I was DB'ing but just discovered an affair

[ncl]

Hey, NTX. I for one am not surprised she was "feeling good" about you two. As I mentioned on the other thread, I know it's hard for you to see how things are moving forward, as you are caught up in the middle of it. But all in all, I think things are moving in the right direction for you two (even if it is very, very slowly).

As for her being angry...look, you apologized and explained why you did what you did (not to hurt her but basically because she didn't know it would upset her), so quit bringing it up. If she keeps bringing it up, tell her you have already apologized and explained it to her and drop the subject. In my opinion, she is going through the ups and downs, highs and lows, pull in and push away of the WAW and was just looking for a reason to get p!ssed off at you. From what you've described in the past, I think it's best to just give her the time and space she needs for a few days, and she will get over it.
Have things moved forward legally with the divorce? If not, that is great. Keep taking things day by day. You are on the right track; I hope she decides to jump on board before it's too late.

Take care, and keep your chin up...lc4

[MrBond]

"I got something positive out of the W."
"I have apologized over and over but she seems really angry"
"And here is where I was shocked: She said she had been feeling good about "us" the past couple of weeks, until I went and did this."

Total script. Let me tell you something about this. She's doing this to control you. It happens in the majority of sitches here. It's not a positive move. She is still blaming you for how bad she feels and what she's missing out on.

Well you know what? Tough. She chooses to do this, these are the consequences. You don't walk on water, you make mistakes just like she does.

DO NOT keep apologizing. Apologize once in a validating way and that's it. Don't make promises like "I'll never do it again" because chances are you will. It's only human. Just remember, she also has made mistakes. The only difference is that you're not beating her over the head with it.

IMHO, if you start re-asserting yourself as the man in the relationship and not let her hold your nuts in her pocket, she'll start respecting you more. She's not your boss. She's not your mom. And she's definitely no better than you are. Stop putting her on a pedestal and you'll get a better result.

[NTX_Dad]

Hello all -

Sorry for the long absence, we are kicking off two major projects here at work that's been keeping me busy... and to be honest there hasn't been any Earth shaking news on the sitch.

The stbx and I had a date about two weeks ago and it went pretty good. We had a lot of laughs, and we did talk serious for only about 5-10 minutes. I asked her if she was happy and she said no. I then told her I am not happy myself, but I am content and that I am grateful that I've learned a lot about myself and appreciate that I am fixing somethings about myself. I then told her that I am secure enough now that I know I will be fine no matter what our outcome is, but that I still preferred keeping the family together. She said "you never know what can happen".

Oddly, after that pleasant evening, contact was at a minimum for the following week. It was only logical texts about the D8.

The following Saturday she dropped off our daughter and I could tell she didn't want to stay. We chatted for a minute and I asked if everything was ok and she said she wondered at times if we should detach from each other so that we don't confuse our daughter, and then she left rather quickly. About an hour later we started a text conversation and she pretty much told me she was very stressed and that she was also mad that I am fixing and doing all of the things that she begged me to do all these years. I told her I thought she would be happy for me and she said she was, but that she was also hurt and disappointed.

So... that got me wondering... maybe the DB techniques are working some.

There was then minimal contact again for a few days until an evening last week when she asked me to come visit our D8 because she was struggling and stressing about the divorce. D8 has been amazing and showing no signs of worry or stress until that day last week. I stopped over, we talked and assured her it wasn't her fault and that mom and dad were trying to work on our problems. I ended up staying for nearly four hours and had dinner and helped with homework. We had a very nice evening.

But then again, after I left, there was minimal contact.

I think what's hurting me lately is the lack of contact on the day to day stuff. We used to communicate throughout the day to talk about how our day was going, how we felt, traded funnies, and things like that. But it has come to a complete stop now.

This past weekend was difficult for me because it was the first weekend in 5 weeks that I was alone. I didn't hear from her all weekend, until fairly late last night. The stbx said they were on they way home from a girl friend's house that's about 50 miles away and that they were stuck in traffic and wanted to know if they could just crash at the house since her apartment is another 20-30 minutes away. I was anxious to see D8, and I also wondered if it was an excuse to see me because she had something she wanted to say or talk about.

After they arrived, we quickly got D8 to bed and sat on the couch and talked for about 20-30 minutes about her job, week, and weekend. It was very pleasant. For good or bad though, I did listen, but I am sure I was giving off a "I don't care" vibe. I didn't face her and stare at her while listening, but I did engage in the conversation. She faced me and had her feet very close to me and would occasionally brush me with her toes, and she even mentioned 2-3 times that her legs were killing her. That's usually my cue to tickle and rub her, but I didn't do it.

