One thing at a time. Resist the urge to fix too many things at once. Too confusing. (I'm a fixer so I'm quite familiar with this one...)
"She said that right now H is in this supper defensive position and actively looks for reasons to valadte the reasons why he left me."
Your friend has some good insight here. Sounds like a keeper to me.
Yes, almost always the Walk Aways will need to validate their reasons for leaving. Usually guilt and/or anger drives this. When these accusations flare up again (notice how I didn't say 'if') validate their feelings. Don't argue or reason with H when he's like this. That'll just make it worse. Save the repair work for when H let's you know he's ready and wouldn't mind talking about it.
Mostly listen, keep your responses something like, "Yes, I'm sorry you feel that way..." or "I understand why you would be upset about this..." or even "I understand why you would be upset about this, I hope we can work through this." Never accuse or point a finger when H is like this. Again, if H starts taking unfair potshots at you say something like, "Stop that, there's no need for that." Get the focus back on the discussion.
"That my "complaining" and "pointing out" things that he should just know (like the diaper bag) push him away. That he needs to be "built up" by me."
Sounds like Your H is very sensitive to words. Both in a good way and a bad way. Be careful in the future if you absolutely have to 'correct' hubby for something. Be diplomatic. Be understanding. Be mindful of the impact your words have on H. Never, "why do you always do that?!" or "I told you a million times...!" but maybe "I would feel a lot better if we could chuck the diaper bag in here once we're done with Junior. The used diapers creeps me out! Thanks honey, you're the best!"
Also, remember to keep the ratio of verbal corrections much less than the positive ones. Something like at least 4 positives to one 'correction.'
Have you read Dr. Chapman's book on the 5 Love Languages? If not, this will 'really' help to clear the air on this. (Naturally, don't make a show of reading this book or any of these types of books to H for now.)
It seems you have an 'in' here, so to speak. You know he's sensitive to words. Take stock of this and find how you can be supportive more when you talk to him. May not pan out right way with everything but indeed keep track of what works.
I know my post is long again but there's one other thing here. Never, ever asume your H can read your mind. Too many make this mistake. Never say, "H should know what I'm thinking and why I'm pissed off!" Guess what, he doesn't. And never will unless you spell it out. Just make sure to pick the right time and the right way to say it. If you make a 'boo boo' don't be afraid to say, "I'm sorry."
I haven't posted much in the last seven years. I've been a lurker. Just lookin' to put back all the good help I've gotten...
One thing at a time. Resist the urge to fix too many things at once. Too confusing. (I'm a fixer so I'm quite familiar with this one...)
"She said that right now H is in this supper defensive position and actively looks for reasons to valadte the reasons why he left me."
Your friend has some good insight here. Sounds like a keeper to me....
....Mostly listen, keep your responses something like, "Yes, I'm sorry you feel that way..." or "I understand why you would be upset about this..." or even "I understand why you would be upset about this, I hope we can work through this." Never accuse or point a finger when H is like this. Again, if H starts taking unfair potshots at you say something like, "Stop that, there's no need for that." Get the focus back on the discussion.
"That my "complaining" and "pointing out" things that he should just know (like the diaper bag) push him away. That he needs to be "built up" by me."
Sounds like Your H is very sensitive to words. Both in a good way and a bad way. Be careful in the future if you absolutely have to 'correct' hubby for something. Be diplomatic. Be understanding. Be mindful of the impact your words have on H. Never, "why do you always do that?!" or "I told you a million times...!" but maybe "I would feel a lot better if we could chuck the diaper bag in here once we're done with Junior. The used diapers creeps me out! Thanks honey, you're the best!"
Also, remember to keep the ratio of verbal corrections much less than the positive ones. Something like at least 4 positives to one 'correction.'
Have you read Dr. Chapman's book on the 5 Love Languages? If not, this will 'really' help to clear the air on this. (Naturally, don't make a show of reading this book or any of these types of books to H for now.)
It seems you have an 'in' here, so to speak. You know he's sensitive to words. Take stock of this and find how you can be supportive more when you talk to him. May not pan out right way with everything but indeed keep track of what works.
I know my post is long again but there's one other thing here. Never, ever asume your H can read your mind. Too many make this mistake. Never say, "H should know what I'm thinking and why I'm pissed off!" Guess what, he doesn't. And never will unless you spell it out. Just make sure to pick the right time and the right way to say it. If you make a 'boo boo' don't be afraid to say, "I'm sorry."
