What do I do next?

[luvhurts49]

I've got my first prescription for AD's, but waiting for insurance to authorize it.

I see my W no less than 3 times a week--when we exchange kids or when she has to drop off our youngest before she goes to work. We are currently using a 2-2-3 arrangement for sharing time with the kids and I have a hard enough time with that. I don't think that I could go longer than 2 or 3 days without seeing my kids.

[Grace_O]

Don't see your kids less. That wasn't what I meant at all.

When you exchange them, try to keep it to the bare minimum and if you need to exchange info, perhaps a phone call or text type of thing (because you really don't have time to talk when you exchange the kids). It allows you to at least keep your feelings to yourself a little more.

When you're with the boys, work at being totally with them, not missing them before they go. I can't really help with any tools for that. I'm sure someone else can point you in a direction there.

Hopefully, your insurance will respond quickly. It takes a little while even after you start taking them to really be effective.

[Accuray]

Luvhurts49,

So you understand what you need to do, but you don't know how. Don't feel badly about that, it goes against our nature. It goes against our instincts, in many ways we have to "do the opposite", and act contrary to how we're feeling, and that's just plain unnatural.

I definitely recommend the telephone coaching on this site. I was very skeptical and only paid for one consultation to begin with, but after that first hour I was 100% convinced, because things were SO much better for my state of mind afterwards. I worked with Cheryl.

One technique she recommended, which I think is also in DB, is to rate how you're feeling about the things that are bothering you on a 10 point scale. For instance, if you feel lonely, how lonely are you on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being "not lonely at all". If you're a "2", ask yourself why you're not a "1" -- what makes you better than a "1"? That's how you celebrate what you're doing well and reinforce what's working. Don't skip that step, it's tempting to do so because we tend to focus on the negative.

Then, you ask what you'll be *doing* differently when you're a 3? Then, start doing those things even though you don't feel like it, and set a goal to reassess in a week. Usually, when you reassess, you'll be at 3. Once again, ask why you're better than 2, and what you'll be doing differently when you're a 4, and start doing those things, etc.

The key here is what will you be *doing*, not how will you be feeling. You can control what you're doing. You want to set modest goals too. Your instinct will be that if you're a 2, to try to figure out how to be a 10 -- you can't do it, you can't have a reasonable plan to improve that much. You have to focus on going up one notch per week, and if that's too much, then focus on half a point. Once you begin seeing progress, no matter how small, you'll feel better, and you'll make more progress because you're encouraged.

As others have said, do the things that bring you great enjoyment, do the things you've always wanted to do but never had the time. Learn to play an instrument, take up a new sport, take a night class once per week. Look for things that will give you the opportunity to meet people in a non-threatening environment and bond over a shared interest.

This will be outside of your comfort zone -- it's hard to overcome the inertia. On the other hand, your comfort zone is gone, so there's no reason not to put yourself out there, what's going to make your situation worse by getting out and meeting people? You need to do some work to GAL and take a chance right now, that's all there is to it. That WILL make you feel better.

Also, I took AD, it was not a wonder drug. Sometimes it helped a little, sometimes not at all. For me, it didn't compare to calling an old friend on the phone and having a heart to heart, that cheered me up more than anything, you could try that to, reconnect with someone you haven't spoken to in a long time, but you used to enjoy.

Hope that helps!

Accuray

[sandi2]

I guess my goal in confronting her would to be to let her know that I know about the A--that I would be willing to forgive her if she ended it and came back to our M so we could make things better.

She's not looking for your forgiveness. She's in this A and that's all she's thinking or feeling. It would only make you feel more depressed and rejected.

When the A is over and if she has enough sense left to look at the man you've become, then you'll know when she's seeking your forgiveness.

I am a mess--a shell of my former self lost in depression, sorrow, and misery and I don't see any escape from feeling this way.

So make a turn-around. Find the man you were before you got M. Work your goals with a purpose in sight! If anyone had a strong motive, you do! Right?

[sandi2]

I should have explained about what I meant at feeling depressed and rejected. If you confronted her that you know about her A.......and yet you were willing to forgive her and she could come back, well....I don't know her but I could think of several nasty ways she might give as an answer. Don't go that route in hopes it will work to bring her back.

If you can find forgiveness in your heart, then that will be freeing for you. But we can forgive another without voicing it.

[luvhurts49]

@Accuracy: Interesting thoughts on rating your feelings. I don't think that I would rate very high on any particular feeling at this point, but I will give it some thought though. I've actually thought about the phone coaching, but I simply can't afford it. Also, time is something that I have very little of at this point. Any time I have is so I can spend it with my boys.

