house after session and picked up the dreaded bed...which i helped him load in his truck with a smile on my face. (180!!!!)

ta dah! 180!

and then discussed how he will bring trailer over tomorrow so I can get it ready for mine and the boys camping trip this weekend.

On my end, I am slowing down and not feeling so paniced about the situation. Not staying up at night crying and trying to not react on the fly to every thing that is said and done.


Good

I guess i just wish I knew if there was still a chance or if i should just resign myself to the D....but i guess everyone here has that same thought. would that be easy???

no guarantees...but there never were. However, you are far from finished imo.

He's saying things for his own "safety" but if he believes you have changed and that he can actually be forgiven (don't tell him he is, b/c he's not overtly asking you at the moment)

if he believes you both could actually move "From this day forward" and not carry around a lot of the past...

you are the mother of his child. And he was with you a LONG TIME...

it is very unlikely that he can go forward without looking back over his shoulder and wondering about giving it another try.

But atm, he probably does believe you are very angry (and you usually are and I'm not saying I wouldn't be too--but it's NOT helpful)

and therefore for HIM, the guilt, dealing with your anger and the past, which he may feel he'll never be able to get past with you

are triggers for him to drink.

So in a way, he thinks he's saving himself.

The only way for that Not to be true is if he drinks again without you

OR if he believes you really have moved forward, and are letting go of the past vis a vis him. For your sake, you need to do that anyhow.

Like if you two co-parent well and demonstrate things in common and some friendship...how can he not wonder about more?

Do you see how letting go of the past, helps YOU? And your son?



The thing I need the most direction on now is what i should be doing as far as contact...I feel like I should just go dark after this weekend. I cant really now since he is bringing the trailer today and helping get us settled in the camping spot. and yes I can admit that im useing the camping trip as a point of contact. I realize that and will not be doing that anymore. He offered but I jumped on it, should have just said no thank you but thanks for the offer.
Im learning.....

for now, going dark is probably going to make it easier for YOU to make the changes you want to make AND to Detach and stop obessing about him and OW...so that's an argument for it. And he won't have you to blame for ordinary life problems, which he never faced before b/c he was drinking and so he didn't deal with life on life's terms...so Later on....we'll see...

oh, i did tell him in our session that I hoped he remembered from now on that he is a role model for our son

good and true...

and his actions of late have not been ones that show character or integrity and that our S is watching..

Not good...all opinion and judgemental and NOT forgiving so...why would he think you have changed if he's still seeing your anger?

You could have stopped at the first sentence...and even that isn't necessary to point out. You don't think he knows it already?

.not sure if that was smart but needed to get that out.

why did you "need to get that out"? Just curious.

Do you see how that "need" is really just saying "I wanted to express my disapproval to him, again"?

Forgiveness is NOT easy. But it's healthy for ALL...and it's mandatory if you really believe you want to reconcile. Decide though, if that is true. Do you hate the idea of him rejecting you so much that you say you want the marriage to work when in fact

you are so furious at him that you sabotage the efforts...OR do you really want to move past the past and go from this day forward, building a new marriage?

If it's the latter, then YOU need to demonstrate change. To him, HE has changed b/c he's not drinking.

I don't know what other steps or changes he has made but in his eyes the ball is in your court, I think.

read up on forgiveness. I found Marianne WIlliamson's books on anger helpful -she's too new agey for some but her forgiveness work is great.

I literally had to say, out loud, "I turn my pain/anger over to you, God" about 40 times a day. Said it in the shower so my kids didn't think I was nuts. But thinking it, saying it and hearing it DO help...and it was too much for me anyhow.

And btw, I have two family members who divorced and later, years later I'm afraid, remarried.

It happens