I figured I'd start a new topic as my R has greatly evolved and I was close to 100 posts on the last thread. As always, I'll give the links later.
We're going to MC tonight (moved it from last night seeing as it was Halloween). We took D trick or treating. H basicaly carried her around for people to ooh and ahh over her. She was the cutest stinkin' peacock I've personally ever seen.
While I think I'm getting better in my R, I still personally have several issues. I feel like I'm recovering from a mild case of PTSD. I was thinking last night about when the ideal timing of child number 2 would be, and I just about gave myself a panic attack. Thank God for my training in relaxation techniques or I would have melted down in bed right next to H. I clearly am still not ready.
He's wanting to spend time with me all the time. We're making future plans (BIG future plans). We're talking more openly about finances and whatnot. I'm still having a hard time with the day to day annoyances. My fuse for him is still shorter than it is for most (and I really have a pretty long fuse most of the time).
I'm very thankful that I start my own IC on Saturday. I hope I like her. It's the same practice as MC, just a different T.
D cried out for H for the first time this weekend when he left her sight. He was really excited about that. I'm glad he was excited about that. I'm glad they're finally bonding. Although he has made comments that clearly indicate that he is jealous that her bond with me is visibly stronger. I guess that's something else to bring up in MC. I dislike being blamed for his lack of connection with his D because he chose to be absent. Yes, I chose to move out, but given that he was threatening me with divorce and I wanted to care for D and keep my sanity, I still feel it was the best and really only option.
Overall, I dislike being "blamed" and his attempts to make me feel guilty for my REactions. No, I would not have moved out had he not told me he was going to divorce me. No, I would not have told any of our friends or family had he not dropped that bomb... oh, yes, when I was in one of the most fragile states a woman can be in. Some days I feel like he accepts the responsibility, and sometimes it's still clearly lacking.
But overall, I am pleased with where we are. He is much more loving, much more patient, much more supportive. He still needs to grow up some (I think he is threatened in an unconscious aspect that my primary concern is not him anymore. I've said that since he first wigged out about this whole pregnancy thing). Just like I would journal about what I knew would be indicators that things were getting better, I need to write down what things will tell me that I am ready to move home.
Giving myself panic attacks in the middle of the night is not on the list though.
I'll discuss it in IC.
H and I have plans to spend most of the weekend together. We're going to drop off D with my folks and head out to a private event his company is hosting at an amusement park. I think we're also supposed to meet up with his parents and sister sometime this weekend.
We're doing a better job communicating on the whole. I think he wants to set up a joint bank account (yeah, who saw that coming?). We've started using this awesome app called Astrid that you can put down tasks to complete and assign them to people. That way he can tell me to pick up milk and it will set off a reminder on my phone based on my location. Pretty cool.
I have to keep focused. Work has been nuts this year (I unfortunatley fill a more case manager type of roll instead of a therapist roll). Things are flying by. I cannot believe that Thanksgiving is in a few weeks.
Oh, and D is rocking on all fours now. I suspect she'll be crawling by next week at the rate she's progressing. Then I'll really be on the run.
YOu know, don't sweat the whole "perfect timing" for a second kid thing. People worry far too much about the "right" spacing of kids. IMHO, having three myself, the birth order or spacing means less than their innate personalities and how they line up those personalities with each other.
You're young, you have many fertile years ahead of you, no need to feel pressured. Take all the time you need to be SURE H is trustworthy before you take that step again.
Personally, I think you should seriously table all thoughts of a second child for a couple years until your M is very stable. If you think things are bad now with one kid, it will be multiplied by having another. And what if (God forbid) something happens to your second child, like their born with something? You need to know without a shadow of a doubt that your partner is going to be there for you and not bail.
It's happened to more than a few people on this board. Heck one guy left his W while she was dying of cancer. This was after she thought they had successfully R. He couldn't handle the pressure and just left.
You need AT LEAST a couple years for things to settle down and you can trust each other again.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I would have to agree with Bond regarding the 2nd child. I know it is important to you, and I'm not trying to minimize that, but the state of your marriage needs to be stronger.
I know your not stupid, and I am sure you have thought about all of this.
I'm happy to hear that things are improving for you two. I think it's a good thing that you are taking your time to move back home. I don't think you'll ever regret waiting, but you might regret moving too soon.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
So he's wearing his ring again as of yesterday. He's also FINALLY called a contractor to come out and start taking care of the various things wrong with the house. He also has been more active in the housework. He's really, really trying.
I went to my first IC appointment on Saturday. I did not want to be around him for a good hour afterwards, but I had to because we had things to do. I think I may just plan on going to work out immediately after IC on Saturday mornings to clear my head. He even asked after I was done if I was going to be able to be around him for the rest of the day. I said I would be fine.
But it was hard.
SIL got engaged this weekend. She immediately called H and asked if D could be a flower girl.
Um, she's not even 6 months old.....
