as he's shown so many times in the past, his morals just aren't there
It could be so much more than morals, it could be deeply ingrained in him since you mention his relatives, his friends behave similarly.
Completely and totally agree with you here. However, this information was given to me directly from him - and he knows that it is wrong but he doesn't know how to change. One of the great things that he said about therapy is that he hoped to learn how to be a better man. He cited the fact that his own father wasn't around. Again, this is just him talking for now, but we both know what is at stake this time.
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1. Being monogamous and rededicating ourselves to working at maintaining our relationship. Yes, I believe this is realistic because we don't have a problem with the frequency or intensity of our 'sessions.' He chooses to go out and find women that fulfill his emotional needs. That much I've been able to gather.
I'm confused. What do you mean about the frequency or intensity of your sessions? Above you mention that just because he's not with anyone else doesn't mean you want to be intimate again. All talk is just that--all talk.
I probably should clarify. When we were intimate, there wasn't anything lacking. This is something that we both agree upon.
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2. Continue to focus on myself and only talk about R stuff at counseling sessions. He prompted more than one R talk last night, and I did most of the listening. I'm going to continue with this.
And so what are you looking to achieve by this? In DB terms, it is a 'to do' item, not a relationship goal. I think you are on the right track, it's a good idea, but what is the end result?
This is where I get confused. I'm still stuck on exactly what to do. All I know is that what I tried in the past only works to a certain degree. Taking better care of myself, the household and making time for each other yielded positive results for awhile. Maybe I didn't give these things enough time, however, I'm done 'sharing.'
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3. We will both be establishing our emotional needs and we will work at them. I will continue to GAL, stabilize my finances and not respond rashly. He will be transparent and work on forgiving himself.
So how will that look to those around you when you achieve this? What is the first sign your best friend will notice? What will you both be doing differently?
I believe that those around me would sense a change in attitude. More confidence, more outgoing and generally more pleasant to be around. I haven't always been a happy person, even before this relationship. I've gone through bouts of depression for more than 15 years.
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5. I think that I will know that things have turned around for certain when we are both feeling better about ourselves. We like to spend time together when we are happy.
So what does feeling better about yourselves look like? Again, how would your best friend know you are feeling better about yourself? How would a coworker know? What will you and your H be DOING differently?
When you are happy and spending time together, what are you both DOING? (hint, hint: don't wait, START THERE)
I think that I would just be a happier person. Probably telling more jokes, more open to going out to lunch, more inclined to talk about my future plans instead of my current problems. I would definitely be doing art and have a better social life.
I see what you're saying now. For all of the effort that I'm putting into making changes to appease him, I should be doing just as much - if not more - for myself. Its not going to be easy due to our location and transportation situation, but I know that I can make something happen. Thanks for that.
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5. It will always take an effort to make these changes permanent, but there will come a point when it just comes naturally. That's what I'm hoping for. Stability, a set routine and transparency.
Part of this may be unrealistic: it may not come 'naturally'--and that is really ok. Working at it doesn't mean it has to feel like work--actually working at it can become FUN! Stability can mean many things, but what it should never mean is boring. complacent, and taking each other for granted. Routine can be comforting, but has to be open to change (did this lead him to stray to begin with--does he do well with routine--if not, expecting it may be unreasonable--work together to define what can be on routine and what won't work for him.
Transparency--you probably do need this. How will you know you are getting it?
I hope this is helpful for you.
I like your initial gameplan, you seem to have a good heart and head.
This is something that I think therapy is going to help with. Setting clear boundaries and knowing how to react if and when they are violated is a good start. His phone, email and FB passwords are a good start. I don't know how to broach the subject, and honestly I don't think that I'm even going to bring it up. This is something that I believe should be offered if he is genuine about his intentions. I won't press the subject, but I will know how to respond if he tries to skate around the subject.