She finally declared that she was sleepy and went up to a guest bedroom to sleep.

I was really looking forward to having a cup of coffee with her this morning, but she got up before the alarm went off and came in to tell me that she was going to her place to get ready for work because she didn't have any makeup at the house.

I felt like the pleasant, but a little detached mood that I displayed would be good for DB'ing, but now I wonder if it back fired.

She met us at the daycare for the drop off and we walked out together and chatted for a second. When I looked her in the eyes, I felt a spark and I feel like it was there for her too. But after a few seconds we clumsily said good bye and she reached out for a friendly hug.

I guess I will continue to remain dark and see what happens.

[NTX_Dad]

Oh, an interesting side bar:

I have a friend at work that went through the same thing 5-6 years ago. His wife was a WAW and everything I tell him about my sitch he said is the script his wife followed. The did divorce and were apart for about 1-2 years and then they started dating again and eventually remarried. They probably have one of the best marriages I have seen.

Anyway, he said him and his W were talking about my sitch this weekend and they both think based on what's happened lately that my wife realizes she has made a mistake and is too proud to come crawling back, and that she injects herself into my life from time to time in hopes that something will happen were the entire sitch will come up and I actually ASK her to move back home.

I have to admit, I haven't actually asked her directly to move back, or to reconcile. I think she knows that's what I want. It seems like that conversation would be totally anti-DB so I don't think I should say that at all.

[jbnati]

NTX,
Glad you checked in today. I like the modification of your screen name, BTW. It's more positive!

I think your W is questioning your changes and she's unsure of whether to believe them at this point. Just keep them going and be consistent. She will likely need more time to be able to trust the changes.

I wouldn't worry about not discussing the day to day stuff right now. The space will probably benefit both of you right now.

I'd suggest holding off on starting any conversation about moving back, reconciling, etc. at this point. There's a good chance it would backfire. It may be seen as pressure to speed things up, and there's a risk it would push her away.

[2thepoint]

Anyway, he said him and his W were talking about my sitch this weekend and they both think based on what's happened lately that my wife realizes she has made a mistake and is too proud to come crawling back,.....

Hey there, just thought I'd add some perspective if you don't mind.

Your statement about your W being "too proud to come crawling back" struck me as something worthy of further exploration. It would appear to me that if that is indeed what your W would feel if she decided to come back, then there is still some work to do on your part.

Whatever issues you two have had and need to address cannot get in the way of your W coming home. She has to feel like there is a welcome mat waiting for her and that can only be achieved with your continued focus on improving you.

Once she is comfortable and confident in your changes, it makes the road home for her so much easier. Instead of crawling, she'll be walking. And isn't that a much better picture to have?

Wishing you the best!

[~ kd ~]

Your statement about your W being "too proud to come crawling back" struck me as something worthy of further exploration. It would appear to me that if that is indeed what your W would feel if she decided to come back, then there is still some work to do on your part.

Never loose sight of this.

Often, and at any time during the process, the LBS gets angry (which is OK and normal) and looks at R from a punitive position to punish the WAS if they were to return (which is NOT OK)...

[ncl]

Hey, my Texas friend. Thanks for checking in. You know I worry about you if you go too long without posting.

Don't you just love the push, pull, push, pull, push, pull from the WAS? Got whip lash yet? I think you are doing a great job at staying detached best you can. And AWESOME job on working toward your goals...see, she IS noticing the positive changes in you FOR YOU! I know It's tough during those times when you don't hear from her, but my guess is that she's thinking things over. It's best you keep doing what you've been doing and give her the time and space she needs during those times.

I think DB'ing is about finding what works for YOUR situation. There is no one-size-fits-all remedy. So, while I may get smacked for asking you this, are you SURE your wife knows you are open to reconciling? I know you have both expressed that you are not happy with status quo, but in my opinion, sometimes you need to do a little temp check with the spouse when things are going well. Now I'm not suggesting you launch into a full-on R talk, but rather find a subtle way to let her know that while the door isn't wide open, it is unlocked. Think about ways that you can do that without scaring her off. If she gets spooked, she'll back off again (and so can you), but I think she'll be back around. She's still invested on some level with you and is (in my opinion) questioning what she's doing.

My best advice? Keep up the positive changes she is seeing in you; find a way to let her know that ultimately you would like to reconcile (without throwing it in her face) and keep up the good work on detaching and working toward your goals.

I personally think your situation is far from over, NTX.

love & hugs...lc4

PS...if you haven't seen Crazy, Stupid Love yet, get it on PPV.