@sandi2: As far as confronting my W and her A, I've been trying to think of all her reactions in order to prepare myself, but if you would like to share any of those "nasty ways she might give as an answer", please do so as there may be some that I haven't thought of.

While I can forgive my W for her A, she still needs to know that I know she is having an A. Up to this point, I believe that she still thinks that I don't have any idea about her A or that it is something that began well before she left. That she needs to know what it is that she is doing, not just to our M, but to our kids as her time with them is centered around buying them things and letting them watch TV. She doesn't talk to them, she doesn't spend time with them, and she really doesn't play with them. My oldest even told me that when he sits down next to my W on the couch, she will get up and go sit in the recliner so no one can sit next to her. I also assume she does this so she doesn't have to hide what she is doing on her phone (texting OM all night while she has the kids).

[Grace_O]

LH,

she still needs to know that I know she is having an A.

No, she doesn't. I don't know that it matters to her. It does matter to you so that you can show her you aren't a "fool". Know what? You're not. Letting her know will not change anything.

That she needs to know what it is that she is doing, not just to our M, but to our kids

On some level she does know. That doesn't mean she isn't going to go forward with her plans. This is about her.

That she moves when your son sits next to her could be about alot of things, including guilt. It's really hard to stop trying to interpret their every move thought etc., it takes time and a conscious effort and then alot more time.

That she spends time with the boys is good. It may not be the same as before and may not be the way they or you would like, but it is time. Believe me I know how angry it can make you that she isn't really engaged with them. I have a D that went into crisis and I'm at the point now, where I think her Dad does the best he can. That doesn't mean that she (or I) likes his limitations. it just means he has
limitations. There is nothing to do but accept that.

Right now, your W has a whole bunch of limitations. She's human and imperfect. And you're hurt and angry. It's understandable.

It's also easy to be angry on behalf of your kids and that can make you feel more righteous in confronting her. But again, I wouldn't.

HUGS

[luvhurts49]

But that's just it, I'm not angry at my W. Sure I'm disappointed, confused, and frustrated at her actions, but I'm not angry. When I see the look on my son's face as he tells me that his mom isn't acting like his mom and that she really doesn't do anything with him or his brother, it is heart breaking.

As far as her limitations, she doesn't have any--it's because her focus is on OM and her A instead of on her M, her H, and her kids like it is supposed to be. I understand that she doesn't care about me or our M, but to treat our kids like that is unacceptable.

Guilt is something she needs to feel and at times I think that she has, but I want to see that guilt in her eyes as I let her know that I know about the A. It may be self-serving or selfish of me to want that, but she has destroyed this family because she couldn't keep it in her pants and I want her to feel that guilt just as much as I feel the loss of my family and my W.

[luvhurts49]

I guess I sometimes just wish that my W felt a little bit of what I feel everyday. That I have to feel this pain, this depression, this sadness, and fear of losing something that means the world to me. That this is something more than just our M and our supposed love for each other--that it is also about our kids. Just like love, this pain should also be shared and it would be nice to actually see the discomfort, the uncertainty in her expression to know that she still feels inside and that she still cares.

[Accuray]

Luv,

Let me save you the suspense -- you will NOT see that guilt. She won't show it to you. She will show you contempt and anger instead. She will tell you it's your fault, she will tell you that you pushed her to it.

She will resent you for trying to get the remorse, and that will drive her farther away. You THINK that confronting will take a load off your shoulders, but you are actually signing up for a bigger and heavier load.

You feel you are owed the guilt and remorse. You will come to the confrontation with those needs and expectations. When you don't get them, you will feel even worse! Now you'll feel that she hurt you, she knows it, and she doesn't care at all. That will make you feel less than hopeless. You are trying to feel better about yourself by seeing her feel badly. She won't give you that satisfaction. You need to feel better about yourself *regardless* of what she says, does, or doesn't say or do. You need to remove her from the equation of how you feel about yourself.

Your W knows what she has done, she feels guilty. It's hard for her to live with her actions because SHE KNOWS ITS WRONG. Take comfort in that, you can rest easy knowing that you've been faithful, she cannot.

If you MUST confront her, just tell her you know without blaming her or expecting an apology. Tell her what she did is human, that it happens, and that although it has hurt you, you hope she finds happiness. Then politely end the conversation. That would probably be a 180 for you, and will make it hard for her to be angrier at you. She must believe that you are sincere.

I am watching you drive off a cliff here, you're about to stomp on the gas pedal. Please hit the brakes!

Accuray