A few weeks ago W had arranged for repairman to look at our furnace. They needed to come back a 2nd time. W said that they kept cancelling the 2nd appoinment. They have not returned. I have not asked W about what is going on. That is a huge 180 for me. No interrogating. would it be a bigger 180 and more productive if you just handled it yourself and let her know you were taking something off her plate?
I just go to the basement every other day and see if they did anything. However, the leak stopped so nothing to worry about.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Today I'm feeling depressed and dispar. Rick, this is a common theme for you. As you know, it's not super appealing to witness. Have you done anything to address your depression? Have you talked to an MD and gotten a prescription? What about group therapy?
You seem like someone who would get A LOT out of that b/c part of your problem is you are very lonely. Groups help. Is there a divorce support group near you? Look them up. See if the church has one.
Was thinking that my outburst with W in June and July was the perfect exit time for her. so what if it was? enough already. You lost your temper. Have you learned to manage it better now? I assume so, but IF not, then put that at the top of your priority list. Remember that "Mistakes are Not 'tragedies' but dear God let us learn from them!" Move on....
See, I noticed that after she bought the horse about 2 years ago she became distant. At that time I bought her a new SUV. Been in that car 3 xs. We have not done any activities as a family in 2 years. So I guess she checked out along time ago. then what are you losing exactly? I mean it is tragic if the marriage ends but it sounds like you needed a new one anyhow. Preferably with HER...
I also now know how resentful I was at how she had been spending her time. Too bad I was not aware of my feelings when I got angry at her. so your anger/resentment surfaced for no "apparent" reason when in fact you were not in touch with your real feelings...that is sad Rick. But learn from this! And do what they call "cognitive behavioral therapy" where you learn how to adjust your emotions and YES control them...
you CAN be happy. It is not a mere happenstance. That's why Aristotle said "happiness is a virtue". It takes effort. But it is in our control more than we care to admit b/c it takes work.
At the time I got angry I didn't care what she would do. I did not want to live like that anymore. The only difference now is that we don't sleep in the same bed, no Ml and no touching other than that everything else is the same. so what will be different once divorced? No matter how much I DB she won't change her mind. Guess I got what I wanted. So why do I feel like crapp?
Rick, you still seem controlled by whatever mood lands on you. That's tough to be around.
I seriously doubt you wanted her to leave but perhaps at some level, that is what you thought you deserved??
You also read into everything and seem paralyzed by fears to the point where a question about the furnace or a conversation being initiated by you, is a big deal.
I would not read into her answering you so much as she's just being normal and not rude. If you get a chance, Why not keep the conversation going a few more minutes or ask questions that don't have a "yes/no" answer, such as "what made you decide to vote for x,?"
that way she doesn't just say a one sentence answer and you have something to build on...
Aren't there still issues from the past that haunt you, that have little to do with what is going on NOW? [b] If so, identify exactly what it is that makes you feel so down. And talk to someone for real, Rick.[/b]
How's the c going?
I'll keep you in my prayers Rick.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Yes 25 I have lots of fears. I fear growing old alone, not seen my D any time I want, and finances. I guess we all have those same fears. I have been practicing in my brain the idea of living alone and what that would look like. Today was a good day for me not too depressed. I know my W will be even lonelier once our D is in college and W is all alone. I at least I am close to my brother, my W barely sees her family. I don't think she will change that. I feel sorry for her. I know that I am making myself depressed as to how I view the future, I don't kmow what the future holds. It might be great or not. But today I did a good job on me. Slept alot more than I have and GALed most of the day. So not too bad of a day. Tomorrow I have divorce care group and hope it helps. I am getting used to W's cold shoulder. The test will be in the future when she needs me. I hope that I can be nice to her and help when she asks.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
W and I had dinner last night. I caught her starring at me and she looked very sad. I asked her if she was ok, she kind of said yes. This morning she was up and made breakfast before I came downstairs. She actually ate with me. She has not done this in weeks. In 9 days we will be in court and very likely be D. Very sad.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I need advice. In 9 days we will be in court and I'm feeling desperate to stop it. Should I send her an email saying that I'm very sorry that we are here?
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Rick, you have got to get this through your head - there is nothing you can do. Anything you do or say will drive your W even further away. You keep trying to control her and this situation. You cannot. You have to accept the fact that to her, your marriage is over. She does not love you. She will not change her mind unless she wants to.
It is excruciatingly painful to realize and accept the fact your marriage is over; we have all done that or are doing that. Move forward. You can't go back to what you had.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Rick, I agree with Telemark, emphatically NO NO NO!! She knows how you feel, everyone on here is telling you to stop pursuit or anything that can be construed by w as pursuit. The only person who can stop your s from continuing forward is your s, and she is showing no signs of doing so. You must put your faith in the fact that things will work out as they will, you cannot do anything more to change it.
Again, the D is just another step, if it comes to that. Listen to these experienced people on here, they know what they are talking about.
Believe me rick, every day I feel like I want to call my sp, but, then I know that she needs this time away, she needs the space, what must happen will happen. I can only go on living my life.
