It's time to let go part II

[25yearsmlc]

Rick, there are some little 2 x 4's here that I hope are just teaching points. They are not meant to hurt but to remind you of things YOU said or forgot or you did.

And when you SEEM to forget them, I remind you so you stay on track, but it's not to nag, okay?

Yes 25 I have lots of fears. I fear growing old alone, not seen my D any time I want, and finances. I guess we all have those same fears.

I thought you had regrets about losing contact with your children from a prior marriage or relationship...and that you regretted how you took out your guilt on your w, w/anger, even though SHE did not stop you from contacting them, but your guilt and fears did

...b/c of course, you COULD have contacted them if you really wanted to. But maybe you thought they'd reject you?

So you sort of beat them to the punch...

hmmm, not unlike what happened when you continued to challenge your w to "go ahead and divorce if you want to!!", instead of problem solving or resolving conflict...

By you nagging her to do it, when you two had fights, you only gave her2 options,

which were to 1) buckle under and cave in to your demands, always, OR

2) to leave you, which you threw in her face as the only option she had til she finally took you up on it.


Rick, in the future, ANYONE you have a relationship with will need to know YOU know how you CAN solve a problem together.

Not "decide for them" or force them to do the work and risk being wrong, so you can later say "I told you so" (which you admitted doing before)

but together working things out.

What have you learned to change about this in the past year?

B/C remember what has to happen [color:#6666CC]

to reconcile for real here, Rick...

SHE has to believe AND THIS HAS TO BE TRUE...

that marriage to you from this day forward, could be better/different than before.

Otherwise, if you both were so miserable, then why bother trying again

if no problem solving together skills have been learned?

So what has changed in that way?

RE: your sons/kids from the prior R, how do you now feel about them and your r's with them?

And your ex, their mother who raised them...how do you see her now? [/color]


I have been practicing in my brain the idea of living alone and what that would look like. Today was a good day for me not too depressed. I know my W will be even lonelier once our D is in college and W is all alone. I at least I am close to my brother, my W barely sees her family. I don't think she will change that. I feel sorry for her.

Next post let's make it ALL about you and NOT AT ALL about HER...stop the contest...

her happiness or misery is NO index for YOURS....if she wins the lottery, will you be upset?

If her car breaks down, will you be happier? Of course not....b/c we live our lives and they live theirs

and our happiness is OUR JOB and ours only....the best "revenge" if that's what you want to call it,

is you living your life WELL...


I know that I am making myself depressed as to how I view the future,

Why not change that?

Do you like being depressed? I'm serious.

After all, it is what you do and what you know AND it is a big reason you are alone. At some level, maybe you think you deserve NOT to be happy

so you

"think yourself into depression", you repeat mistakes that you know or ought to know, will distance you from those with whom you want intimacy...

you create what it is in your life Rick. I believe this with all my heart. Oh sure, some people have heart attacks or get cancer out of the blue.

But other than those people, who USUALLY manage to stay upbeat b/c they are happy to be alive, the rest of us create what is in our lives.

How we respond to adversity is up to us. How we manage our lives, where we spend our time, with whom, etc....all up to us.

Does that frighten or empower you?


I don't kmow what the future holds. It might be great or not.

none of us know!

As the late great comedian, Gilda Radner said when facing cancer, "we all face ambiguity. Will my biopsy be negative tomorrow, or will I have to face another round of chemo? Can I endure another round of chemo? "

And then she said "we ALL face that in some way everyday. Take this job or that one, or will I get sick or hit by a car?" And finally she said, "Learn to embrace the ambiguity in life" b/c what choice do we really have?


But today I did a good job on me. Slept alot more than I have and GALed most of the day. So not too bad of a day. Tomorrow I have divorce care group and hope it helps. I am getting used to W's cold shoulder. The test will be in the future when she needs me. I hope that I can be nice to her and help when she asks.

of course you CAN be. Why wouldn't you be able to?

You think showing her your anger is going to help YOU?

It won't help YOU. It'll just help HER think she was right to leave you.

Rick, for the life of me, I sure wish you could see that being kind to her AFTER the divorce is a great idea b/c it shows that the changes you made were real.

You didn't make them just to get her back, but if YOU don't even know if you made them for real, well then, that says a lot.

I mean, if you cannot be kind to her, after how you treated her and she finally snapped, then maybe you are not ready to be with anyone yet.

Remember those rules you post to others that you got here?

The last one says don't lose the hard earned changes and backslide.

Remember what you have learned here about your past mistakes, how they still haunt you. Don't repeat them and give yourself MORE things to feel depressed about.

Face them and repair those r's to the best of your ability and we will see what we see...(=better Rs!)