New here; husband left

[Coyote]

Yes indeed, baby steps.

One thing at a time. Resist the urge to fix too many things at once. Too confusing. (I'm a fixer so I'm quite familiar with this one...)

"She said that right now H is in this supper defensive position and actively looks for reasons to valadte the reasons why he left me."

Your friend has some good insight here. Sounds like a keeper to me.

Yes, almost always the Walk Aways will need to validate their reasons for leaving. Usually guilt and/or anger drives this. When these accusations flare up again (notice how I didn't say 'if') validate their feelings. Don't argue or reason with H when he's like this. That'll just make it worse. Save the repair work for when H let's you know he's ready and wouldn't mind talking about it.

Mostly listen, keep your responses something like, "Yes, I'm sorry you feel that way..." or "I understand why you would be upset about this..." or even "I understand why you would be upset about this, I hope we can work through this." Never accuse or point a finger when H is like this. Again, if H starts taking unfair potshots at you say something like, "Stop that, there's no need for that." Get the focus back on the discussion.

"That my "complaining" and "pointing out" things that he should just know (like the diaper bag) push him away. That he needs to be "built up" by me."

Sounds like Your H is very sensitive to words. Both in a good way and a bad way. Be careful in the future if you absolutely have to 'correct' hubby for something. Be diplomatic. Be understanding. Be mindful of the impact your words have on H. Never, "why do you always do that?!" or "I told you a million times...!" but maybe "I would feel a lot better if we could chuck the diaper bag in here once we're done with Junior. The used diapers creeps me out! Thanks honey, you're the best!"

Also, remember to keep the ratio of verbal corrections much less than the positive ones. Something like at least 4 positives to one 'correction.'

Have you read Dr. Chapman's book on the 5 Love Languages? If not, this will 'really' help to clear the air on this. (Naturally, don't make a show of reading this book or any of these types of books to H for now.)

It seems you have an 'in' here, so to speak. You know he's sensitive to words. Take stock of this and find how you can be supportive more when you talk to him. May not pan out right way with everything but indeed keep track of what works.

I know my post is long again but there's one other thing here. Never, ever asume your H can read your mind. Too many make this mistake. Never say, "H should know what I'm thinking and why I'm pissed off!" Guess what, he doesn't. And never will unless you spell it out. Just make sure to pick the right time and the right way to say it. If you make a 'boo boo' don't be afraid to say, "I'm sorry."