Well it does not look like he is going to be leaving tonight. Came home with the kids and still not really talking to me. He did let me know he was going to the store to buy beer. I guess he will be drinking tonight. Going to try and stay away tonight so that we do not get sucked into a fight. I still have no idea where his head is as far as staying home or wanting to leave. I am pulling back and letting him come to me if he wants to talk.
He just told me he is done. He is not happy and has not been for a long time now. He has no plan as when he is leaving. I did not ask if it was a divorce or seperation.
He just told me he is done. He is not happy and has not been for a long time now. He has no plan as when he is leaving. I did not ask if it was a divorce or seperation.
Do NOT ASK...
he does not know what he wants and even if he did, he can change his mind. But the more you ask the more you make him answer...
if he says he wants "Out" then you are only cementing and solidifying his choice. Don't corner him into that.
Don't issue an ultimatum b/c you are uncomfortable with uncertainty. With uncertaintly there is hope.
Do not initiate ANY R talk right now. Finish reading the DB and Div Remedy books asap.
Back off all relationship talk for now. I'll post more in a few...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I have been married for almost 10 years. My husband cheated on me 7 months ago and it was a 6 month relationship. What did HE SAY the reasons for the affair were? Were any of those reasons at all valid? I have move pasted that,
how did you accomplish that?
we are trying to hold it together and it is not going well.
do you mean that merely staying together is "trying to hold it together"?
I mean are you getting therapy or doing something different?
If not, then it's just doing more of the same behaviors but expecting a different result. They call that the definition of insanity
He still thinks the grass is greener on the other side and I THINK, not sure he now want to seperate. What have YOU done to show him that the grass is greener at home?
I want to continue to work on saving our marriage. We are in therapy, but he feels like he just gets beat up there. What does "work on saving" the m mean to YOU?
Okay...so does that mean you want him to see the past the same way? Or does it mean that the t rehashes the past or what? Why does he feel beat up?
Or is it b/c his behavior is destructive to the m and he doesn't want that pointed out?
Between work, our 2 boys ages 7 and 5, and our rocky marriage he feels like he just can not continue working on things. He feels like things are getting worse not better. is he correct? Why do you think HE feels that way?
I fell like this is a process that we have to work through, meaning the rehashing or what? See, I've had some nice well meaning t's but on occasion they DO make it worse.
DBing is about doing what works/helps NOW TODAY, and NOT doing what hurts the m...
a simple but radically different approach called "solution based therapy" is what DBing is about. Not endless rounds of "what happened and why?" The past matters and so do childhood problems BUT they are NOT what this site and approach are about...
but his foot is out the door. I do not know what to do to stop it.
You cannot stop it. You can only be the better choice. Become a woman only a fool would leave. Be upbeat, with a PMA. Basically you have to show him through YOUR BEHAVIOR that
marriage to you, from this day forward, can be better and different than before.
We are having A TALK tonight. I am not sure what is going to happen. I need some support and advice. I want to save us so bad!
Decide nothing but listen to him. Hear what he says and understand that he can change his mind. Not much is truly irrevocable.
Here are some other tips for newcomers that you can use to get you through the next few weeks.
ALSO PLEASE try having a DB coaching session/ NOT sure what you are paying your t, but DBing is actually cheaper than our t was around here since ours was not covered by insurance anyhow...
and the DB coach was the single best thing I did to save our m...and trust me, I did a lot. I had a good mc, and had seen a t, and DB'd and prayed and went to Mass and the whole 9 yards...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I left the house for a bit so i would not engage him. I kept my cool and just said i was going out for a bit.
What do i do?
We are going to theapy on tuesday so we can decide hiw to tell the kids. How do i act tomorrow?
Wow, I feel like I just wrote a long post to you but you didn't read it or...something... GET THE BOOKS AND READ THEM...and if you already did, then read them again...seriously... Be calm, do not fuel his negatives. Do 180s and that means do the opposite of what he's complained of...Detach...DETACH.....
do not make your happiness or purpose in life center around his present day temporary choices...
that's not attractive so it won't help your cause, AND it's not healthy...
here are some "rules to help you" know what I mean...good luck and CALM DOWN please...take a breath. NOTHING MUST be decided now or this week or this month...
These are "Rules" for newcomers assembled/organized by Sandi, consisting of principles based on MWD's Div Busting approach. I recommend you copy and paste & print it out. Carry it in your pocket if you have to. I know I did.
FOR WHEN YOU GET "THE BOMB"….
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I was able to make it through the night. When I got home he was asleep on the coach which shocked me. Even when we fight he alway takes the bed and I end up somehwere else.
My goal this week is to live my the "rules" Since he does not have a place to live yet he will be here.
Trying to stay busy today. H was very short with me this morning and of course did not really speak to me. I stayed pleasent as possible. We are not talking at all. We are going to counceling tomorrow. He said so that we can talk about what to say to the kids. I am thinking I will know more tomorrow as to if he wants to seperate or divorce.
We are heading to our counceling appointment this morning. I am nervous about what is going to be said. I will know today if we are seperating or the divorcing. Dan has been very cold and not speaking to me. He is also still living in the house with us, going out and not telling me. I have not been asking where he is at all. I also told him not to expect me to be around to watch the kids all the time and to check with me when he has plans. It is very hard living under the same roof with someone who does not seem to care about you. I have been following the 37 rules, but staying positive is really helping me and forcing me to get out and make plans.