I think I would rather shoot myself in the face than be involved in any aspect of her wedding. She's such a drama queen. She's already one of the most selfish people I've ever met, so make her a bride to be and she is sure to be hell on wheels.
H has been reticent to really reconnect with her, but for the first time this weekend when SIL extended an invitation to hang out, H actually said ok (I'd given him hell over the fact that he reconnected with his family, but really had no intent to see them ever). So H and I load up D, go to the designated restaurant we're supposed to meet her at, and while we're sitting there waiting for her to arrive, she cancels via text.
Not surprising.
This just made me furious. Why did H do this crap? Why did he bring them back into our lives? He doesn't like them, he doesn't really wish to be around them, he doesn't really care to have D know them. And I for sure do not want them around D. I think they have very few admirable qualities.
Luckily they have not asked what we are doing for Thanksgiving. I want no part of them.
He told me that he thought about telling SIL that if she wants to make any future plans to make them through me.
No thanks. I'd rather not.
H's family made planning our wedding hell. I honestly do not remember the months leading up to my wedding. When I took my certification test to be a T, the areas I did poorest on were from classes I took during that time period. I literally remember nothing. Planning our wedding was a tedious, painful process. The actual day was wonderful, but the time leading up to it was exhaustive and traumatic. The thought of seeing his family literally gave me panic attacks and I would throw up.
So by the end of the night last night, I was mad at H for ruining my pregnancy, mad at his family for ruining the fun of planning our wedding, and mad at SIL because I just hate her so much.
I was literally a bawling mess.
I feel like I gave my emotions an inch and they took a mile.
What an amazing story. I am so happy for you, your D & your H. I love the idea of a private renewal of vows.
Go easy on him regarding his family. They will always be a part of your lives. YOU can decide how they are part of your lives. Either is pleasant or its not.
Once you except that your SIL will rarely show up to a planned event its easier to not expect her to be there. Just roll with it. Why not? You got your beautiful D and now your H, who cares if SIL shows up.
Good Luck. You are a inspiration
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
So.... we have to find a new one. Which blows for a variety of reasons: 1. We liked her. A lot. 2. We had a consistent spot that worked really well with both of our schedules. 3. We will have to recapitulate everything we've already gone over. 4. We may have to wait a while before we get another weekly spot. 5. We really don't have time to waste because we have a lot of major changes coming up.
So, technically I still live in the apt, but I'm never there. To the point where I may go ahead and ask to break the lease so I'm only there until the end of the year (which would have been about 10 week there total). Here are my issues:
1. Despite the fact that I am usually at ease with H, I'm still having nightmares at least one a week. 2. He still has not told me he loves me (even though argueably he has with actions versus words....). 3. When we do get into an argument, I lose my cool VERY quickly and it's exhausting (although, to his credit, he is MUCH quicker to apologize). 4. He is about to take a HUGE promotion, which will most likely take him on more business trips, to more places, where he will manage more people and be conversing regularly with big wigs and it will most likely take a LOT of his time. A huge, prestigious and career changing opportunity, but it could not have come at a worse time for us in our R. 5. If I move home, sister will probably have to come with. She will not be able to afford the rent by herself and has not been able to find anyone willing to live with her. While I don't mind her living with us, I don't know how she will handle living with H.
Which brings me to another set of issues. While my family is a very patient, very understanding family, and they haven't explicitly said anything bothers them about my reconcilation with H, I just get the feeling that there is still a lot of trepidation. Sister has said some not so nice things about H. Meanwhile my parents haven't said much of anything; they just seem distant which is odd for them.
I knew this would be a problem. This is why I didn't tell anyone for so long. And I haven't a clue what to do about it.
And now I am without a MC to discuss this crap with. GD.
Clearing the air with your family is a good idea, but I'd strongly recommend against inviting your family into your M.
"Family -- I sense your concern. I need to ask you to back off and be happy for us. I understand that there are risks to reconciling, the possible benefits are worth it to me. I'm a big girl and I'll be OK. We are doing great. Thanks for being there for me over the summer. Now it is time for H and I to heal our R in our own space. In a very loving way, I need you to trust us, support us, and MYOB."
Back the H*LL off of being critical of his family. It is NOT good for your M or your DD or your H to go through life with his R with his family being in tatters. It sounds like you hardly ever see them. Change your attitude NOW, really, really, really.
Put your R with H first in your M. You, H, and DD all deserve that.
Doesnt seem like a good idea to have your sis. move in. Can you just help her with the rent so she can live in the apt alone? Its a financial burden I know but might help keep your M intact during this difficult time. Also if your H is getting a raise...
Give your parents time. If your H continues to make you happy & treat you well then your parents will forgive him one day. Let your parents go as slow as they need to.
So glad you guys are doing well.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
"Doesnt seem like a good idea to have your sis. move in. "
x1000!!!!
Don't do it. Period. Find someone to sublet your room from you. Until you do, keep paying your rent.
Your first responsibility is to your H and DD. Without question, bringing your sister into you home undermines your new R with H. Without question, she should not be moving into your home.
