Things have been pretty quiet on the home front. House is almost completely cleaned (with the exception of the laundry room. Need to get several items dry cleaned) and I feel so relieved. Trying to keep the kids from spilling juice and dropping candy on the rug or couch is a different story.
For whatever reason, I just remembered a series of dreams that I had during our last fight. Every dream I had centered around H and him saying that everything was a big misunderstanding. While he was meeting up with OW #2 (recently found out that she was basically a replacement for OW #1 - an old girlfriend from high school) I was dreaming about us reconciling. He was pleading for me to stay and work it out with him. Eerily similar to what he said on Saturday night - he promised to tell her that he wanted to stay and work things out, but asked that I give him a few days. Again, I just nodded in response.
I'm all caught up as far as work goes. Being a freelancer gives me so much freedom, but the money isn't always good. Just for the sake of stability, I've started to look for a job outside the home again. Maybe something good will come of it. I am also going to form a business in the next few weeks. Original plan was to make H a co-owner, but I'm not really sure about that anymore.
H ended up falling asleep early tonight as he's sick. He came home directly from work and helped me to put the girls asleep. When I went into the bedroom earlier he asked me if I was okay and apologized for conking out. I told him it was okay and that I understood that he was tired. Most of the time I believe less than half of what he says, but from the way that he's been snoring for the last few hours, he'd have to be one heck of an actor to pretend.
Next counseling session is this weekend. So far, I'm really impressed with this guy. He sent us an email suggesting some reading materials for us to look over. Even though H kept saying that he wanted to end things (after which, he promptly flip-flopped again) I guess the counselor could see his apprehension. This guy is definitely pro-marriage and H really related to him. I'm still pretty shocked that he set up another session, let alone so soon.
I plan on going shopping for art supplies within the next few days. My oldest daughter has shown that she has real talent and is interested in learning. My plans are to host Thanksgiving at home for the first time, like ever. For whatever reason, my mother is upset about my decision. I've been doing through many problems with her as H is going through issues with his own mother. I can't imagine spending the holidays with them both, and thankfully, his mother has not even mentioned coming here.
For now, I am holding off on moving out of the bedroom. After reading DB again (and again) I realize that 'going dark' might not be right for now. Besides, I always have the option of pulling out the last stop if the situation gets worse. I am not happy about him being a lying, deceitful cheat, however, pulling out completely might have the opposite of my desired response. I've always pulled away from him when angry. I saw that being more supportive yielded great results for a period of time, so I'm going to try what worked again. The only problem I have is with physical intimacy. Aside from being not knowing where he has been, I also have to get over that mental block. I guess we'll see what happens in the next few days.
Woke up feeling really good today. Laundry room is being organized now and I plan on using the crockpot for the first time today. Last night before I went to bed, I made H's lunch. Usually I'd tell him, but I just put it in the fridge where I knew that he'd see it. Yesterday I also sent him a friendly text telling him that I hoped he was having a good day at work. He responded about 2 minutes later.
I'm going over DB again and I'm still so confused. I've started my list of actionable goals but I'm really confused when it comes to pursuing. When I'm mad I avoid him at all costs. I'm not going to call or text today at all. When everything was peachy, we communicated all day long. I've got some activities lined up for the rest of the week and he's going to be very busy at work. If I keep reaching out, I think that I'll appear to be needy. However, if I don't show any interest at all he'll probably think that he's getting the cold shoulder.
I guess I am torn between flip flopping again myself. Its hard to be mysterious when he knows that I'm home with the kids all day long. I might start by taking the kids to the park, or even riding the bus with them to the library. I absolutely need to be out of the house some days so that he gets home and sees that things have been mixed up a bit. That's probably where I will start.
Well, it happened again. H flip flopped again - had no recollection of the promises he made on Saturday night. My air mattress is here, so I'll be moving into the spare bedroom shortly. I'm kind of glad that I prepared myself for this, but I'm still disappointed. Going to be GALing big time in the next few weeks.
Woke up feeling sad and despondent - like I'm right back to square one. The good thing that I can say is that H mentioned all of the positive changes he has seen with no prompting from me. He keeps mentioning that this is something that he has to go through. When I told him that we have to get prepared for our separate moves at the end of the lease, he seemed shocked. I truly believe that he believes that he is administering some form of tough love. By ending things, I'll shape up and we can have a life together again.
I've been so erratic lately, thinking things are moving in the right direction, then he drops bomb after bomb. I really have to list some clear, concrete goals so that I don't keep getting sucked in. For now, I want no physical contact with him at all. I don't know if this means I should avoid his touch, but it really makes me so angry for him to continue cake eating.
I have to get out of this house. Having a schedule where he can come home at anytime and me always being here has to change. I will need both a job outside of the house as well as a car to accomplish this. For now, I'm looking into weekly car rentals as this will help me to secure employment more easily.
My oldest daughter will be enrolled in some type of pre-school and the youngest will go to daycare. He needs to share the responsibility with me, both financially and scheduling-wise. If we are going to start living separate lives, we both need to understand the full brunt of single parenthood.
Maybe I'm going full speed, but I've been toying around with making real changes for so long that I really need to stay busy to get focused. Its just too painful to have him continue to use me and think that its really all for the best.Its going to be harder to miss him if I stay preoccupied.
So, my goals are to:
1. Get a job outside of the house. Part time or full time, it doesn't matter.
2. Get a car. This will be difficult until I have stable employment, but renting a car won't kill me for now.
3. Find out about school/daycare options. This will make it easier to keep the house clean. Both kids will be in kindergarten or pre-school next year anyways.
