W is angrier after my 180's - time + consistency

[2thepoint]

Everyone, thanks for your kind words of encouragement. It helps me to keep my head on straight and my focus directed on the right things.

Busto:

I'm curious how she denied it? "Just friends" "total denial" of OM's existence? What were her expressed feelings/emotions? Anger? Fear/Anixety? Nonchalance?

She said that they were just friends and that he was having a difficult time in his life and she was trying to help. I told her that when she first started to communicate with him on a regular basis that it bothered me and at that time we actually discussed it, (she had offered to stop). But, I told her that although I was bothered by it, I didn't stop her because I felt like she needed that friendship/connection because it was lacking elsewhere in her life. I also told her that now I regret it deeply because it developed into much more than a casual friendship.

The question might also reflect guilt about the A that is worsened by pursuit from the H (so they want the H to stop pursuing them so they don't feel pressured or guilty).

I think that is a correct analysis. Lots of grief and guilt.

Yes, you will need to forgive and regain trust in each other, BUT be careful TELLING her what she NEEDS to do (controlling, reflects your feelings/wants, not hers).

Or telling her you forgive her before she asks you to forgive her or shows signs of guilt, remorse or approach towards you. I didn't get from what you wrote that she said she was sorry for the A (or intended to stop it). Did you? If she's not in a place of remorse towards you (i.e., still angry at, hurt or resenting you), then you telling her that you forgive her comes across bad -- as disconnected from her feelings/hurt/etc or just in denial of her "reality" ('I've got a new guy that I'm swooning over'). It also may come across as your not valuing yourself ("W, you can step on my face and trample me all you want, I will forgive you each time you put your heel to my head.")

Since she didn't admit the A, she was not going to demonstrate any remorse. That will come in time I suppose. I understand your point about forgiveness needing to be requested. However, I had two specific objectives in sharing that with her.

First, in order for me to move on, I cannot harbor any resentment or anger. I can't control what she does and it does me no good emotionally to hold on to that anger. I can't grow if I can't forgive. So I choose to forgive.

Second, in order for my W to reach a point of remorse and to be able to look back and see that there is a path home, I had to assure her that the path was visible, smooth and paved.

Again, so important what she told you. Before moving, did she voice her opinion (even once, softly) and and the decision was made to move anyway? And then after moving she kept voicing her pleasure directly and indirectly. To no avail. If we don't listen to them, they experience being steamrolled by us, over and over and over. And they learn not to trust us or share with us. Certainly not directly, maybe indirectly, passive-aggressively, or aggressively, eventually not at all. Because we will just steamroll them again.

Yes, before we moved she said she did not want to move. But I wore her down and she relented. It was a big promotion for me and I knew it would set my career on an upward trajectory. So yes, she felt steamrolled and this has been my pattern throughout our M. It is a huge area of focus for me. And one that I must conquer.

And, her unhappiness since we moved then has continued to this day and it has caused me to be unhappy as well and on a subconscious level to be very regretful (viscous cycle).

So, this is a significant part of whree I must grow. I need to listen and accept. Choose my battles much more carefully. Let my W guide me more instead of me running roughshod over her and her desires. Big area of focus!!!

BUT it is missing the point to devalue your W's feelings and hurts and call them chipmunks. Those accumulated into a chimpunk from hell that broke the doorframe of your R so that your W FELT justified in allowing a gorilla to enter the room. To rebuild the house, both the elephant and the gorilla in the room will need to vacate the premises.

Her conscience choice, yes. But, you admit that you made some (less conscience) mistakes in the relationship. Negligence and ignorance of the law are still punishable. Two sides of the fence to be fixed.

I understand. I told the C that she didn't unload all her "chipmunks" out of the blue or in reaction to the discussion about the A. It came about after I told her of my regret about not accompanying her when her dad had had his heart attack. This opened the door for her to share other past hurts that I hadn't realized or had forgotten.

So, I get what the C was saying but I also realize that I'm no innocent party here. And frankly, I'm glad my W shared some of those things with me. It gave me a view into the depth of her anger and resentment and allows me to better understand where my behaviors are destructive to the fabric of our relationship.

Now I need to figure out how to adjust my thinking and modify my selfish behavior so that I am a better, more trustworthy and respectful man. That is my focus going forward.