Put the question to your group tonight, see what they think. Hope you enjoy the meeting. I did some hiking with some of the people from one of my groups this past saturday, it really helped. Hang in there buddy, we are pulling for you!! Gunny
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
I need advice. In 9 days we will be in court and I'm feeling desperate to stop it. Should I send her an email saying that I'm very sorry that we are here?
Mentally prepare yourself for either outcome. She is facing the same reality of being D. Show her you have accepted her decision and you're OK with it.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Rick, there are some little 2 x 4's here that I hope are just teaching points. They are not meant to hurt but to remind you of things YOU said or forgot or you did.
And when you SEEM to forget them, I remind you so you stay on track, but it's not to nag, okay?
Originally Posted By: Rick1963
Yes 25 I have lots of fears. I fear growing old alone, not seen my D any time I want, and finances. I guess we all have those same fears. I thought you had regrets about losing contact with your children from a prior marriage or relationship...and that you regretted how you took out your guilt on your w, w/anger, even though SHE did not stop you from contacting them, but your guilt and fears did
...b/c of course, you COULD have contacted them if you really wanted to. But maybe you thought they'd reject you?
So you sort of beat them to the punch...
hmmm, not unlike what happened when you continued to challenge your w to "go ahead and divorce if you want to!!", instead of problem solving or resolving conflict...
By you nagging her to do it, when you two had fights, you only gave her2 options,
which were to 1) buckle under and cave in to your demands, always, OR
2) to leave you, which you threw in her face as the only option she had til she finally took you up on it.
Rick, in the future, ANYONE you have a relationship with will need to know YOU know how you CAN solve a problem together.
Not "decide for them" or force them to do the work and risk being wrong, so you can later say "I told you so" (which you admitted doing before)
but together working things out.
What have you learned to change about this in the past year?
B/C remember what has to happen [color:#6666CC]
to reconcile for real here, Rick...
SHE has to believe AND THIS HAS TO BE TRUE...
that marriage to you from this day forward, could be better/different than before.
Otherwise, if you both were so miserable, then why bother trying again if no problem solving together skills have been learned?
So what has changed in that way?
RE: your sons/kids from the prior R, how do you now feel about them and your r's with them?
And your ex, their mother who raised them...how do you see her now? [/color]
I have been practicing in my brain the idea of living alone and what that would look like. Today was a good day for me not too depressed. I know my W will be even lonelier once our D is in college and W is all alone. I at least I am close to my brother, my W barely sees her family. I don't think she will change that. I feel sorry for her. Next post let's make it ALL about you and NOT AT ALL about HER...stop the contest...
her happiness or misery is NO index for YOURS....if she wins the lottery, will you be upset?
If her car breaks down, will you be happier? Of course not....b/c we live our lives and they live theirs
and our happiness is OUR JOB and ours only....the best "revenge" if that's what you want to call it,
is you living your life WELL...
I know that I am making myself depressed as to how I view the future, Why not change that?
Do you like being depressed? I'm serious.
After all, it is what you do and what you know AND it is a big reason you are alone. At some level, maybe you think you deserve NOT to be happy
so you
"think yourself into depression", you repeat mistakes that you know or ought to know, will distance you from those with whom you want intimacy...
you create what it is in your life Rick. I believe this with all my heart. Oh sure, some people have heart attacks or get cancer out of the blue.
But other than those people, who USUALLY manage to stay upbeat b/c they are happy to be alive, the rest of us create what is in our lives.
How we respond to adversity is up to us. How we manage our lives, where we spend our time, with whom, etc....all up to us.
Does that frighten or empower you?
I don't kmow what the future holds. It might be great or not. none of us know!
As the late great comedian, Gilda Radner said when facing cancer, "we all face ambiguity. Will my biopsy be negative tomorrow, or will I have to face another round of chemo? Can I endure another round of chemo? "
And then she said "we ALL face that in some way everyday. Take this job or that one, or will I get sick or hit by a car?" And finally she said, "Learn to embrace the ambiguity in life" b/c what choice do we really have?
But today I did a good job on me. Slept alot more than I have and GALed most of the day. So not too bad of a day. Tomorrow I have divorce care group and hope it helps. I am getting used to W's cold shoulder. The test will be in the future when she needs me. I hope that I can be nice to her and help when she asks.
of course you CAN be. Why wouldn't you be able to?
You think showing her your anger is going to help YOU?
It won't help YOU. It'll just help HER think she was right to leave you.
Rick, for the life of me, I sure wish you could see that being kind to her AFTER the divorce is a great idea b/c it shows that the changes you made were real.
You didn't make them just to get her back, but if YOU don't even know if you made them for real, well then, that says a lot.
I mean, if you cannot be kind to her, after how you treated her and she finally snapped, then maybe you are not ready to be with anyone yet.
Remember those rules you post to others that you got here?
The last one says don't lose the hard earned changes and backslide.
Remember what you have learned here about your past mistakes, how they still haunt you. Don't repeat them and give yourself MORE things to feel depressed about.
Face them and repair those r's to the best of your ability and we will see what we see...(=better Rs!)
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Rick, I agree with the others. Don't send her an email out of desperation. It's very unlikely it will help your cause. Also, try to take things one day at a time. The day is not here TODAY.