4. GAL hardcore. No weekend will be spent at home and many evenings during the week will be filled with activities. Between the gym, art classes and social outings with friends, I will stay busy.
5. Continue counseling sessions. My focus will be on dealing with parenting issues.
I know that come next summer, he'll have his tail tucked between his legs. Quite honestly, making it that long without him will likely color my perception of our relationship. I feel abandoned, taken for granted and discarded. While I still love him, my heart can't take this anymore. These actions will probably act to make him curious, pursue and drive him away in some respects. I don't have any idealized goals, but if we ever get to a point where we consider reconciling, they will be on solid terms. All in or all out, that's the only way I see it for now.
It finally occurred to me that I am in much more control of this situation than I first thought. After reading other sitchs, I realize that I have a fighting chance - if I stay the course. I've been responding like I always do - getting mad when he flip flops, and changing my behavior accordingly. Creating a real plan, that involves my real GOALS as well as our goals is where I will start today. Phew.
Today it was a little difficult for me to focus on work, but not as bad as the day before. I consider that to be progress. I have to be honest with myself and accept the fact that I am going to have some more trying days ahead of me. I'm fully prepared to move into the other room, but there's something holding me back. Part of me doesn't want the kids to notice and I also don't want to be seen as the one pulling away. However, I just don't see how we can avoid being physical if I stay in the same bedroom.
I had intended on talking to the counselor about this over the weekend, but H has overtime the same day. He seemed to have forgotten about the appointment, so I'm not sure if he was acting again or generally was confused. My plan is to get as much work out of the way today so that I can have time to shop with the kids. We need some more church clothes and I also want to get art supplies. H will be off on Friday, so spending as much time out of the house GALing as possible will be good. I also want to mentally prepare myself for him going out again this weekend.
Another reason I haven't moved into the spare bedroom is because I don't want my family to take notice over the holidays. I don't think that its their business and I do not want their unsolicited advice. In my head, I'm still going over H's latest flip-flop, but it does tell me that I have to completely remove myself from this situation in order to get clarity. He knows in his heart what's right and what's wrong. That's what made me so angry. He knows that putting his family through this is not the right thing to do, but he's just being selfish. That's okay though, I will make it through this.
All I can say is that I survived another day. My emotions were all over the place today, but I managed to stay fairly calm. H called right after getting off of work and came home at his regular time. After a few minutes, he told me that he needed to reschedule our counseling session. Then he canceled it altogether, citing that he didn't really have the money. I said okay, no big deal because I am sure that he was expecting a more intense response.
He made dinner then very obviously made a phone call to one of his friends. Told me he was going to his friend's house a few minutes later, but I have no idea why he felt the need to tell me of his plans. I continued to get the girls ready for bed and he asked if I needed anything before he left. I could have been more non-chalant - actually, I think I might have been trying to hard to act like I didn't care. I hope this will become more natural for me over time.
So, for the last three or four days I haven't called or texted him at all. I just ask him how his day was at work and we talk about general stuff. I have plans for tomorrow afternoon, but not the evening. Want to see if I can make some last minute plans just to get out of the house.
I've accepted in my mind that this will not work with us both flip flopping. I have to stay strong. I plan on getting my secondary computer back up and running tomorrow so that I can fill out a slew of job applications. If and when I do land a job, I'll have to take the bus. Since I live in the boondocks, I can estimate spending between 2 to 3 hours a day just traveling, but that will give me plenty of time to read and reflect. It will probably be a few months after I get a job outside of the home that I will be able to get a car.
I reached out to 2 friends that are close enough to understand the sitch but far enough away not to be impacted by it too much, but neither of them were available. Made the evening a little harder, but I've pulled through so far. I'm going to go to bed at a decent hour so that I can have a fresh start. Its been hard accepting my new reality, but in retrospect its not like I'm really losing out. A few bumps in the road will be well worth the changes that I can expect.
Another bad day for me. Last night I could barely sleep, kept waking up. No matter how much I tell myself what he does no longer concerns me, I can't help but to wonder. When he finally rolled in, he tried to be intimate. I just pretended to be asleep but he kept his arm around me.
I know a lot of people have read my sitch and refuse to comment because it is entirely messed up. Living with a serial cheater that isn't even legally married to me, but what can I say? Denial and hopefulness can keep even the smartest of people in dysfunctional relationships.
But its not about saving a relationship anymore, its about saving myself. When you invest this much time and energy into a making what you think is going to be a better life, it is devastating to find everything crumbling around you. That's what I feel like right now. Trying to focus, trying to stay strong, but feeling so very weak inside.
I haven't cried at all, which may or may not be a good sign. I might be headed for a breakdown. I don't want him to be around for that.
Trying to maintain this front of everything being okay is hard for now. I know it will get better. I just have to get through this alone.
As expected, had a good day after feeling like crap yesterday. Made plans to take up a few classes next week and have a full plate for next weekend. Church is tomorrow and I'll also have things to do during the week. Feeling a lot better about moving on, and so far I haven't looked back.
Hi, itneverfails. Sorry you find yourself in this situation, but I feel you've come to the right place. I don't think people are refusing to reply because your situation is "so messed up". Y'all are common law married, but nevertheless a family, with the same sort of problems the civilly married couples here have. I read all your posts this evening-H is watching football-and I honestly think you are handling things admirably. You have a plan in place, you have your H going to counseling, etc. You've started going to church, which will give you spiritual strength for the rough road ahead. You have a creative outlet in the painting. I only happened upon your thread this evening, and I am sure others are sure to follow. Keep posting, we are here.