Yes, almost always the Walk Aways will need to validate their reasons for leaving. Usually guilt and/or anger drives this. When these accusations flare up again (notice how I didn't say 'if') validate their feelings. Don't argue or reason with H when he's like this. That'll just make it worse. Save the repair work for when H let's you know he's ready and wouldn't mind talking about it.
Let's talk about the WAW. This is the person that needs to be LISTENED to. This is not a person who is needing to validate their reasons for leaving. They have them. And they are usually strong reasons.
The Walkaway spouse is done. Because they have tried. You may not think they have tried 'correctly'...but they have 'tried' in what they think is the best way they know how.
If you want to repair your marriage with the classic walkaway...you must make amends, reattract, get your second chance at a first impression--but you have to be smart about it. The key is REAL GIVING. Really listen. Find out everything you can about what makes this person happy. Really figure out what THEIR definition of love is, and learn to love them in a way that rings true to them.
The catch--the more your learn about really loving someone else, if you use books like 5LL: is that you expect to receive your own needs being met in your love language. I see it all over the board. Sometimes that works, and sometimes it just takes so much longer. Learn to really give first. And then learn to really be patient in teaching your spouse to love you. It is so worth it!
Hey guys! Just wanted to say thanks for all the support. Coy,Acc, very crzy,& Hop. You have all been a big help. It really helps me get through this knowing that one of you will be there to comment and give feedback. Okay, having said that here’s an update. After feeling like the apology had a positive result I’ve been making a concerted effort to “build” my H up. He is REALLY sensitive to words, more so than I realized when we were together. I am not that way. I really let stuff roll off my shoulders. H harbors it inside. I have said some hurtful things and I think I hurt him…. No, I know I hurt him. Well anyway he calls Fri. and says he wants 2 c the baby sun. We talk and decide he will come sun and see hi while I’m in church. I say that’s fine but I make plans to go out for breakfast after church every week now and would he like me to come back and pick up the baby or leave him with him for the morning. He says come back to get him. I’m disappointed; hoping he would spend more time with him other than an hour. However, I keep upbeat and say no prob. I follow up with text a little later saying I was really happy he was coming over to see S and that he is a good dad. (Trying to build him up; let him know that I don’t think he’s a dead beat/ whatever. His mom has been giving him a hard time about not helping) He responds w/ thanks. (Positive communication # 2) Sunday comes and I make sure I look really pretty. I have a new dress and heels that are really flattering that he has never seen before. He comes about 30-45 min early. Feeds baby breakfast. We exchange niceties when I return I mess around with the baby a little and he’s cracking up. We all start laughing and everyone seems happy. As he is leaving I thank him for coming over and “watching” the baby while I was at church. He looks happy w/ himself and stands up tall as he walks out the door and says yep. Then we say see ya later to each other. It is only after I leave that I notice that he has taken something. I have a jewelry box that has an attached picture frame on it. There was a pic in it of us at the lake together from a while ago. He took it out of the frame and took it. I don’t know what he did with it but its gone. I looked in the trash but couldn’t find it anywhere. Not sure what that means. Weird though. What do you guys think? (Positive comm. # 3) Later that day he texts me saying Try and get his sisters things together that she loaned us for the baby so he can get them back to her. (He called first b4 texting, which is kinda different, but I didn’t answer) I sent him a message back saying No prob. I will take care of it. I felt that it was an improvement that he said try instead of do or something like that bc he can be a huge bully sometimes. /about an hour later hid dad calls me from a blocked number and I answer it not realizing it was him. (he is very nasty and is bipolar. He self medicates with booze and pills) He traps me on the phone for a while b4 I end the call. Before I would have called H to tell him about it but didn’t this time. H calls hours later and asks if his Dad called me. I said yes. He wanted to know what he wanted and I said nothing really. He pressed the issue and I said it was just the same old thing that he was being nasty. H said that his dad called his work and he was pissed at him. He also said for me to answer his calls, which I told him about the blocked number but I would be sure to screen more carefully. Then he said that he didn’t tell his dad to do that and to disregard anything he might have said bc it want true or something like that and he didn’t want him stirring anything up. It felt like he was sort of being protective of my feelings. And that we were on the same side sort of. I said ok. and got off the phone. After I thought about it and spoke to my gf, she told me that mybe that was h’s way of reaching out a bit and encouraged me to send a follow up text to “build him”So I sent him, Hey I know you r not the kind of guy 2 call and have your dad say stuff. Don’t sweat it. It was no bid deal and im just ignoring it like u said. It was really decent of u 2 call though thanks for that. I will get your sis stuff ready for you on tues. H replied Sure, I told you b4 we need to get along for the next 18 cause our s, so no need not to start now.. That is the first time since everything that he said we could get along. When I asked him a while ago why he was leaving he said it was bc we couldn’t ever get along. So I guess that’s moving in the right direction. I sent him back lol agreed. Have a nice night at work and he said ok. Any thoughts? Advice? Where do I go from here? Acc I’m going to do a phone convo soon. sorry this is soo long
I dont want to come on to strong or fake but being nice and stuff seems to be working. dbmob i think you r on to something. I think this could be whats going on w/ my h. Its confusing to me though. What might the nxt steps be? How do you make ammends w/o talking R?
