Volume III

[gunny]

Amazing!!

[workinghardguy]

There's an old saying in sports that the next coach is usually the opposite of the current one. So if you have a hard-nosed driving coach, the next one is a laid back player's coach. I think the same concept applies here b/c it's human nature... To go towrds something different. Don't take it personally...

[greenblue90]

Schnarch
Said it best when he said that you a attract someone as undifferentiated as you.

If your partner is more broken than you, you'll leave. If you are the broken one they'll leave and vice versa.

It takes a rather special broken person to mirror your soon to be ex's dysfunction.

Now compare yourself to who you were when this whole relationship started. Afterall you accepted her dysfunction, so what does that say about who you were then. Are you a better person now?

She hasn't changed, and is probably worse. Have you worked through your own issues?

If you have then good, I'm pretty sure that if you find love again things will go much better. For one I'm sure you won't put up with BS. That is a good thing. Hopefully you have grown enough to attract and keep a good woman.

I hope this isn't coming across as harsh, I'm actually trying to encourage you. Our relationships say a lot about who we are.

[westcoastfella]

I hate the fact that he is such an upgrade...

Yes, this is a disturbingly common pattern. It's rare that I have ever seen a WAS truly upgrade. There's exceptions of course, e.g. walking away from an abusive relationship. I wonder what it says about your W's self-esteem? It's really sad when I think about it.

I feel this, too. I know enough about the OM in my sitch to constantly think to myself every day, "Just what exactly does she see in him?" It's hard to know exactly why this is such a pervasive pattern; I sometimes wonder about it. My guess is that "downgrades" are easier to ensnare and mold into the great A fantasy than "upgrades."

Keep on keeping on, Tele. You will find the love that you deserve one day.

[Telemark]

If your partner is more broken than you, you'll leave. If you are the broken one they'll leave and vice versa.

I don't agree with this. I think the partner who leaves - unless there is abuse - is the one who is "more broken". They have the inability to deal with the relationship, and would rather run away than face the hard work needed to address the problems. That is not healthy in anyone's book.

[Ajay]

I once spoke to a psychiatrist about this very subject, when a girlfriend decided that an armed robber was a more suitable partner and role model to her son. Also my sister who is upmarket and well educated has a fancy for the dog ends of society.

His reasoning is that there is nothing to live up to, no standards to keep and nothing to aspire to, which they may find has been tiring. So with these "dog ends" they can just slob about and are under no pressure to be better than they are inclined to be at that moment. In the case of the armed criminal, it seems that some women crave excitement. They would never do anything like that themselve, but live out their "Bonnie and Clyde" fantasies through their partner. I believe that these two split up after creating another child in about twelve months. Not heard of her since.

[Telemark]

That makes sense. The OM is a tattooed Army vet who supposedly was once a bounty hunter. Has the guns, the Harley, loves any sports team from NY (as does my W) and is probably fueling her MLC-I-don't-want-to-get-old desires.

And that is all somewhat ironic. I like motorcycles - even bought one earlier this year- and I've owned guns since I was 9. I sold them when I married W because I did not want them in the house with her autistic son there. I enjoy a good football or baseball game, but I'm not a rabid fan. I can remodel a house top to bottom, wire and plumb it and then furnish it to the nine's. I started to teach myself how to cook (my specialty is chicken whatisthisstuff...ask DG...) And I never missed the opportunity to tell her how talented, smart, funny and beautiful I thought she was.

I recently read a quote somewhere that some of the greatest failures occur when people are so close to success.

I have accepted the impending divorce and the fact that she is gone from my life. I have accepted my part in the problems we had. I have been working on my demons and my "nice guy" traits and slaying them one by one. I am starting to feel comfortable in my own skin.

It's a shame that my W chose dishonesty and infidelity over hard work and self-inspection. She will never know the person I am becoming.

[NYCPeter]

Telemark - what do you mean by your "nice guy" traits?

I've always felt like I've done the right thing and suffered because of it. Are we to behave like the "bad guys" to have a better life?

[Telemark]

No, Peter, it's not that extreme, but I understand your question.

"Nice guys" are not the same as "good guys". "Nice guys" are pleasers for selfish reasons; they do for others so that others will do for them. They are passive-aggressive. They avoid confrontation until they blow up, and then it's ugly. They appear soft and sensitive to others - especially women - but they usually have some pretty nasty baggage.

I read [edited by dbmod: reference not recommended nor allowed]about two months ago, and it was a 2x6 right in the head. It was like I was reading my life story. The book explores the "nice guy" syndrome (and how "nice guys" become "nice guys"), dissects it and then outlines steps to becoming a "good guy"; someone who gives freely, talks honestly, loves passionately, lives life to the fullest and enriches the lives of his family and friends. I think it is required reading for any man.

There is an associated website and a forum with a variety of topics. But be warned: the posters there are pretty hardcore when it comes to marriage and relationship issues. "Tell her you are not going to put up with any crap, and if she continues, kick her to the curb" seems to be a common response to WAW's.

I'm not pushing this on anyone. It did help me gain some insight into why I behaved the way I did in our marriage, and how to prevent those behaviors from appearing again. Your mileage may vary.

[workinghardguy]

Let me whole-heartedly endorse [edited by dbmod: reference not recommended and not allowed] !