Does anyone think this is strange at 25 and 27 years old w/ a 4 yer old marriage and 1 yr old child? Still cant get over that. We r young, our m is young, and s is young. all so green
You are both young and your marriage is young--you're right, everything is so green. So what I say about a WAS applies, but to a point. REAL GIVING is important, but so is taking care of yourself and your baby.
So what does this mean for you? Listen to the things he's saying and find ways (without many words--because that will be nagging to him) to remind him of the best parts of himself. How do you do that? Try to do things together that recall the best of times. Be creative.
But--maintain yourself. Do things that nourish who YOU are and make YOU feel attractive. Take care of yourself--body, soul, mind, spirit...and your child. The more you laugh and make yourself happy, the more attractive you will be and he will be more interested in the things that you coach and encourage (paragraph above).
Coyote gave you good advice about words--find other ways as well.
Right now we r not at a point where we spend any time together or alone. We see each other in passing so doing things together is kind of hopeless right now. Maybe in the future. Also, he dosnt bring up our past right now eirther. Never brings up our marriage. Im still hoping though. D is set to be final in 30 days. it wilall happen in about 60 days from im not happy to final d signing.
Hi TMC, my H is exactly the same way. He also holds his feelings inside, letting them fester. He said he felt "beat down" by the way I would correct him, and make him feel like less than a man, by the words I used. I, too began to build him up again. I quit disagreeing with him, even if inside I did disagree. There was just no point in it. He told me that when he was a kid he always felt weak. Now, this guy is 6 ft 3, but he felt like that. That really made me feel bad, because I contributed to that, too. Now, I ask him what he thinks before I put my two cents in.
The sad thing was that I am a Christian, and I got into those bad habits of treating him badly before I became one, and didn't realize how bad it was.
Does your H work 11 to 7? If so, ugh, those are hard hours. But, sometimes quite a bit of time when nothing is going on. When my H works those hours, I will tell him if he wants to, to call me, even at 2 am. I think you are doing fine, that friend who is giving you advice is a smart lady. Keep building him up. I think he is a lot like my h, and that is something that really works. He has to know that he is important. Cops see a lot of really awful stuff; my H tells me some of what happens, and I can't imagine having to deal with that every day. And I let him tell me, because I would rather he unburden to me than to someone else.
Good job TMC, seems like you are on to something. I also recommend reading "The 5 Love Languages", huge help. My primary love language is also words, and my wife's is quality time.
Historically I would "send" love using words, but it really had no impact on W. It really is very critical to figure out how our partners need to be loved, and send it on the right channel, otherwise it just doesn't get through the way we think it should.
dbmod also made an excellent point I want to underscore:
"The catch--the more your learn about really loving someone else, if you use books like 5LL: is that you expect to receive your own needs being met in your love language. I see it all over the board. Sometimes that works, and sometimes it just takes so much longer. Learn to really give first. And then learn to really be patient in teaching your spouse to love you. It is so worth it!"
Once you feel you've got it figured out and you're making H very happy, you'll expect to receive back in kind. If this doesn't happen, know that it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. The key is to be OK with yourself, and you seem to do pretty well on that scale already. You really are very strong with the way you've handled things, and I'm sure that's a bit intimidating to H as well since he wants to be the protector.
Keep doing what you're doing, your friend is on to something. If you look back over your posts from a few weeks ago, I'm sure you'll see progress -- celebrate that!
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
